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Bear Brooks

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I Do Not Pay for Sex; I’m Married.” (Yeah, Right!)
By Bear Brooks
Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Things everyone needs to know!

Family and money are two of the most important things in my life; do not screw around with either of them! There are many issues regarding your family and home life that you have to deal with on a daily basis. You have to be on alert; due to the number of ways people can attack you and your wallet at home. I will discuss many different areas of home life, including both married and single people, because everyone has things they need to improve.

Dating is for jackasses. Most people go through their early dating years being shy and withdrawn. There are many factors that cause this. Sometimes, it is the fear of rejection; for others, it is the fear of commitment. For those shy people, you need to just jump in headfirst and ask the other person out. All you have to lose is your pride if you get rejected. You will usually get rejected, so if you get out there and get a few out of the way, it will toughen you up. The fear and hurt feelings go away, and you will have more confidence the next time. All the other person can do is say, “No,” but they could surprise you and say, “Yes.”

Do not try to go to bars to find your future wife (if you’re looking for sex, that’s different). If you find your wife at a bar, you will probably find out later that she will go to bars without you when you are married. Some people are lucky and find their wives in bars and live happily ever after, but these cases are definitely not the majority. Do not go looking for a spouse! Let it just happen. Do not put pressure on someone to commit to you, or it will backfire.

Dating costs a great deal of money. Try to find ways to have fun with a date that will not eat up your paycheck. Go on nature walks, go to parks, have a picnic, etc., to keep costs down. When I was dating, every date would eat me alive with movies, dinner, drinks, popcorn, candy, and the giant list of overpriced things you will be paying for. I am not saying take her to Krystal’s for dinner, but be aware of your budget. I know of people who would not have money to eat lunch for the next week because they used their all their money trying to impress women on Friday and Saturday of the previous week. If you have to impress the person you are pursuing, then you need to stop and rethink your goals. I have had women that wanted me to spend money on them, and it backfired every time. I did not have money for dating. My best dates involved a woman coming to my apartment, renting a movie, ordering pizza, and making a few mixed drinks; the entire evening cost about $20 to $25. You cannot have a few drinks at a bar for that price.

Dating is emotionally draining. Each person has to contend with questions of adequacy. How was the other person’s sex life before me? How do I compare to the previous partner? Am I funny enough? Endowed enough? Am I too fat? These and thousands of other questions bounce around in your head. All I can tell you is if you want to be happy, you will have to go through many dates, many emotional roller-coasters, and a vast amount of money before you find someone who will put up with your quirks and issues. This is the key to a happy relationship: finding someone that will put up with you. Most people can change very little when it comes to relationships. Do not ever think you can find a supermodel who is a bitchand turn her into June Cleaver. It will never happen.

Men, you have to remember one thing: women have 100 percent of the power when it comes to dating. They decide when, where, if, and for how long you are going to date. You decide how much money is in your wallet (and bank account). Men always act like they are studs to their buddies when they first start to date a women, but every man that has been married knows the single guy is always full of sh*t. Everything a single guy says about first dates with new women are usually false. If anything he says sounds like bragging, he is lying. Guys will say they have this new girl wrapped around their finger, or that they have the greatest sex in the world. Ask the woman, and you will find the truth.

Married people are jackasses. Marriage is like a hot sex dream: both are better when you are asleep! Single people cannot even begin to understand the ups and downs of being married. You may be shacked-up with someone, but believe me, it is not the same as being married. “Money isn’t everything” is what we hear all the time (from people who haven’t got any). Well I’ve got news for you: it is, when it comes to getting married, having children, and living a normal life. To be a good spouse and a parent means having a good job and a steady income; this is the most important thing you must have. If you do not have a steady job and income, you need to stay single, unless you are marrying into money. You need to live well beneath what you can afford. You need to buy a house for $20,000 less than you think you can afford. Do not try to impress people with your vehicle. I sold a $35,000 truck and bought myself a 1986 Toyota 4Runner to save money. I know what sacrifice is.

