After Kayelyn daughters Allie was shot, by her own Father. Kayeln felt guilty about this, had no idea that her ex could have such hatred in him that he would shoot their daughter this man was insane, and Kaylen hadn’t been able to save Allie from the pain.
“Mom are things ever going to change?” Sixteen year old Allie made her way into the house, her Mother looked at her, remembering the days in the hospital when she had worried her daughter was going to die. The fact that she was alive and talking to her was a testament to her daughters strength, a strength that Kayeln thanked God for everyday.
“What do you mean sweetie?” Kayelyn asked her daughter, Knowing what she meant, Kayelyn was tired of being left out of the high school life, because she was different. She couldn’t walk, and that seemed to relegate her to having no life outside of school.
“I am just so sick of not having a life.” Allie said, giving her that look reminded her of herself at sixteen, but Allie had bigger concerns than she did, Kayleyn never had to face life in a wheelchair she had never been shot by her own father.
How could I ever love a man who would hurt our daughter? Kayelyn asked herself over and over again. She would never stop beating herself up over the fact that she had fallen in love with a monster. How could she have fallen in love with a man like Stanley!
“Honey they just don’t understand. They don’t know what you’ve been through.”
“Should that matter Mom? I mean I do not want pity, I just want to be involved in a normal high school life. I have less than two years left of high school, and everyone avoids me like I have the plague. Since when is being paralyzed catching?”
As always Allie brought up a valid point. Sometimes she was just amazed at how fast her daughter was growing up, but being shot when she was thirteen by her Father, had given her a maturity most sixteen year olds didn’t have. Kayelyn was proud of her daughter for being so strong, but she hated the fact that her little girl had to suffer.
“No of course it shouldn’t Allie. I wish I could help you. It’s might fault this happened to you.” Kayelyn soon found herself fighting back tears.
“No Mom it’s not your fault. Stanley was the monster, not you. I know that if you knew he was capable of hurting me in anyway, you wouldn’t have let him around me.”
Allie was right, but shouldn’t I mother feel when something was wrong, shouldn’t she know when her daughter was hurting. Shouldn’t she know when something was not right?
“Mom I don’t blame you for what happened, but you can’t seem to stop blaming yourself. You’ve been there for me through all of this. I love you Mom, I hate to see you beating yourself up like this.”
Again her daughter was sounding older than her sixteen years, but her daughters love for her was real. She was thankful Allie didn’t blame her for what happened, but if she had, Kayeln would have understood.
“I know you don’t honey, and I am still amazed by that. I feel like I was a bad Mother.”
“Mother you’ve never in my life been a bad Mother.” Allie said.
“I wish I could believe that.” Kayeln said softly.
“The Lord doesn’t want you beating yourself up over this. We’ve been praying about that a lot.”
“I know we have honey, but I am still struggling.”
It amazed Kaylen how quickly Allie could forget her troubles, to bring comfort to her Mother. She could never understood how her daughter was so strong, but Allie said it was her face, and Kayeln was inclined to believe her. She was grateful that her daughter was strong in faith, Kayeln knew it was what helped Allie through.
Lord I know Allie doesn’t blame me for this, but I can’t stop blaming myself. My daughter was shot by her own father! How can one person have so much hate in him? I could never understand that Lord, never understand how a man could try to kill his own daughter, and I truly believe he was trying to kill her. Why else would he shoot her?
“Mom I hate when you do this to yourself, beat yourself up over something you had no control over.”
“I should have known something wasn’t right honey. If I hadn’t let you go to your Fathers, you wouldn’t be struggling the way you do, facing life in a wheelchair.”
“Mom he never gave anyone any indications of being unstable, we really don’t know what went on his head that day, and we never will know probably, he turned the gun on himself after he shot me.”
Kayelyn hated seeing her daughter shuttering at the memory of being shot, and then watching her Father kill himself, it should have never happened, but it did, and Kayeln could not stop feeling guilty about it.
“Mom just because I am in a wheelchair doesn’t mean I think my life is over. I am still the same person I was before the accident, for the most part, but it has taught me to look at things differently, and to cherish life more.”
Kayelyn could remember the early days after Allie was shot being afraid that this was going to take her daughters independence away from her, but Allie had proved that she was not about to let the fact she was in a wheelchair now slow her down much. She got frustrated sometimes, even now three years later, especially when the other kids at her high school acted as if they were afraid to ask her to be involved in everything, but that didn’t stop her from being active in the youth group, it hadn’t stopped her from getting her license, or doing most of the things other sixteen year olds did. Why couldn’t everyone just see beyond the fact she couldn’t walk?
“Allie how did you get so wise?” Kayeln asked her daughter.
