I am asking for honest in put, on the hook, the story line. I know there are mistakes in grammar at this time and form. so please don't tell me about that. Tell me about the story line this is the setup chapter 1. It will be a medical/thriller
In the early twilight of summer two thousand and two while driving west between exits
nine and twelve in Egg Harbor Township, Frances Scot smelled rotten bananas. She let
out a keening yell and drove across the lane and on to the meridian. The car did not
stop there, her foot was still on the gas pedal. The car bounced over the grass and in to
on coming traffic. It was already to late to save Frances she was dead.
A red firebird with two men laughing and not expecting a car coming out of the grass
was hit broad side neither of the men saw the car coming or knew what happened. They
too were killed on impact. The blue car behind them had a family of four on their way to
Atlantic City. The father saw Frances's car exit the grass only moments before the
he heard the sound of shattered glass, along with his wife's screams.
John swerved seconds before he would have become tangled in the accident. His
hands so tight on the steering wheel he lost feelings in them. Driving up onto disable car
lane, His car bouncing over onto the grass. His wife's neck whiplashes as she turned to
look at the two children sleeping in the back seat just as John Slammed on brakes. Her
head hit the seats headrest and snapped back forward.
John sat blinking in a void of silence for a moment sweat poring into his eyes. Then life
seemed to start again he could hear his children crying in the back seat calling to their
mother, "mommie, mommie" and his wife groaning next to him. The next sound he was
aware of was the sound of other cars putting on brakes.
The gas tank on Frances car was ruptured as it jumped over the meridian. Spilling gas
over the asphalt. Her car sat smoking then burst into flames. People who had stopped
on the expressway saw the smoke and ran towards the car. " We have to get them out"
one man shouted as he ran towards the smoke. Another man pulled his arm saying, "
there is nothing we can do for them, those cars could blow at any moment' Just as he
finished his statement there came a loud explosion. Frances car raised up off it's
suspension and flames shot out the windows. Someone in the crowd shouted, "get
down",but by that time everyone close to the cars had lay on the ground. The flames
leaped onto the Firebird. Consuming the interior in moments.
Sirens could be heard as they came from direction Mays Landing. There was another
loud explosion as the gas tank in the Firebird ignited. There was nothing that could
be done for any of the occupants of either car. The smell of burning gas and leather and
the sickly sweet smell of burning flesh was more then some could stand.
The fire tucks arrived not fifteen min. after France's car crossed over into on coming
traffic. The intense heat radiating outward. The only thing the fire department could do
was spray the car down with foam.The fire marshal could not understand why the cars
burned so fast. The police could do no more at the time then asked that no one leave
the scene until they could get their names and write down what they saw.
The expressway was closed down in both directions as the police and the fire marshal
walked the route of the accident. Detective Ross, kneeled down at the curb where
France's car first jumped the meridian. He looked up at fire marshal Sonnar, "this is
where the car bottom out" he said "there were silver slivers on the edge and deep tire
treads in the grass." "She had to be flying to cause the car to bottom like that and dig
into the grass." "I wonder what the hell could have caused that, suicide maybe?"
Sonnar leaned down to inspect the curb also. " I can think of a lot easier way to
commit suicide and I don't think many women would have chosen this method."
"No something else happened to her" Sonnar replied.
the two of them followed the tire tracks to the other side of the meridians. They could
see where the car again bottomed out as it jumped the curb and enter the on coming
lane. The smoldering two cars were still sitting as burned out hulls.
Ross walked around and around the cars then he got down on his knees to look under
them. "Damn, what the hell is that under there in the shadows" Sonnar got down on his
knees to see what Ross what looking at. "Oh God, were the next words out of his
mouth." "That's and O2 tank, no wonder the cars when up like a bomb and burned so
fast with the oxygen to feed the fire and explode." "Well at least now we can go with
maybe a medical cause".
The tow truck with a flat bed pulled up just about this time. The driver jumped down
and walked over to the cars. His face started to look a little green the closer he got to
the cars, Ross seeing this said to him, " you can wait in the truck the coroner will only
be a few minutes more." The driver did not hesitate for a moment, he seemed to almost
run back to the truck.
The body bags were loaded into two ambulances, no sirens were turned on, no extra
lights. The tow truck driver was given the OK to remove the cars. Ross supervised this.
He did not want the oxygen tank disturbed. he asked the driver to jack up France's car
so that it would not drag. The crime photographer kept taking pictures the whole time.
Even as the sound of scraping metal against metal set the photographer's teeth on edge.
When the cars were loaded and the receipt written out for the cars and handed to
Ross turned his full attention to what was left of the accident scene. Officers open the
other side of expressway to traffic and one lane on this side.
Later that day in the morgue Ross giving the information to the staff on France's, he
was able to obtain this only from her license plate. Every thing else in the car had been
destroyed. "She has no next of kin". He said, "he lawyer will be in touch with you to tell y
you what to do with her remains". turning to the doctor who was putting the body in the
crypt he said, "is there any way to tell what caused her accident, if it were medical or
"Not a snow balls change in hell, I would think, you best bet would be to contact her
own doctor may he might have some information that could help" shaking his head he
slowly closed the door to the box.
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|Reviewed by Monette Bebow-Reinhard
|I can imagine that the rotten banana smell has something to do with a medical condition that caused her to lose control, but I'm not sure, from this little bit, how this turns into a thriller. I think you need a little more hook to set up how this becomes suspenseful. The accident itself was very well done, but accidents nearly always end where they began until we're given just a little more. I'm not sure the banana smell is enough, intriguing as it is, because the one who smelled it dies right away. Just a thought. Keep it going!
|Reviewed by Tami Ryan
This is a very intense write, straight from the first line. It has a lot of potential, IMHO. I wish you the best.
|Reviewed by Paul Bruce
|Your story has a lot of potential. I can actually see where this could go, in several directions. I hope you pick the right track. I'm not sure if i could,at the moment. Anyway, i wish you all the best with it.|
|Reviewed by Donni De-Ville
|I think that you put this in a little bit too early Cheryl. With a bit of working, and making sure that you have not written yourself into a hole, this could be very interesting indeed. I won't pick on the grammar, but I find with my work, that if I do put the grammar right, by multiple edits, even on a page or two, the story makes more sense to me and it becomes 'visual' in a way that it almost writes itself! This may not work with you, but perhaps if you'll try it, you may be pleasantly surprised!
Cheryl, by the way, thanks for your review on my poem! About my hubby's near demise! I managed to get a cuppa, after eight hours of being in the hospital, by telling the nurse, to make him two cups of tea! Saying that he was very thirsty!! (I drank it secretly!)
|Reviewed by E Detetcheverrie
|Not a bad idea or beginning for this rough draft. Keep it intense, yet be sure to flesh it fully out and if the rest of the story is this good, you may have yourself a winner!|
|Reviewed by Jaclynn Huntington
|You drew me in with the first lines and have my curiosity at a peak. I see that it still needs refinement (which always comes after you've read it yourself a few times) but I think you've got a good mystery in the make here. Huzzah!!
|Reviewed by Jackie Brooks
|I am fascinated, I want to know the rest of this mystery, what is it that smells like rotten bananas, that would cause her to panic and lose control, hurry up with chapter two please. Jackie <> <|