Marriage is a huge sacrifice in every aspect of your life (if you want to stay married). You had better be emotionally stable and happy with yourself before you get married. A marriage is emotionally draining. You have to be willing to think of yourself last when it comes to marriage and to your children. If you cannot do this, you need to marry your hand or personal massager. Women have mood swings; men have mood swings, and both will make each partner want to kill each other. Do not think you can go to bed mad either because you will both wake up mad, and the fight (which was probably pointless to begin with) will continue on into the next day. In most cases these days, people find that they cannot get along and end up getting divorced.

Divorced people are jackasses. Some people are professionals at divorce, and I am not talking about the therapists. If you have been divorced two or more times, you may want to think about yourself first, then think about what you are looking for in a spouse. If you have been divorced multiple times, you may want to think back and decide if you actually put your spouse’s wants and needs in front of your own. If you know you did all you can and you put your spouse’s needs first, then you may want to change the standards you are looking for. If you keep looking for a supermodel, that is what you will get. Most women are not supermodels, and from what I have seen, the best wives and mothers are attractive but are not supermodels. If you are a woman looking for a “hunk,” you will find one, but you will soon know what he is a “hunk” of. Attractiveness goes hand in hand with shallowness. Try to find someone you are compatible with, and I do not mean just sexually. Any two jackasses can have sex and dumb-asses breed new dumb-asses.

The divorce law system is nothing but jackasses. Everyone knows some man who has been trounced in the courts when it comes to divorce, alimony, and child support. I personally know several men who have been screwed hard by the system. I know one man who has to pay $1,200 a month to his ex-wife for child support, when he only brings home $1,800 a month after taxes. He has to live with his parents; otherwise, he would have to go on welfare to be able to live. Great system. Another friend has an ex-wife getting $1,800 a month, and the wife always made more than $75,000 a year by herself; the husband makes around $50,000. Now the wife gets an additional $21,600 a year, and do you think she spends any of this money on the children? Fat chance. This system has failed miserably. I can understand deadbeat dads needing to be hunted down and publicly humiliated, but this divorce system needs to be changed. I could not pay my wife $1,200 to $1,800 a month in support; it would be cheaper to kill her.

Parents are jackasses. Do your children a favor before you have them, and get prepared. You have to be prepared to put your life on hold for a minimum of three years, from the time your children are born, before you can start to resume any type of normal life. If you cannot stop your partying, drinking, going to the movies, and having fun, then you had better not have children (unless you want to be another sorry parent). You will not have a social life to speak of. You do not need to dump your kids off with everyone else so you can go out and party. My wife and I have been out to eat one time, in 2003, and that was our anniversary. The remainder of the time, we are full-time babysitters. We have two careers and two children. The best times of my life.

Children are expensive. Before you get the little vomit-poop machine home, your bank account starts going down. Car seats, cribs, formula, diapers (by the hundreds), drugs, doctors, clothes, and last but not least, toys. If you do not have a good job with a steady income, do society and yourselves a favor, and keep it in your pants or wear a condom (if you know how). Kids have a great way of bringing out the greed in other parents. Parents of other children will send you invitations to their children’s birthday parties to get a gift from you but will never show up at your children’s birthday parties. When you have children, for some reason, your electric bill, gas bill, water bill, and food bill start to climb. It seems as though the taller the children get, the higher your bills get. Every light in your home will soon be left on; every television in the house will stay on, and the washer, and dryer never seem to stop.

Children are emotionally draining. God makes children cute to keep you from killing them. Children will push every nerve in your body, until you are ready to snap. You will soon learn how to step back and count to ten to settle your nerves. If you have had children and have not divorced yet, you will need to learn to take turns leaving the house for several hours at a time to keep your sanity. Children are very stressful. You will never be able to sleep soundly again. The whining never stops. They fight constantly with each other. Children have an amazing way of going deaf every time you call their names.

