This is now over five years old....I am just now able to deal with sharing it publically...maybe it will help someone else.
Christmas Day 1998, brought an end to the twelve year relationship my Birth Mother and I were able to build, despite how strained it was to be. This letter was written to her three days later. It was sent back to me marked "return to sender." Despite my hopes and prayers, we never reconciled and she passed away on October 23, 2001.
It took over one and one-half years before I was able to forgive her for this final act she left me with. I was, however, to forgive and let go.
I continue to pray for her. It is a prayer of hope that she has now been able to find the peace she was unable to obtain here on earth.
The complete story is shared in my story in the chapter entitled, "Birth Mother."
December 28, 1998
This is a very difficult letter for me to write as tears are still in my eyes for my heart is broken.
I never thought I would hear with my own ears the words you expressed on Christmas Day.
I know our relationship in the twelve years since we reunited has not always been a good one. In honesty, I know at times it has been quite strained.
Despite this strain I believe we both have some very cherished memories as well.
I thought, this being our very first Christmas together, would provide yet another of those cherished memories...instead my heart was broken.
I have known pain in my life, but I don't think I have ever felt the pain I now feel. There I was on Christmas night, in a hotel room alone, crying myself to sleep. The pain has not lessened in the few days that have followed.
Sixteen years ago I began a search for you. It was a long, trying and at times painful search...but it ended in success.
I had another long, trying, painful search in my life. The search for and acceptance of myself.
I began questioning my sexuality at a young age. However, I knew what was going through my head went contrary to everything I had ever been taught. I did not want to be what I thought I was. I fought it every way I possibly could. I went with girls thinking that it would cure me of my thoughts...it did not. I went to counseling in hopes it could steer me straight...it did not. I even went to a priest friend for help...all he did was condemn me to hell.
The thought that I could be gay tormented me throughout my high school years into college. I tried to find solace in a bottle. This only temporally released me of the pain.
The anguish became so torturously painful for me that I thought there was only one way for me to end it...that was to end my own life.
I tried and failed. Failing however gave me the opportunity to meet a wonderful counselor. She made me realize that through all these years of pain and torment I was only denying who I was. I was not choosing to be gay...I was born gay. I should accept and be proud of the person I was. She said many other things in the times we shared together but this was the beginning of the healing I had so long searched.
Yes, Mother, I am gay. No, I did not choose to be gay. Who in their right mind would make such a choice? A choice that could cause a life of possible verbal or physical assault, loss of friends or even loss of family.
I have already suffered three of the four, now I face the possibility of the fourth.
I am who I am Mother. I cannot be anything but who I am.
However, I am still the same person I was just moments before you uttered your hateful words. I am still the son you gave birth to...only now you are aware of one more part of my being.
Being gay, does not make me any less loving son than I have been. It doesn't make me any less the person you were once proud of.
I know this has come as a shock to you. I don't expect you to understand it nor even condone it. I only hope that you can accept it and accept me, not as your gay son but as your son that happens to be gay.
I have accepted you, your good points as well as those I do not agree with...I only ask the same in return.
Many years ago you were faced with a decision. I know how painful that decision was for you. The decision you made was due to the circumstances you found yourself in of which you were not in control. You made the decision to give me away for adoption. It was a decision which you thought was best for me. You would not know what that decision caused me in the years that would follow. However, I have never held that decision against you.
You now face that decision once again. This time you are in total control of the decision you make.
Are you going to give me up as your son a second time? This is your decision and yours alone.
This time you need to do the searching. You need to search within yourself and decide can you or can you cannot accept and live with the fact that your first born son is gay.
I know what you said on Christmas Day. I can only hope and pray that it was not what you truly meant. Do you really wish I would get AIDS and die? Would you really be happier to have a dead son rather than a son that is gay?
We have overcome many obstacles during the past twelve years. It had not been an easy road for either of us at times. We are both stubborn and hard headed at times...but hey, those are traits I inherited from you. This obstacle too can be overcome...but it is your decision!
I can forgive if you can accept. I don't believe that is asking too much from either of us.
We missed so much in the years we were apart. No matter how hard we try we cannot make up for those years. We were, however, given a second chance. A chance to experience things I thought would never be possible. I don't know how many years we may have to continue our second chance...are you willing to throw whatever those years are away?
We have missed so much together already, I would hate for us to miss so much more.
I cannot force you to decide anything. It is your decision to make. Again, I can only hope and pray it will be a decision that will allow us to spend more time together.
I don't know, as I write this, if you will in fact read it to its conclusion. I don't know if you do in fact read it, you will end up crumbling it up and discarding it without giving me a reply.
Whether you reply or not, whether you in fact already consider me dead...I want you to know the following:
I remain glad I took the time and effort to find you. I am glad we were able to be reunited. I am glad we had an opportunity to have some cherished memories. I am glad I have been able to call myself your son.
No matter your decision, I will always be your son. Your decision will only determine if in your heart and mind if I am a son alive or am I dead.
I await your decision.
Your Son you may choose to give up a second time,