Become a Fan
By Mitzi Kay Jackson
Monday, November 13, 2006
Rated "R" by the Author.
Ailing trouble in body or mind
think back "The Color Purple"
Your body needs rest too….Lot of folks don’t know that, just like yo mind sometimes you got ta sit still to clear all the ramblings and going on. Childe same goes fo yo body. It’ll shut down on you. My momma use to tell me that all the time, she say all that ripping and running I do was going to catch-up wit me, and my lips would smack soo loud cause honey I need it all, and all of what I know was it was her faught that I was a rippin and a running. Parents hate it when you know the truth bout them, they never think the truth gon come out and when it do alls they want to say then is, “I did the best I could do, to do right by you or some old folk talk, like they be talking to some slave owner.
Don’t they know this is our time we ain’t got to be scared of nobody now those times is over……shiiiiit the revolutionaries said it was time to push back…….they teaching me how to shoot now…. And any one of em’ (and don’t be actin’ like you don’t know who I’m talking bout……..Whitey) get in my way oh it’s going to be over. Hm….they teaching me bout the truth about them, they tell me that they ain’t human no how, dats why some of em got tails, and they skin ain’t natural. But they must have did lots of thinking up in them caves, cause they sho’ came out and took over you hear me.
I love being round these revolutionaries they makes me feel strong, and in control and I was needing that. I was so confused so confused. Momma wouldn’t act right so daddy jetted, he didn’t want anything to do wit me if momma wasn’t willing, so one night he came to my room wakin me shakin me I was about seven cause I remember momma telling me I was at a righteous age anyway
he said “well yo gon always be daddy’s best gurl, but till yo momma act right I ain’t gon be around you gon have to come get me when you older and childe I ain’t never cried that much in my life including now and I begged him not to go or to take me with him…..and he was out the door.
My daddy was fine and so was my momma but she was square, she is square that’s why every man she get leave cause she don’t know how to keep em’. And her latest one got ta looking hard at me and I wasn’t going to have that kind no more I’m older now alls momma knows is one-day he was here and the next he was gon. I ain’t got ta tell you all what was happening you know and I wasn’t gon to let that shit happen no more. Cause once something like that happen to you it changes you, I know it changed me. I was a little gurl missing my daddy, and these mens momma got herself hooked up wit hooked up wit me… Now she wont ta be concern bout my running round. C’mon lets said it together two plus two is………
I want to hate her but now that I’m grown and don’t know what happened in her life to make her so weak, such a square….I’ve tried to talk wit her and find out, and to let her know but she just flip her gums bout my life and somebody buying milk and a cow Lawd, I just know I am free and I love it, I lay wit who I want when I want and can’t nobody do nothing bout it. I go where I want when I want and guess what can’t nobody do nothing about it. And honey when I found out what all the going on about them blue light parties, and those late-nite hole in the walls, like Jr.’s Oh baby…….childe I would live those spots with my lipstick twisted and all sticky tween ma leggs, and lot of the times holding on to one of them deep, black gorilla looking cats.
I love them kinds it makes me think of the Silver Back, the kind I learn about in school powerful, loving, in charge, in command and baby don’t fuck wit they family. Then I started getting looks from “the regulars” you know the women who frequent them places, making money you know.
At first I thought they was going to make trouble fo me, you know people talk, so I kept my blade close, cause nobody was going to get in my way of fun. But no they wanted to make friends with me, hang out wit me or really wanting to make they daddy happy if you know what I mean…..so it was cool for in them places but I wasn’t working fo them I had a job and didn’t need them mens money, I just wanted a little fun and lawd if I didn’t have no sense they made it sound soo good getting paid to do sumthin I liked doing in the first place. But I wasn’t going to give my money up no sir. But they all turned out to be pretty good friends of mine and when they wasn’t doing what they was doing we’d go shopping and hanging any how.
I don’t know when it happen, I don’t know what happen differently wit the falling of the sun dis here day. I just know come sun rise I was still sitting here in the same spot, not knowing nuthin. I think it could have been a lot of thangs that builded up in my heart clogging it, just a lot of things spilling over from my head, just making ma feet heavy. I do know round the time I just felt so full, so heavy and Lawd my tears
was on strike wouldn’t fall none to free up some space from my heart and mind. It started when I found out that, around the same time daddy left, it just so happen to be the same time he had another daughter, we met and got ta talking and found out her daddy was my daddy….and we got ta talking more and I found out that she was daddy’s best gurl too well you can just about imagine how long we stayed friends, we talk from time to time but she is on that kick same as my mother……”all that drinking and parting gonna caught-up with you”, she’s younger than me so what does she know bout the way my flower grows. She had my daddy till she was up in age, he taught her thangs he ain’t taught me.
I know he talk to me through her and since he could leave me like that and ain’t come back, not even on birthdays or holidays then I don’t wont him round now….and that is that. I use to have people round my home my door all the time but as time goes on their less and less people round me they say I change when I get going wit the drinks and all, I guess I do kinda let it all hang out then, things I’m too shy to say, or been holding on the inside tends to come out when I drink. But that don’t make me no different. I have lots of smile when I’m smiling lots of smile and sometimes I’m so hollow on the inside it scares me.
I wish I’d had some children or sumptin, I sure as hell didn’t wont none of them mens I was wit but I think I would make a good mother. I don heard it said that I had baby makin hips and on hot days when they ain’t much air my breast swell like they full of milk, real heavy like, like the way sister told me when she had her babies she got three to my none and she done married twice…..but that don’t make me no never mind cause she had, cuse me she has to put up wit too much stuff coming from of her husband ass.