Children need guidance when it comes to feeding. When children are young, you have to feed them whatever they will eat. My son lived on peanut butter and milk for the longest time because that was all he would eat. After attempting other foods thousands of times, we were able to get him to start eating normal food. It was a slow process, but we kept trying, and now it is working. My daughter on the other hand, is a pig. She would eat a cockroach if you put it in front of her. We had to limit her intake and water down her milk so that she would not get fat. Feeding children is the biggest child rearing problem we have with our society. People always try to blame someone or something, when they themselves are to blame for letting their children become fat slobs. It is never the parents’ fault; they try to sue McDonald’s because they sell fattening foods. The judges in that case should be punished along with the parents for blatant stupidity. Other parents try to blame genetics, but not the five pounds of ice cream and candy they stuff down their children’s throats on a weekly basis. People, stop feeding your children crap. You are to blame for your child’s health and well being. If you super size your child’s food, you will be super sizing their fat bodies at the same time.

You as a parent are responsible for your child’s actions. Discipline has disappeared in American society. Long gone are the days of schools paddling badly behaved students, children having to walk to get their own switches (as I always had to do), and getting beaten with wooden spoons. Today there is time-out. Wow, what a concept. We now have thousands of self-help books written by people who either did not have children, or they had the money to have their children reared by nannies or someone else but themselves. Most parents I know who have tried these “gentler” methods have failed their children. Children have to know right from wrong, and this lesson must start at a very early age. After a child reaches school-age, it is almost impossible to repair the harm you have done to your child’s idea of discipline. Children need to understand that “no” and “stop” mean to stop in their tracks and look at you. Also if you call a child’s name, they should stop and look at you. There have been too many cases of children running away from their parents in a crowd and disappearing, or a child running away from their parents’ calls and getting run over by a passing car because the child would not acknowledge the parent calling them. Both parents must take an active role in the consistent disciplining of their children. You definitely do not want your home to be a case of good-cop/bad-cop, or you will both want to kill each other.

You, as a parent are responsible for giving your child an education. You need to start planning (before the child enters school) for their college education. If you start a 529 plan early enough, you would not have to save that much to help cover the child’s education in any public college. Your child may get a scholarship, but do not rely on that eighteen years from now. Georgia has a Hope Scholarship program (funded with the state lottery) for all children with a B average, but it will fail long before any of your children get to high school. Teachers feel guilty now about holding children back, so they give Bs to failing students. So the logical result (with thousands getting scholarships they do not deserve) is the Hope program will be bankrupt within ten years. What a shame for the deserving students, but it is okay as long as the teachers do not feel guilty!

If you can in any way do this, you need to get your children into private school as soon as you can. Hopefully, we will have a voucher system soon that will allow your child to escape the grasp of our worthless government school systems. These schools are failing our children left and right. The teachers are underpaid. The schools are overcrowded within a few years of being built because of pathetic planning agencies. The only thing government schools are good for is trying to get your child hooked on Ritalin or some other brain-deadening drug. How did children survive hundreds of years of education without these wonderful mind-altering drugs? The reason for this is that lately teachers do not want to deal with a child that needs to be given brain stimulation in school. They want your poor child to sit in class like a zombie and listen without commotion. Children that act bored in school, usually are, and they need to be taught subjects using more stimulating methods. These students are some of the brightest in school once they have received some type of stimulation, either through making learning fun, or the teacher uses another method besides regurgitating (throwing up) information from a book.

A child needs to learn the meaning of saving money as soon as they can count and understand what money is. I did not learn until later in life, and it was too late. Children need to learn to save a minimum of 10 to 20 percent of all the money they make or receive as gifts. I am teaching my children to save 10 percent of their money for short-term goals and another 10 percent for long-term goals. If your child can learn this lesson early in their life, they will never have a problem buying a car or a house, and they will always be prepared for the inevitable financial disaster that we all go through. I never prepared a “rainy day” fund and have regretted it every time I have to repair something unexpected.

