...How did she get in that sterile place?! She later wondered...how did she get in that...that room, which looked so clean. Yet...harbored within its off-white colored walls, were the silent and hidden screams of...sinews, underdeveloped bones and tissues...smells...of innocent death. What was she doing there...??!! Afterall, she had a man...a man who was suppose to care for her...who was more than just a familiar lover or an 'once in a while' night time companion...he was her husband.
Her husband. Her better half...the object of her sole affections...the one she adored and worshipped. The man she loved with every ounce of her being! And that's why...that's why...she had questioned. She could not have heard correctly...had she? Had she heard right...had she understood...the words that he spat out at her? Frantically, her mind sought for an 'anchor' to hold on to. There were children that had to be considered...weren't there? There was a daughter - his, another daughter - hers, a son - his and hers, but now he had said...what?!! Had...he...said, he did not 'want' this child? 'Their' child? The child that she was, in fact, then carrying? No! Oh no!...he did not...could not...have said such a thing! Still...she couldn't deny the engraved image of him stomping his feet...his face angry and frowning like he had just heard the most terrible news in the world. My God!...she had screamed silently, wake me up! Please! I must be dreaming!
She recalled how she had endured the empty bed...empty nights. When he did come home...his warmth, his hot hands, his one-of-a-kind 'warm milk' smell, somehow made up for the days of his absence. The fact that the 'other woman'...the beautiful young temptress, had just recently had her second son for him, though hard, could be ignored...again. But...she could never forgive the look of pure contempt ...the adamant tone of rejection that dictated his actions towards her. A rejection of the life she carried said to her...to her soul...what it did not want to hear; I no longer love you or value you, nor do I want anything that comes from you!
She had sought counseling from some so-called 'family' members, but they were no help. They said they 'understood' how she felt and she should follow his desires...but the final decision was hers. So...she found herself in that 'sterile' place...contributing to its history... of death.
And then...things changed. Her feelings for him were no longer the same. His once 'yearned for' love making, within arms that started a flame, which only his waters could quench...now seemed to her, as a rape. A rape...not by a human being, but by some sort of animal...an 'unbearable' act. And, even before she left him and ventured out on her own, her search had begun.
It was maddening....the quest to belong...to feel needed, loved, wanted...it was a wretched life. She foolishly ignored obvious warnings...plodding on, pining to be loved...she had nothing else. Even her children took a back seat to her desire to find love. She went down paths where every new pair of arms offered, what she thought was, love. And for a few fleeting moments, she belonged...she was somebody's... woman.
When they finally separated, she and her ex met from time to time...as so many do, for 'old times sake'. They even decided to try again. But a 'tainted' ointment had been spilt upon their portrait and ruined it...beyond repair. A child came forth from this effort...a little girl...destined not to know the protective presence of a father in her life. Thus...the 'selfish' search continued... and along the way a son was produced from one of her 'brief' affairs. Still...her 'thirst' was not quenched and she continued to seek...futilly.
Then, mercifully...'He'...came. Tenderly and compassionately...He came. Cajoling...with promises of peace, eternal life and His love... forever. It was not easy...she walked with Him on and off, at first. But eventually, she learned to trust Him. She began to change...she no longer wanted to be the 'receptable' of 'overnight stands'. And over a period of time, she stopped hurting. She was forgiven...and she learned to forgive.
No...things would never be 'patched up' between her and her ex ... they divorced. The eros love so necessary for a marriage was gone, but agapy love, as she had for all mankind, was there. She could give him credit for what he was; an extremely good son and she could, sincerely, from her heart, wish him the rich blessings of true love.
And she...? She had at last found the kind of love that had been searched for, so deperately...all those years. It was a love that made up for all of her pain and emptiness. It was...the Love of Jesus. And she found that Jesus' Love was more...much, much more...than a mere, love affair.