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Phyllis Jean Green

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Books
· Carrboro Poetica

· Above and Below

· Spinning Straw: the Jeff Apple Story


Short Stories
· Scrawny Kid Clerked at Thrifty

· Euceless Laughs, Y O U Laugh {Capice?}

· Christmas Fax for da Broads in da Audience

· Flashing

· Owner Will Repair Kitchen Floor {flash humor}

· Courting Able


Articles
· Amnesty International Pressing for More Anti-Rape Legislation

· Bullying has no Place in a Democracy

· Calling Dr. Mengele, Calling Dr. Mengele

· Show and Tell by Karen Vanderlaan - Review

· Valley of the Shadow by Sybil Austin Skakle - Review

· Courage in Patience by Beth Fehlbaum -- a Review

· Heart Attack Symptoms Differ for Men and Women -- Read and Share!

· If you Have Been Kidnapped or Abducted --A Letter from Someone who Cares

· RICO for Kids - Help Missing Children, U.S.A.

· Reason to Celebrate! {re O N E's impact re suffering in Africa}


Poetry
· Listen to Your Muse, Then get up an' do Your Thing

· Poem an Inside Job

· Vicks, Flannel, and Great Expectations?

· Rumor January 19, two Thousand Thirteen

· Snow Night with Bird

· Gunned Down

· Shape Shifter

· Fought Tooth and Nail, I Know You {for Ellie}

· Night-Light

· We are Here to Tell You

         More poetry...
News
· Featured in Creative Thinkers International!

· Second Appearance in Leann Marshall's Sketch Notes

· New Appearance in The Yarn Spinner

· Bullying has no Place in a Democracy Featured at Creative Thinkers Intnl

· Poem to Appear in Sketchbook

· Poems to Appear in Sensations' 21st Century Issue

· In Richard Lee King's The Price of Freedom

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This is Your Lucky Day by Euceless Liesalot
By Phyllis Jean Green
Posted: Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Last edited: Wednesday, January 11, 2006
This short story is rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Recent stories by Phyllis Jean Green
· Scrawny Kid Clerked at Thrifty
· Euceless Laughs, Y O U Laugh {Capice?}
· Christmas Fax for da Broads in da Audience
· Flashing
· Owner Will Repair Kitchen Floor {flash humor}
· Courting Able
           >> View all 7
See intro and a properly formatted version -- more-'r-less -- under Articles & News. Ah'm tard! ;-1



                                           This  is Your Lucky Day
                                                                                   by
                                                                          Euceless Liesalot
                                                                      Prevaricator-in-Chief
                                                                            P  R  Us,  Inc.
                                                                          711 Casino Row                                                                                                                                     Atlantic City, NJ 11711
                                           {Headquarters in Farflung Isle,  Address futk&utfout}
 
 
I am about to make you very happy.
 
No, my name is not Tiffany Roundheels or Taut Flosstrousers.  
 
No, I do not know how to twirl tassels with my tatas or raise a ten-inch-pole in ten seconds.
 
I am not an exotic dancer of either sex.   (Correction, any.}
 
I am not a hit person.  {I could learn to be a hit person if you make it worth my while.}
I am not here to inform you that you have won Big Bucks or inherited Paris {One in France or the one in Playboy.}
I do not know how you can get skinny on a diet of Sara Lee and Ben&Jerry supplemented
          with {for Southerners} red-eye gravy and "bisskits" or {for non-Southerners} salted
          and greased whale blubber.
I am going to make you happy by letting you in on The Secrets of Life.   You will find that it is worth far more than the modest price of $199.90 plus tax, shipping and handling,
          damage replacement insurance, and the $10 we add because we ain't gettin' younger and need bail.  You do not have to download anything.  You only have
to send a  money order or certified check to the address listed at the bottom.   Make sure they are valid.  We would tell you what will happen if they are not, but we would have to kill you.   That would spoil the fun for our henchmen.  Just kidding.   I  know they are henchpeople.I am going to make you happy make that ecstatic by sharing absolutely FREE and without cost or fear of death  some of the finer samples from The Secrets of Life.   Prepare to be amazed.  You will also be astounded,  pleasantly surprised, flabbergasted, discombobulated,and knocked off your pins.
                
You do not need to thank me.  I am only doing what The Great Honcho in the Sky
         wants.   His or Her command is my. . .whatever.  Let's get on with it, shall we?
         I have an appointment to get my nipples bleached, and it is almost time to remind
         the chauffeur to warm up the Rolls.
 