The department of family and children services is a giant group of jackasses. As one of the biggest failures ever invented, this program needs to be completely revamped. The system is completely understaffed by irresponsible people, who have no possible method of protecting children. The abuses of power they use are reported daily. The negligence reports are too numerous to list. Children die repeatedly, who are supposed to be in the department’s care. They repeatedly try to take children from good homes just because a child broke a bone or got bruised just being a kid. If you have a 2- or 3-year-old without bruised legs, skinned knees, and black eyes, you obviously did not let the kid act like a kid does, uncontrollable. While family and child care officials are going to hospitals searching for hurt children, other children are dying by being left in cars by unfit parents. If you want to find a bad parent, all you have to do is go to the grocery stores or the liquor stores, and look for children that have been left in the parent’s cars. This is a direct sign that the parent does not care for the well-being of his or her child. I have never and will never leave my children unattended in a vehicle for even a second. The courts and the system have long failed our children. Children involved in divorces are repeatedly given to the least loving of the two parents, just because a certain law says it must be done that way. I would rather have a child be with a poor, loving mother than a rich, careless father and vice-versa.

Anyone involved in real estate is a jackass. Look out: sellers, agents, brokers, and financiers are all after you. There are many things you need to know before buying a home. Whether new or used, they all have problems. I will go over a few of those problems, and I hope they help you in some way.

Whether you are buying a new home or a used home, the most important thing you can do is to see this home during a rainstorm. It may be a pain in the butt, but the regrets you will save are well worth it. I found out the hard way that drainage is one of the biggest problems a homeowner will ever face. Rainwater has a way of finding its way downhill; it goes around, through, or over whatever it sees fit to find its way to the lowest point in any area. Water will destroy a home, the yard, and anything in its path; it will even dig trenches and make canyons in your property. I, along with my neighbors, found this out the hard way, as we were outside in torrential downpours, clearing paths for water to run down drains and through our yards. My next-door neighbor has the beginnings of another Grand Canyon starting in her yard. I was lucky; I only have to get my ark out when it rains to get through my yard.

You need to go through the house yourself to inspect insulation, check for curved walls, make sure they put all the wood siding on the house (not just insulation board over studs), and numerous other screw ups before you actually sign any papers. If you are building a new home, you need to inspect it regularly for mistakes. I went every few days, and I missed a great deal of mistakes that did not turn up until years later. In new homes, you want to make sure they put all the electrical outlets in, all the outdoor lighting is correct, and that you have running water and plumbing that lead to the outdoor faucets. Make sure the house plans do not change as you go along. My builder tried to give me sheet-rocked walls, when I was supposed to get spindle railings on the stairs. I was supposed to get three large radius windows put in the back wall of my home, and the framers completely missed it. These kinds of problems are a much easier to fix if you catch them early. Make sure your builder does not bury scraps in your yard, or you will have mystery holes the size of automobiles appearing in your landscape. Also make sure (unless you want a red brick lawn) that your builder does not scrape all your topsoil off the ground and sell it.

In older homes, you need to inspect for termites, roaches, and ant trails that may lead to problems later on. Check all the crawl spaces for any signs of damage and for leakage of any kind on walls and framework. Check the gutters for clogging and overfilling because overfilled gutter water usually finds its way into the walls and roofs of older homes.

First and foremost, you need to get your credit reports from all three bureaus. Correct all the errors that will be there. You will need to research financing options and rates with several lenders before you sign anything. It is amazing what one percentage point can do to your total loan payback over thirty years.

You need to research area prices for the same types of homes, for new and used homes. A home less than ten miles away from mine and built by the same builder is over 50 percent higher. Both homes were built in similar subdivisions. If you have never owned a home, you need to go to a football stadium and run up and down the bleachers one-hundred times before you make this decision. Buy a ranch home. Stairs only look good on television and are fine if you never do work around the home or never have to move furniture yourself. Stairs will kill your children. Stairs will kill your grandparents or other people who get drunk at your home. Then we will have to write a chapter on liability insurance fraud. Do yourself a great favor and think long and hard about having stairs in the home. I regret this every day of my life. I am a young man and hate having to go up and down the stairs five times to get tools to fix a door or anything else.