First time I saw daddy in such a long time was through sister childe he was still looking good. Boy the air was thick as molasses when he walked in, and my heart melted I remember him kissing my cheek at night with his thick lips and dark eyes. I loved me some him and when he looked at me and smiled everything went silent I just saw his lips moving, I loved him so much but I hated him so much too. And when he got close to me to hug me, I turned and told sister I be back later when the air wasn’t so thick and I walked out. Then I headed straight to mommas mad as a bat out of ell!!!! Got me to wondering if I had of had some children would his ass had showed up fo me. And what the hell was going on soo tuff dat he ain’t evn most been to check-up on momma and me. Childe I pulled up and just bout all dat angry inside me came out in a great big sigh. Momma so pretty and to see her pretty square self in the garden as if life don’t touch her effect her at all. Never thought about it much till then but momma is one of the good people, God done took care of her she don’t need daddy, or nobody fo that fact. And I just sat in the car watching her fo a spell, I know she knowed I was there but she probably knowed I was in one of those how come moods that got so heavy tween us that she go lock herself in her room turn up her music and drown me out till I leave. It hurts her, but it hurts me too…..sitting there doing all that thinking made me plenty thirsty and honey it ain’t no better place to go fo that is Jr.’s, I have to get ma self to Jr.’s and get a drink fore I explode…….. See the revolutionaries died out I looked up one day and some of the hardest men was wrapped in white thighs and the women raising their children that they don left behind, or dead or in jail or out there making money….cause the ones that was left was really down just got disgusted wit the lot of us and don went into hiding almost I guess they be back someday, one day.
Till then I just gone sit here and swallow me some shade and sit the night away. Dats what I like about going to Jr.’s I can sip shade all day and sip mo at night and if I take up the notion to be lefted lone baby I will be lefted alone you hear me. Yes I got it like that. I lefted Jr.’s alone and it wasn’t cuss I wasn’t asked fellows no me now they all at one point of time or another wanted to slide next to me rub bellies wit me…..naw childe the night airs was enuf for me.
I walked that long walk home noticing thangs I hadn’t notice befor…..like how long that rode was to my house the last house on that rode and how alone my house look, every most body had life to they houses wit children, or flowers or garden or even wit color my house is grey on grey no flowers and only reason my yard is done up nice is cause Mrs. Wilson husband feels sorry for me that’s what he tells her but he want to be rubbing up too. Even Mary’s boy house is livelier than mine and he a single boy. I hears people talking at me as I walk home but I don’t say nuthin back, just don’t have the energy don’t know where it went from here to there. But I just can’t wait to close my door behind me.
I didn’t really believe how tired I was all of a sudden, but I sat down at my kitchen table pulled out a pack of smokes poured my own glass of shade from my covert and ain’t answered no phone, no door, no nuthin. I ain’t got no one in my life worth visiting wit anyhow.
I just been sittin don’t know how many days done run passed me and I did saved up a pretty nice penny anyhow if my boss wont ta act funny…..Brooks boy can run back and forth ta dat store
for me, don’t know why dat boy took a liking to me no how…..his momma musta breast feed him cause his eyes just brightens up when he see me coming and da always caught-up in my blouse.
Now here come sister at my window again musta left that sweet little child of hers at home wit the daddy. Ain’t seen her since the hospital, well I don seent her, but ain’t sat wit her. That child gots problems of her own I know bout that daddy of hers, that baby daddy of hers, but everybody got they problems I had mine back then and she got hers now.
“I know you in there, open up I’m needing to talk” I see her peeking in but I just can’t move. “Yo momma don said she been here, she don called yo daddy, let me in” Lawd if she don called daddy it must be serious, cause she swore not ta ever talk to dat man again and as far as I know she haven’t. but I still can’t move my body just won’t go. Ceptin to raise this cancer stick yeah that’s what they calling it now to my lips and my drink to my lips and back down.
Well maybe she leavin I’m ok just need the time to ma self sometimes we need that. Time to and fo myself shiiiiiit I thought that was what I was about in the first place. Gawd I sound like momma. “Sister! You ain’t here me at yo door?!? What’s going on wit you?!?
( This heifer done climbed her big ass through my window) You wont take no calls yo momma worried, yo job called, yo daddy don came by, and I don been by?”
Childe I just sat, couldn’t even most raise ma eyes to see her face. I musta look a pure mess cause when she bent down and looked me in ma face she got as quiet as a church mouse on Easter. You know I never knew how much could be said in silence. Then again I knowed it, silence is a mutherfucker fo real. Fore I could get a thang out of ma mouth she had po’ed her a glass of shade and pulled a brush from out her pocketbook and took dat brush through ma head. And if ma body wasn’t on strike I would have cried, cried like when daddy left me, cause I needed ma head scratch so badly but just hadn’t had the strength. And she even got ta humming. And I never knew that childe could sang till she started humming. And when I got ta humming wit her I knowed I was going to be ok…….yes Lawd I was going to be ok
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|Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
|Most outstanding...well written!!
|Reviewed by Felix Perry
|This is simply outstanding. It tells the story of an era through the eyes of one very real girl and tells it in the language, the real language, of the times. This is so good and so publishable that I hope a book is in the making as a continuation of this theme. Mitzi this is good, no bullshit here.
Felix L. Perry