“The good Lord.” Allie said truthfully. Kayeln just smiled at her daughter, realizing how quickly she was growing up. Kayelyn still had trouble her little girl was sixteen, and would be graduating from high school in just under two years. Kayelyn knew that time would move fast, the way the first sixteen years of her daughters life had.
“I love you Allie.”
“I love you too Mom.”
Kayelyn and Allie had moved to Somerset after her daughter had been shot, and was released from the hospital. Allie didn’t need to be around the memories, that Woodrow brought her, the memories of a Father first shooting her, than killing himself. Of course they could never fully get away from the memories, Allie would always carry the scars, and Kayelyn would continue to beat herself up over something that she had no control over, as Allie so often reminded her. It amazed Kayeln how Allie could not be angry with her Mother? But Allie wasn’t she told her Mother so over and over again.
Allie was a strong young woman and Kayelyn was thankful for that, if her daughter had been anything less than strong she might not have made it bit Allie was strong, stronger than Kayelyn could have ever been , and she thanked God everyday for that fact.
“Mom are you okay?” Allie asked, seeing the look on her Mothers face, but her Mother was okay, she was just thinking about all the time that had past, thinking about how quickly her little girl was turning into a woman.
“I’m fine honey, just thinking.”
“Okay Mom, but remember what I told you, I do not want you to keep beating yourself up over what happened.”
Allie could read her Mother to well, and she knew her Mother was thinking about what happened again, thinking about the fact that her little girl had been shot, and then watched her Father shoot himself, his blood mingling on hers, in the front room of his Woodrow Condo. Allie didn’t blame her Mom for what had happened, her Dad had done it, but she could not stay hating her Dad either, what good did it do to hate a dead man? Something had not been right with him, Allie was sure that if her Father had been stable he would not have done it.
“I’m trying sweetie, I am really trying.”
“Okay Mom.” Allie said. Wishing that her Mother really would stop beating herself up. She did not want her Mother to spend the rest of her life, making herself more and more stressed over something she could not help, besides Kayelyn was a good Mother, she did everything she could for Allie, and her daughter wasn’t to blind to see that. Allie was appreciative of what her Mother did for her, of the love her Mother gave her. She knew when it came to Mothers she had been blessed with one of the best.
Allie was still having trouble getting other kids at school to understand that she only wanted to be treated like she was a normal sixteen year old. She wanted the chance to be involved in activities with friends outside of school. Her Mom was great, but even her Mom knew Allie needed a social life. Allie did not like feeling like the odd man out, and Kayeln didn’t like her daughter feeling that way either.
“Honey are things any better at school?” Kayelyn asked almost afraid to ask, she did not want to hurt her daughter with needless questions , Allie had enough pain without her Mom adding to it, but Kayelyn could not stop worrying about her daughter, no more than she could take what happened to her daughter back. If she could Kayelyn would have in a minute.
“My grades are fine Mom.” Allie offered. “But Kayelyn knew that her daughters grades were fine, that was not what she was worried about, she was worried about whether or not the kids were still treating her as if she had the plaque.
“Honey I know your grades are fine, I am talking about friendships, are the kids still avoiding you?”
Kayelyn could see from the look on her daughters face, that things really were not better in the friendship department. Her daughter was hurting again, and once again Kayelyn sat back and had to helpless watch as her daughter was facing loneliness, facing the pain she should never had to feel. Kayelyn would have done anything to ease her daughters pain, but she couldn’t instead she had to try and give her daughter the comfort she needed. It was hard though not knowing how to help her daughter.
“I wish they would understand that I am not a piece of glass.” Kayelyn said. ‘They just don’t understand that I am not going to break.”
Kayelyn wanted to promise her daughter that everything was going to be all right that they would get to know her and see just how wrong they were , when they wouldn’t even give Allie the chance to prove herself. Kayelyn could not give her daughter false hope no matter how much she wanted to assure Allie that everything was going to turn out fine, all she could do was pray that Allie’s classmates would get to see her daughter for who she was and not judge her because she happened to use a wheelchair. It just was not fair for them to judge Allie in that way.
“Honey I really don’t know what to say, I am afraid that I can’t say anything or do anything that will change how they act around you, but I can pray. I am thankful that we have that because that is the most important thing, our personal relationship with the Lord.”
“I know Mom and I do find comfort in that, but I do not like being looked at as if I am somehow less than others, because I happen to be sitting down, its as if after I became paralyzed I suddenly became less of a person in the eyes of my peers.”
“You know that’s not true right?” Kayelyn asked Allie.
“Of course I know its not Mom, we are all made in God’s image, I am no different, but the world doesn’t see me that way. I know I should not think of the world, but Mom I want friends.”
“Allie that’s completely understandable.”
“I wish they’d see me for me, and not look at the wheelchair.”
“I know honey, and I am sorry this ever happened.”
“I know you are Mom, but as I have told you I don’t blame you but I love you.”
“I love you too Allie.”