Home repair and improvement contractors are jackasses. You need to start saving the day you move into your home for the inevitable repairs! I made the mistake of being able to build a home inside and out myself. I unwittingly thought my home repair skills were an asset when we moved in. Boy, was I wrong. Whether your home is new or used, after five years, you will have to have things repaired or upgraded. Hopefully, you do not have to pay the outrageous prices to have someone repair anything for you. If you do, you need to shop around; you will be amazed at the different prices you will get from different companies doing the same job. Home repairs are not like auto body repair rates, which are regulated and dictated by computer programs. Any person with a truck and a ladder can call himself a handyman and knock on your door. You need to make sure the person is insured and bonded before letting them touch your home. There is nothing better than having someone falling off your roof and breaking a bone to get this life lesson.

As for my home, my wife has painted some rooms five times in the six years we have lived there. We bought our home brand new, and I think we have already rebuilt it at least one time on our own. It would have been cheaper to tear it down and start over. We have remodeled floors, decks, fences, walls, cabinets, fixtures, and everything else in our home. I hope your spouse is house-stupid when it comes to decorating. Do not let your spouse watch any home improvement shows on television, or your “honey-do” list will never end. I have twenty projects yet to be finished because the new projects keep overlapping the old ones.

Jackasses control your computer. One thing I want you to know about computers is that computers do not make mistakes. Do not blame your computer every time you lose a file. Computers only do what they are told. The failure may not have been your fault, but it definitely was the fault of some human. A human programs every function a computer does; therefore, any malfunction (aside from complete shut down) was a screw-up by some human along the line. Any normal American will never master a computer. We slug along hoping we will not cause catastrophic failure in the system and hope our hours of hard work do not disappear.

Using chat rooms and message boards is a major sign that you need to get something better to fill up your time. Unless you work on computers all the time in your business, I suggest you stay away from these areas. It will only be a matter of time before someone is after you for child molestation or something stupid like that. Mr. Michael Jackson, the singer, probably used these to coerce children. If you want to talk to people, get a phone. Everyone I know can run that hole in their face a lot faster than anyone can type.

Pop-up ads and porn sites will eventually destroy the Internet. Do not push your porn sites on me. I know where to get my porn. I’m a man; I understand porn. Men are drawn to women they cannot have or will never get. Porn shows a man what his life will never be, except for that night where he drank too many tequila shots with his cousin. Porn sites pop up now while you are surfing innocent sites for real information. As Neal Boortz said, “Do not look for ‘leather whip’,” or you will have to shut your computer down to stop the pop-up porn sites. Just like telemarketing, there is a reason for the pop-up ads; somebody keeps responding to them. If all you have time to do is use message boards and chat rooms, you need to get a life, or at least a dog.

So-called friends are jackasses. You want to know who your friends are? Tell somebody you are moving and see how fast your friends suddenly have to go out of town or become busy. Friends have a funny way of loving you while you are having a cookout with plenty of food and booze. I have several friends, but they never come around because I am always working on my “honey-do list.” I have helped every one of my friends and relatives move their crap from their homes several times. When I moved into our home, I had my wife, a female friend, and myself moving an entire home. It was just hilarious watching us move large furniture, heavy boxes, washer/dryer, and televisions. All I can do is laugh, just thinking how stupid we looked struggling with all the heavy items. One hernia and two hysterectomies later, we got everything moved in. We still have not unpacked everything. Unpacking just keeps getting pushed further down my “honey-do” list.

Neighbors are jackasses. I want to kill your dogs for barking. How many times does your dog have to be run over by an automobile, before you put it in a pen or a fence in your damn yard? Who told you to feed the stray cats? Now I have to open the hood to my vehicle every morning when it is cold outside, so that I do not make cat puree before I go to work. What a hassle. Cut down your damn trees so they stop falling on my fence. Why do you let your three-year-old kids play in the street unsupervised? Did you not see Pet Sematary? Children are not as replaceable as dogs are, idiot!