SECRETS  NUMBERS  ONE THROUGH TWELVE OR SO:
 
Those skinny twits with the six-pack abs and overblown pecs that you see on TV are
cloned robots.  The exercise machines are Styro-foam.
 The Cheery Chippers shilling for shopping channels are fed a special potion that
              de-grouches their vocal cords.  Bad witches, every one.
Donald Trump is about to be fired.   
Donald Trump is B-r-o-k-e.
Martha Stewart doesn't know how to boil water.
Martha Steward's hospital corners are crooked as an Enron jailee.
In her defense, Martha Stewart was set up to take a fall because she worked
              for a living.    
Cher has not had plastic surgery.   It wasn't necessary because she was born plastic.
 O. J. Simpson's worst crime was being O.J. Simpson.   He is now a bloated version
               of  O.J. that goes from golf course to golf course and yacht to yacht searching
               for The Real Killer.
Celery is bad for you.
The calories in chocolate have the opposite effect of regular calories.  The more
               chocolate you eat, the more weight you lose.  Especially if sugar content is high.
               Oprah Winfrey was born Calalilly Blondtress Beauregarde.  Heir to a
               pigs'-knuckles fortune, she fell into bad company and was robbing Rodeo
               Drive shops by the time she was thirty.   On the FBI's Most Wanted list,
               she decided the best disguise would be to get herself colorized.    She used
               to have regular collagen injections, but she finally gave up trying to
               keep up with the girls she ran around the magnolia with before she went black.
                
TO   BE   CONTINUED         
 
WE'RE BACK!!   THIS TIME WE HAVE AN OFFER YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
REFUSE.
 
You don't understand.  You *will* accept our *offer.*   Believe me, you do not want my cousin Vinnie and Uncle Malarkey to pay you a visit.  Especially since the fluffer Vinnie's tied to uh, I mean, wife. . .did a Hoffa.  Vanished, disappeared, flew the ol' cooperino.  According to sources my mout'piece assures me I do not have to reveal, Fluffy pranced off with the diamond mine  a n d the brothel.   Witness Protection ain' cheap, y'know.   Vinnie got so pissed, he traded his perfectly good arsenal for a weapon of mass destruction.  [Appears that they are commoner than we think.]  As for The Mick  (note that P. R. Us is Family-owned and -operated, and that we are multi-ethnic and
multi-cultural and multi-national.  Think of other multis, that's us.   Been a lot of intermarrying.  Inter-everything, get my drift.  When you got your own jet you can hop on, not much of anywhere you can't go and anyone you can't do.  Generally stay away from countries with unfriendly
extradition policies, otherwise the Pole's the limit.  
 
Reminds me, the head of Security if a Pole.   Name is Polskcipolsptxysa. . .oh, the hell with it.  Call him Pole.   Gets in a sour mood {loses on the nags, or Boy-toy dumps his ass},  Pole Dearest usually safe.
 
Wanna know more, show us the money.
 
Moolah, bread, Large, call it what you will.   Pay online now.  Just go to www.payordie.PRUs.biz.
Credit cards accepted?   Ya kidding.   Who you think invented'm?    
 
Duh.
 
Stiff us, prepare to become a stiff.
 
We are equal opportunity hirers, so if  Vinnie and Mick or The Pole ain't. . .are not. . .available,
likely to find a Saddam Hussein lookalike in your livingroom.   Pol Pot or someone of that nature.
 
Live longer if you have satellite and one of those big-ass screens goes halfway around the room.
       
Got it??
 
Once would have said "Capice?"    Anti-defamation thugs, don' wanna mess with.
 
[Note to Editor:   Clean up the langwich.  Capice? }
 
TO BE CONTINUED  IF  YOU BECOME A MEMBER.   DUES JUST WENT UP,  SO CHECK
THE SITE.   You will be glad you join.   You will be sorry if you don't.    HAVE A NICE DAY.  Euceless :)

 

Reader Reviews for "This is Your Lucky Day by Euceless Liesalot"


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Reviewed by Debra Conklin 10/10/2009
This is so funny, Phyllis! I love this kind of satire, so outrageous you sometimes wonder if it's true! Thanks for the smile!
Reviewed by Mary Coe 12/20/2007
Enjoyed very much. A good write.
Reviewed by Dale Clark 12/28/2006
Pea this is rich. Too good. It put a
smile on my face and got some laughs too. lol
;) Missed reading you! I've been (well let's
see what's the word for it) clueless, or energy
depleted, anyway long story and such a short time. ;)
Reviewed by Sandra Mushi 7/7/2006
Lol, Pea! How much did Euceless pay you to post his for him? Lol.

God bless,

Sandie.
Reviewed by m j hollingshead 7/5/2006
nicely done
Reviewed by Jill Carpenter 1/25/2006
Dear Euceless,

I don't want to die, so please take my money (supposin' that I ever have any), and let me live. I will be ever so grate-full :o)

Humble Thanks for your gracious generosity in letting me partake of this wonderous bargain. I will remain eternally grate-full :o)
Yours Trewly,
Lucy Lastic


Books by
Phyllis Jean Green



Carrboro Poetica

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Above and Below

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Spinning Straw: the Jeff Apple Story

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