Become a Fan
Introduction to Managing the Madness
By Revel Dawson
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Being molested as a child and coming from an alcoholic home opened the door to pain and abuse. My life was one wrapped around shame, guilt and self-hatered as a result of my behaviors and addictions.
The Bible tells us that we must confess our sins one to another so that we might be healed. It seems to for the longest time I wanted to be healed without the confession. The confession part is what got to me. I did not want others to see who I really was. My great fear was that if people knew who I really was, they would avoid me like the plague.
I kept the secret of my sins and did not tell my wife about them. I accepted the advice of some counselors and ministers around me. The secret of my sin was causing a spiritual battle of lies, anger, and resentment. Not only were these emotions causing problems at home, but I was also dealing with spiritual attachments, soul ties, and all the generational curses from my familyís past that were passed on to me. My anger and lies were contagious. My wife and child were being attached by the soul ties and evil spirits that had attached themselves to me because of joining my body with a prostitute. My child was starting to lie and show signs of rebellion. My wife was constantly suspicious of me. She was feeling like she was losing her mind. She had all these feelings, dreams, and fear of my doing something, but I would lie and do all I could to cover up my sins.
I have made confessions, cried, and begged for the forgiveness of my wife, friends, pastors, and a small group of people whom I thought would hear me out before I was judged. For the most part my past confessions were genuine, and I desired to be healed. There was however, one big problem with my confessions. They were all for the wrong reasons. They were intended to relieve my guilt. I wanted to get the monkey off my back. I would no longer feel the weight of my sin anymore. But, I hurt all those individuals around me to whom I told my dirty secrets.
I will never forget my first confession to my wife. She had been suspicious of my having an affair or some type of sexual acting out. My wife was talking to me while I was in the shower and brought up lying. She said that she knew I was lying about something because it had attached itself to our daughter. At that point I became broken and confessed to a small portion of my acting out sexually with prostitutes and looking at pornography on the Internet. My wife did not say anything after my confession. I was in fear of what might happen next. I was afraid of her getting mad and throwing something through the glass shower stall. But she didnít, she just left. I tried to call her all day. My heart raced all day. My mind had thoughts of suicide. I was in one of the worst conditions I could be in; I was in a place that I had never been before, I had been honest. When I did finally reach her, we were to meet with the pastor of our Church. I was fearful that she and the pastor had already made a plan of attack and that she had probably had the locks already changed on the door. But I was to be wrong. The words of our pastor saved my marriage. He told my wife that biblically she had the right to leave me, but she was not obligated to do so. I think my wife did not expect these pearls of wisdom either. I think she had already made up her mind that she was going to get the green light to do whatever she needed to do. These words were helpful at first. Like most people that get found out, I did what it took at first to get the attention off of myself. We went to the pastor for counseling and at one point my wife wanted to renew our wedding vows. I stood up to renew my vows and when the pastor started, I became hot and flushed. All the memories of being with prostitutes and living a lie came back as if it were on and IMAX screen. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I knew that I had not been totally revealing about my sexual sins magnitude. I had to stop the renewal of our vows and confess the rest before I could continue with the vows. I told my wife things that this beautiful women of God did not deserve to hear. I could not imagine the pain that I just put on her. Here she thought she knew the truth, but it was only a glimpse into the life of the man she had pledged her life to. This women reached into a place of her heart that only God could have put their. She displayed something that only God could have given her; grace and mercy for me. We talked and cried, and in the end, she still wanted to proceed through with the renewal of our wedding vows.
I was able to remain sexually pure for two years. During these two years I experienced many things. She was deeply hurt and I had a lot to prove. I had not been with a prostitute, looked at pornography, or acted out in any way with myself.
Having received the pastorís help and advice, I met with one of the men in the Church who at one point was active as an elder. He was also a professional. We met awhile and he was for the most part a sponsor. He gave me support and advice about staying sexually pure. He told me that he had almost lost everything as a result of his acting out. He was somebody who had a great deal to loose. His wife also talked with my wife. She was very blunt and advised my wife concerning how to deal with my sin and me.
For a year, I attended 12-step programs regarding sexual addictions. I even started a group in my office. I had made social and some spiritual connections in this program.
We had parties and went out to lunch together. We supported one and another. It was good until I got inside my head following a year of sobriety, All of a sudden; I became too smart for the program. I stopped doing what it took to stay sexually pure. I did not attend the 12-step programs; I did not meet with the recovery people for lunch anymore. I stopped everything but meeting with one of the pastors. We would meet for lunch once a week. It took about another year for me to fall back into my sexual sins of seeing prostitutes, porn, and self-sex. At times I would tell the assistant pastor about my acting out. After a while of acting out, I was so ashamed of what I was doing that I even stopped being honest with him. It was a circle of deception, and I thought I was getting away with it.
I had believed a lie. I thought that if I could maintain the faÁade, I could act out in any way I wanted. As I acted out the sins grew worse, and the money and time it took to keep up with my sin was becoming great. As the sin grew, so did my shame. The shame of my sins was overwhelming. I was in the grasp of a monster. I became depressed and suicidal. I had to go on an antidepressant. My personality began to change. My weight increased from 300 pounds to 450 pounds. I became self-destructive. The more I felt bad about myself and my sexual sins, the more I acted out trying to make myself feel good. It finally came to a point that the prostitutes, pornography and masturbation did not make me feel good anymore. I was going through the motions, hoping to find the ultimate fix; the sexual high that I had imagined in my head would meet my ultimate fantasy. It was all a lie. The more the fantasy, the bigger the sin became and the more I was losing everything I had worked for. I was not keeping up the business at my office. I was not paying my bills. I would make up every excuse I could to stay out of church. When a man is in the dark, he does not want to come into the light for fear of being seen. At one point as my sexual behavior reached an all time high of sin, I felt that I had even lost God. I felt I was too bad for God.
I had lost all desire to serve God. I was making every excuse I could to stay away from Christians and anything to do with God. In my head, I was mad at God because He didnít somehow heal me of the sin that I perpetuated as much as I could get away with. The greatest of my sins had not found their way to the confession altar. I had lied about my sexual sins for so long, I couldnít remember when it started and when it stopped.
Site: Managing the Madness
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