Enemies are jackasses. You know the type; there is always someone who loves to start a fight (usually about nothing). It takes a man to walk away from some jackass trying to get under your skin. You have to be able to walk away, even if the other person is wrong. I know people who have been fighting for years over nothing because both of them are too full of stupid pride to walk away, and let the other person win. Learn how to stand up for yourself by walking away, and you will be a lot happier in the long run.

Drivers are jackasses. People cannot drive without any distractions, much less when they are eating or talking on the cell phone. There is no excuse for the number of accidents that have been caused by such things. If you cannot walk and chew gum at the same time, what makes you think you can drive and talk on a damn cell phone. Pull over and talk if you cannot pay attention to your driving. Do not put on your makeup (especially the eyeliner), while you are driving.

Just a note to you ignorant drivers who think higher-octane gasoline is cleaner; it is not! All gasoline is regulated and is just as clean as any others. Higher octane ratings are only needed in high performance, high compression engines. If you want to be sure to get good gasoline, go to a station that sells a lot of gas, this will lessen the chance that you will get water or contamination in the fuel. Why do people try so damn hard to get the fuel pump to stop on the exact dollar amount? People try to stop the pump on exactly $10 and then go in the store and buy something (ruining the only reason for stopping the pump on the exact dollar amount, to keep from waiting on change). Is this some kind of game of skill people like to play?

There are too many cars on the road for ignorant drivers to be out adding to the pure hell of everyday driving. Think back to when you almost failed the written part of the driving test, and figure out what you did not know. I cannot stand drivers who try to stop in the road when a traffic light is flashing yellow. A flashing yellow traffic light means slow down and proceed with caution, it does not mean stop. A flashing red light means stop and go like a stop sign. Also, when the traffic light is out due to power failure, you treat it like a four-way stop. Drivers need to learn how to let off the accelerator before you come to a stop. You will be amazed how much longer your vehicle will last if you quit abusing it. Do not accelerate all the way to a stop sign, slam on the brakes, and then start off like you are in a race. You are the people who complain when their brakes are worn out between every ten- to fifteen-thousand miles.

Road rage is pure stupidity. What is the point of getting mad while you are driving? In this day and age, you are going to get killed one day when you shoot that bird or honk your horn at the wrong idiot. You will just be another death statistic on our highways. Keep your gestures to yourself; keep your mouth shut, and lay off the horn. You need to learn how to be a defensive driver, not an offensive driver. You can usually tell the poor drivers on the road; they are the ones who drive around in beat-up cars that have not been repaired. This shows me they are not staying out of the way of other drivers.

Drivers need to learn how to drive all over again. I know that parking test you took to get your license really showed you how to drive, but you need to think about your driving skills and really think if you are doing it properly. I do not know who taught you how to drive, but people who change lanes rapidly over and over do not get anywhere, and any quicker than the rest of us Sunday drivers who stay in one lane and maintain a constant speed. Look around next time you are driving ten to twenty miles into town. The same jackasses you see jumping all over the road will get there about the same time as everyone else. There is a reason highways get clogged up at the entrance ramps and exit ramps. People will not take a gap or give a gap. This is one of the most basic driving skills. Jackasses think an extra twelve feet is going to make them late for work. There is no reason why you cannot let someone get onto the highway. You need to share the highway with everyone else on the road. Common courtesy is a thing of the past.

Drivers need to learn to give truckers the road and stay out of the way. Drivers need to understand that tractor-trailers weigh up to 80,000 pounds. You are flirting with death with a forty-ton monster that will kill you and not even know it. Truck drivers can hit you and run you off the road and never even feel it. Records have shown that truckers are a lot safer drivers than the average vehicle driver on the road. Truck drivers are at least given on the road testing, while regular drivers only have to show they can park a car and drive twenty feet.

Jackasses are everywhere when it comes to your health. Some people say they are as “healthy as an ox,” yeah, they smell like one too! Everyone is an expert when it comes to fitness and general health. Someone has a scam waiting for you every time you read a magazine, watch television, or even read newspapers. Just think if you just try our new horny rabbit inbred goat root you will suddenly become a stallion in bed, your baldness will go away, and you will lose those love handles all within one week.

