Become a Fan
By Dave LeGates
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
You'll never look at your toaster the same way again!
Just to let you know that when we move, we don't move like everyone else does.
Well you know we don't do anything like everyone else does, but that's why you like us.
We do things slightly differently when we move. When you move, you wrap up and box up everything nicely, mark the boxes, call the movers and everything arrives at you new home, well organized, in one piece ready for you to unpack and start your happy new life.
Us on the other hand, we throw everything in boxes at the last minute with no rhyme or reason behind it, call the movers and everything we can find arrives smashed so we can all fight about who packed the boxes.
Then we go back to the old place after the movers have left and find out half the house hasn't been packed yet.
I just expect it now.
One of the other things that is different about us moving is when most people are moving and someone asks for something they say, "Oh um sorry..we're moving, we don't know where anything is."
However with us, when were moving, for the first time in years, I know where EVERYTHING is. I mean I haven't seen this crap in years, it was all lost when I was looking for it last time, but right now...no problem.
The real estate agent asked for paperwork and said, "See if you can find it and dig it out."
Right away I replied, "Haha...asswipe, I KNOW where it is!!"
One of the many things people do when they are moving is they are able to take mental inventory of what they have too much of and what they don't have at all.
It was during this that we kind of figured out that we don't have a toaster. For the past few years, we've just been toasting the bread in the oven and the reason is that I am deathly afraid of toasters. The toaster is the only electrical appliance that is designed to catch on fire without warning. Now made so cheaply they can sell for under $10, the person assembling your toaster can actually program how many uses your toaster will have before it catches on fire.
Everyone you know has likely had a toaster story. Your toaster can burst out into flames just sitting there on your counter, it doesn't even have to be plugged in.
Practically everyone has a scorch mark somewhere on your plastic counters the result of a toaster fire. How many times have you waken up to find your toaster on fire and you haven't even made your toast yet.
For years, I used to go back into the house and make sure the toaster was unplugged before I went to work. Not that it matters mind you.
Toasters have an amazing history.
Lets face it, toasters are usually the first electrical appliance a kid learns to work by himself unsupervised.
This of course can be part of the problem also. Parents who have their kid on auto pilot in the morning just figure the kid will get his own toast.
Then eventually the kid messes with the Light/Dark setting, gets impatient because the toast isn't getting dark enough and cranks it up.
Well I'm not sure all that heat was intended to occupy such a small area and soon the thing is ablaze. The Light/Dark setting on a toaster is perhaps the controversial accessory to any device ever invented.
It is possibly the closest thing a young kid has to a nuclear weapon against his family.Want to get revenge? Pop in a couple of slices, crank the bitch to Dark and watch your parents run for their lives.
Toasters were once one of those "must have's" in everyone house. When a couple got married, the first thing everyone clamored for was to be the one who got them the toaster on their gift shower list.
But then when the toaster went up in flames, then the happy couple would be asking each other, "Who bought us that?" Automatically that person became the center of your hate list.
Toasters have stopped becoming good gifts.
Every morning my secretary Kathie is toasting something at work and every morning I ask her if that toaster is on fire.You might ask me, why are you so concerned about this, really...over half a billion slices of toast are successfully popped every day in the US, yet there are ONLY about 500,000 toaster fires a day.
If you consider an average of 2 slices are popped at a time and you do your math, that makes your odds of your toaster catching fire ONLY 1 in 750! That's a little too close for my comfort.
This means if you use your toaster once every single day for 2 years, your toaster will likely go up in flames some time around your birthday.
Every morning you get up, look at the toaster and say, "Is today gonna be the day?"
Isn't it depressing to turn on the news and see someone's house on fire...the investigation is underway...cause of the fire...someone fell asleep with the toaster running and the popper....well...didn't pop.How many people have you seen running from their blazing home with a char broiled piece of pumpernickel screaming, "I JUST WANTED A SLICE OF TOAST!!"Then they invented all sorts of other stuff to make in your toaster, that probably should've never have seen the insides of a toaster.
An English muffin comes to mind. What with all the nooks, crannys and jagged crumbs touching the element, at least 5,000 Thomas' go up in flames each day.
When kids decide to try out all the fun products invented for toasting, anything can happen.
When idiots like my son Bri are armed with Toaster Strudel and he puts the icing on before he puts it in the toaster, that will make for a fun morning of emergency vehicles at your house.
Then of course watching him and Doodle (my wife) light a cigarette on the insides of the toaster is not only a real trailer park thing to do but will double your chance of your house going up in flames.
Pop Tarts are a great cause of toaster controversy in any house. Young kids love Pop Tarts, they can have a sugar laden breakfast treat and parents love it because they don't have to get out of bed to make it.
The problem is that many kids can't or don't bother read the little fine print on the package that says...CAUTION: FILLING HOT
They just know they're gonna get something good. So they toast it and they seem to have a way of burning even quicker than bread. Well the kid comes out and rescues it from the toaster, takes it out and the screaming begins.
I can't begin to tell you how many kids I've seen in the emergency room, holding an ice bag and eating a damn Pop Tart. If you see a kid in the car eating a Pop Tart, he's probably on his way to the ER. I can recall a Chaz (my brother) episode of him getting burned on a Pop Tart, throwing it on the floor and I accidentally stepped on it bare footed in the kitchen, roasting my foot into a nice blister. Mother got him the ice bag, I got yelled at for letting him make his own Pop Tart and a "Serves you right."
Then one time he decided to try to save time and butter the bread before putting it in the toaster.
Then he sat in the other room watching cartoons with me and next thing you know the smoke is billowing out of the kitchen.
Part of the fun of the toaster is the famous crumb pit. The little bits of burned up bread your grandmother tries to use as bread crumbs that rest in the bottom of the toaster.
The crumb pit can be emptied out via the crumb hatch every year or two or when your grandmother comes over to cook, which ever comes first. In the meantime a little pile of kindling wood is forming on the bottom to help bring your next toaster fire to life.
I personally think all toasters should have a little postcard in the box they come in for you to send in $5 and get an insurance policy to cover your damages when it goes up in flames.
People then try to sell their toaster sometimes at a yard sale and try to tempt you by getting rid of it for 50 cents. That should set off your internal fire alarm and tell you that the bitch has already gone up once.
Just turn around and go home!
We are launching a campaign to help rid the Earth of dangerous toasters. I'm starting an organization called T.O.A.S.T. (Throw Out All Shitty Toasters).
Help us help you by turning in your toaster, its gonna go up in flames sooner or later. Know a friend of family member with a dangerous or potentially dangerous toaster?
Maybe they haven't opened the crumb pit in awhile?
Rat them out and we'll visit them and persuade them to turn in their toaster for their own safety and that of those they love.
Tomorrow morning when you wake up and get ready to make your toast...heed my warning...today might be YOUR day!
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