I loved Evan, and was thankful that I had his support, but sometimes I felt I was becoming a burden to him though he assured me I never was, and generally the feelings did not last long. Ever since the diagnosis I had, had moments like that though when I felt I was nothing more than burden to those that I loved, but I knew deep down none of my family felt that way, they just did not like seeing me suffer, like seeing M.S take me a piece at a time. I had some days when the disease seemed to be letting me lead an almost life, but I had days when it took everything I had to get out of bed and care for Valerie, who had started going to a nursery school a few months prior. She loved going to school, it made her feel like a big girl, and Evan and I had decided it would be good for her and for me, that way I could get the rest I needed in the mornings and when Valerie came home in the afternoons I could play with her.
Valerie was three by now, but even at that young age, she knew that her Mommy was sick, and that other Mommy’s were able to do more, but she was content to sit in my lap and listened to me read story books, or to sit with Mommy and watch her princess movies. I was thankful that Valerie was so easy to please, and that she seemed to understand when I was not feeling my best. I hated days like that, because it was those days when Valerie would find a way to entertain herself and I felt I should be spending more time with her. She was my little girl, and the years were already flying by. In a couple of years she would start Kindergarten. I prayed that when she did start school that I would not be so bad off that I could not take care of her, I prayed that I would be able to help Valerie through the transition.
I loved my little girl and my husband, and I had dreamed of having more children. At least one more child but now I even questioned whether or not I should. If I could not give Valerie the love and attention she needed how would I a newborn? I would spend more time praying about it though, and praying that this disease would not take everything away from me.
I was learning to live with what the doctors had said, that diagnosis of M.S that hand changed my life, I was not completely getting sunk into the depression that I had felt at first, I was going to make it, with the help of my husband and daughter. I would make it and I would get through this, my family and my faith were going to see me through this.
Copyright Michelle R Kidwell