Exercise machine peddlers are jackasses. There are hundreds of companies peddling the newest exercise gadget on the market. These items mostly do not work, and the ones that do are not used by the people who purchase them. My Soloflex workout machine was one really expensive clothes hanging rack. Stop throwing your money away, and use what is around you to help you exercise. The best exercises in the world are found in the Charles Atlas books that show people how to exercise with household items. The hardest push-ups in the world are performed using three kitchen chairs. People need to exercise in any way, shape, or form that they can. People today have so many things going on in their lives that they cannot stop for thirty minutes to an hour for structured exercise. Do what you can. Take stairs instead of using elevators or escalators. Do a couple of push-ups while your hair is drying. Walk every chance you get. Do not try to structure an exercise plan if you have young children because children do not follow a schedule. The best exercise in the world is to take a child outside or to the park and chase them around for a while. You will get exhausted, and the child will still be pulling you to come on.

Weight loss plan pushers are jackasses. Everyone has the best weight loss plan, until you try it. Everyone has a better diet. Do not eat meat. Do not eat bread or pasta. Do not eat sugar. Who can follow a diet like these? I can assure you no diet will work if you have to cut out 100 percent of the things you love. I will let you in on the secret two ingredients you need to lose weight (just send $19.95 plus $29.95 shipping to…). If you look at every single weight loss drink, pill, fountain of youth, or whatever, they will all contain one or both of these: chromium and ginseng. Look at the ingredients, and you will see I am not blowing smoke. To lose weight you need to go to a Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart, Target, or the like and buy a bottle of chromium picolinate. Chromium is what helps you lose weight and is a fraction of the cost if you buy it by itself. At Sam’s Club, a bottle of chromium with 500 pills will cost you $8. Take two pills a day, and you will start to notice results within a month. This is the same diet ingredient as the expensive brands but without the fluffy ingredients to drive up the cost. Ginseng on the other hand will give you energy, which can relate to helping you lose weight (and a hardererection, if you are a man). Same plan with the ginseng, buy it by itself at Sam’s Club or Wal-Mart. At Sam’s Club, the bottle of ginseng is around $9. Good luck, lardass.

Overweight people are jackasses. Going hand in hand with your weight loss is the fifty jelly doughnuts you jam down your throat on a daily basis. Your eating habits and weight is your responsibility. Do not try to blame anyone or anything. Aside from a very few health disorders, being overweight is due to too much intake of food and not enough exercise. You can start helping yourself by drinking diet sodas. If you cannot stand the taste of it, shut up and keep drinking it, you will get used to it. After you drink diet soda for a few weeks, you will not like the taste of regular sodas. Your taste buds will get off the sugar kick. Drinking diet soda will not fix your problems, but it is a start. You need to learn how to eat zero calorie foods. A zero calorie food is one that takes more calories to eat than it puts in your body. Celery, carrots, cabbage, and things like this are foods that help you lose weight. Salsa is one of the best foods. Stay away from fattening items like dressings, jams, jellies, mayonnaise, etc., that destroy all the good things the good foods are doing. Maybe I will write a full diet book later that people can actually follow. The main goal is to keep trying. If you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off, and get back on. Stick to a diet consisting of vegetables, meat in moderation, diet sodas, and no sweets, and you will lose weight. Throw in a little exercise, and you will be on your way.

Self-abusers are jackasses. I am one of the jackasses too. If you drink beer, liquor, wine, smoke cigarettes, do drugs, or do other harmful things to your body, you are a jackass. Alcohol will destroy your liver, kill your brain cells, get you punched in the face at a bar, make you beat your spouse, make you wreck your car, and probably will get you killed if you do it outside the home without a designated driver. Be careful. I do drink too much, but I always drink at home unless my designated wife is driving and not drinking. I have driven while intoxicated and was very lucky I did not get killed or arrested. I do not know about you, but driving using the one eye method to keep the lines from splitting is a hassle. I stopped getting behind the wheel after drinking over a decade ago and am really glad I did.

