Ten years ago, on Christmas Day, I lost my father.  Cancer.  I still miss him even today.  He would have teen seventy two this past October 2nd.

Eight years ago, two days before Christmas, I lost my best friend to AIDS.  Didn't know he was gay until just before he died, but I couldn't figure out why he was losing so much weight.  Now I knew and it truly devastated me.  Still makes me cry whenever I think of the suffering that John must have endured during his illness and keeping the fact that he was gay a secret.

Six years ago, again on Christmas Day, my wife gave birth to our first child.  It was stillborn.  It was a little boy.  Had he lived, he would have been six years old in only six days.  His name was Jacob Emmanuel.  God, how I miss him ... even though I only got to be with him for a few moments, I felt like a father and I had all sorts of plans for him, only to have them dashed to bits when he was born dead.

Four years ago, I lost my job.  I had worked at the GM plant and I lost my job to downsizing and the bad economy.  I am still looking for work.  We also had a second son, only to be told he was born with brain damage.  Our second son's name is Sean Micah.

Three years ago, my wife told me she was leaving me.  She broke the news to me on Christmas Day.  She couldn't deal with Sean's disabilities.  I'm now his caregiver.

I used to love Christmas, but nowadays, it only brings me renewed pain and a sense of hopelessness.  I'm guessing you can now see why.  Christmas should be a time of celebration, miracles, and joy.  For me, it only means heartache and grief.

I am praying that God listens to me this time.  All I want for Christmas is to be happy.  Is that too much to ask for??  I've prayed and prayed; it's as if He's turned a deaf ear to my desperate pleadings.

I try to act like I'm happy around my friends and my boy, but I'm sure they can see the sadness and the tears that spill from my eyes.  If they only knew what I have endured in past Christmases these past ten years, maybe then they would understand why Christmas isn't one of my favorite holidays any longer.  They don't know what I've gone through.

The last time I attempted to go to church around Christmas, all I could do was sit in the pew and bawl my head off.  I was thinking of Jacob, my firstborn son, and how he had been born stillborn.  Instead of celebrating his birth, we were making funeral arrangements not even a day later and were picking out a casket for him.

I was also thinking about my dad, my ex wife, losing my job, Sean being born brain damaged, and losing my best buddy to AIDS and finding out that he was gay.

I don't know why tragedies seem to hit me at Christmas.  I just wish nothing but the world to stop and for me to quit going through so much.

 Other people seem to have it so good at Christmas: why do I have to be so sad?? Does God hate me or something?? Does He hae a personal vandetta against me, or what??  I hate feeling so sad or reminded of what's happened in my life these past ten years!

I think I will sleep through Christmas.  

It doesn't mean much to me anyway.  Yet I know I cannot: I have a child with special needs to take care of.  I have responsibilities to attend to.  So I just have to try to pull myself together and try to make Christmas special for little Sean, but what, I have no clue.  

Just keep me and Sean in your prayers.  We both can use a huge Christmas miracle about now!!