The next few days were spent with a unison of doctors, specialists and therapists coming into my room. They could not risk that my muscles atrophy so they began physical therapy right away, and in the end I always ended up feeling like I had just run a marathon instead of having someone else move my legs for me. I wondered if this was going to be my life from now on, dependent on others for what I needed. I prayed not, I liked my independence.
Kevin seemed to be watching me when I slept at least that was what it felt like to me and to tell you the truth I did not care for that feeling. Something was not right, and I really could not put my finger on it, but had I made a mistake by marrying Kevin? I had a million questions like that playing through my mind, and I really did not know whether the questions were really for me to be concerned about, or whether I was just letting my imagination run away with me.
I wanted to get out of here and run, I am getting scared, scared of the man I married, and I really donít know why. But of course I am a prisoner to this hospital bed, and I will never walk again according to the doctors, well I will be glad when I am strong enough to wheel myself out of here anyway. Why did I marry this man if I am so scared of him? Was I scared of him before? More questions and again I have no answers, instead I am once again left with confusion and wondering why.
I wish Kevin would leave, I hate feeling as if I am being stared at, and this man is scaring me, my husband is scaring me. Whatís happening to me? I want answers, and I want them now, but still they are not coming, and I dare not voice my fears to Kevin, or he might try to harm me, or think I am crazy or something.
Am I crazy Lord? None of this is making any sense. Why on the earth would someone want to get me drunk by spiking the punch, I hate alcohol, not to mention the fact it can kill me. What if my fears are not unfounded what if my husband is trying to kill me? Oh Lord I donít know what to do.
Kevin is still sitting beside my bed, I can feel him watching me even though my eyes are closed. I am pretending to be asleep but how can I be asleep when I am so so scared. I am wondering if my husband is a monster, and whether or not those fears are founded I really canít say. What I can say is I am tired of it all I want my life back, I thought my days of being scared, being in a hospital bed were long gone, but here I am paralyzed from the waist down.
I am finally alone, Kevin went to get something to eat, or something I really donít know and truth be told I really donít care, something is making me extremely uneasy around him, and I donít like that feeling in the least. Is he the reason I am laying in a hospital bed, facing the fact that I am now going to face life in a wheelchair?
The doctors came in with some good news, they said my lungs and everything are okay, thank God for that. Itís my spinal cord that is damaged, but I am alive, but if Kevin has it his way that may not be for long, oh Lord knows that I hope I am wrong about Kevin, but why am I feeling this? Why am I acting so darn scared of the man I am supposed to love.
I guess none of this makes any sense, certainly not to me anyway. I wonder if anyone can make sense out of any of this, and I wonder why I am having to fight like this. I really wonder.
I am tired, so tired of this all, but what can I do to stop this? Why was I so blind to my feelings before? Why wasnít I allowing myself to feel these fears before this happened? What if this is all in my imagination, but then again what if itís not?
I am growing weary, but I have to get my thoughts together. I have to make sense of all of this, if at all possible. Besides all I have been doing is laying in a hospital bed, that wonít be lasting long though, the therapist will be here in a half an hour, and I begin physical therapy. I will be glad when I can go home, but at the same time I am afraid, if what I fear is true , Kevin may be the reason I am in this hospital facing life in a wheelchair, and if I go home with him I could be dead. I can hear my teeth shattering. I am going to close my eyes for a few minutes before the physical therapist comes to take me to the therapy room. I look forward to getting stronger and getting out of this stupid hospital bed, so I am glad I am starting therapy although by the time the session is over I am not so sure I will be glad.