Cigarette smoking will kill you. Hopefully, only the idiots going after the tobacco companies are the only people dumb enough to not know this. How you could smoke and not know it will harm you is beyond me. You need to stop as soon as you can because the sooner you stop the sooner your body can try to repair the harm you have caused. How can you blame someone else for your stupidity? There are many new items on the market that will help. Hopefully, the insurance companies will start to help pay for these stop-smoking aids. The insurance companies are ignorant as to the costs I guess because they gladly pay for you to go to the doctor several times a year for bronchitis, but they will not pay for any aid to help you quit smoking. It seems they would try to save money. This new shot they have out now is supposed to be a miracle cure, but it costs $500. Most people cannot afford this at one time. Sure, it is cheaper in the long-run, but it is not affordable for most people at this time. Zyban helps, but your insurance will not cover it either, unless your doctor will write it up as Wellbutrin. Same drug, only Wellbutrin is written up for depression. Patches and gums help, but are the least helpful. From what I have experienced, the habit side of smoking (the use of hands, mouth, etc.,) is the hardest problem with quitting smoking. The main thing is to keep trying to quit because eventually you will. Either you will quit on your own, or you will quit when you die. Your choice.

Sex therapists and sex peddlers are jackasses. It will make you go blind. Why is a man who reads Playboy a pervert and a woman with a vibrator is just relieving tension? I do not understand the bias. Nudity and sex are getting more prevalent in the media, so be prepared to hide this from your children. Women are completely nude in everyday magazines, except for a little body paint. Entertainers seem to pose nude when their popularity goes down. Everyone tries to ban pornography, while the everyday media gets deeper into the nudity issue. I do not care if you want porno. If you like porno and nudity, that is fine; I think being a free American should allow you to look at this type of material if you choose (as long as minors are not involved). Why do some people get so bent out of shape over nudity? Get a damn life. Go complain about the violence in “Roadrunner” cartoons or something.

Sex is a great thing. Just try to have it regularly when you have young children. By the time you get everyone to bed, the house cleaned, and other work done, you are just too tired to care about sex. Single people say “Man, I could have sex every day,” That’s bull; they obviously have never been married. Sex becomes a chore over time, and the best thing you can do is to try and keep it interesting. Buy some sex toys so your children or in-laws will find them. Do it in different places and be willing to experiment. Nothing is better than having guests over for dinner, knowing you just had sex on the dinner table the night before. Nothing makes sex more exciting than when you are at the doctor having something removed from one of your orifices. Wear a wig; everyone would like to get some “strange” every once and a while.

Sex is great until you find out the hard way a child is on the way, and then it becomes the evil conception. Just a word to the wise, condoms do not fail. You do. If you put a condom on correctly, the chances of it failing are slim to none, unless the woman is not ready. If the woman was not ready, you failed as a man anyway and deserve to have a little reminder of your stupidity. If you cannot put on a condom and pinch the air out of the end, then you need to just keep beating off. Remember dumb people have dumb kids.
Homophobes are jackasses. Those who are afraid of homosexuals need to take a look at their own issues. All I hear is people saying they do not like television shows like Will and Grace or any other television show with homosexuals. Shut up, and get a life. If you cannot get past the homosexual part and enjoy a funny show, you are just immature. I do not care what people do with their lives, I am too busy living mine. The uproar over legalizing marriage in Massachusetts was ridiculous. Who cares? Homosexuals or lesbians getting married will not affect my wife, my children, me, or my life in any way. Find something better to do with your life than to cry about issues such as these.

Good Luck!

Bear Brooks

Author of “A Jackass at Every Turn”

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Reviewed by Gwendolyn Thomas Gath 8/10/2007
I totally enjoyed reading this extensive write, however it was worth it! You have certainly said a mouth full with this penning...and I have surely found it to be true. Futhermore, it was entertaining throughout causing many a chuckle on my part.

Great~take care,

Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 4/18/2007
Bear, you tell it like it is. WHOA! WOW!! Hardhitting look at how Americans act and think; you've opened up my eyes! Very well done, bravo!! I applaud your courage in posting this!

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