I will be honest I cry, some times I cry myself to sleep. It has been since 2001 since I let go of him. It feels like I am mourning like he died. I love him it hurts a lot at times. When I cry I let myself feel my feelings, I believe if I pretend I do not feel certain losses then I am hiding and it will only take me over. I need to let the feelings out in healthy ways. I give it to God, and I go on with my life. I am human, I have feelings I believe we need to express our feelings we just should not dwell in them.
Feelings are feelings, but they do not need to take power over us. I give my son to God. I surrendered. I have no power over this situation. God can and will take care of him. I know I cannot help. I have tried all I can to show love and let him know I love him. I know God’s love can help him. As I have mentioned before I cannot make anyone love me, or forgive me, not even my child. All I can do is be a person who can give forgiveness and love, and at the same time I cannot let anyone walk over me. I cannot let others have power over me. It has not been the easiest road for me; I made it difficult because of my lack of trust in not accepting the Love of God. I feel freer than I have ever felt this is all due to my trust and belief in God.
Children are a gift that has been given to us from God we are here to take care of them and do the best we can. They have free will and sometimes the best way to love is just letting go and loving from a far. In my case I had to. I have always wanted a child and the part that hurts me the most is I drank him out of my life. I am living with the consequences of my actions. At the same time my son has an anger problem that has taken him over. I did not let go for my sake only, but for his sake. I had to let go because it would have destroyed him. His anger turned into poison. He was turning into a totally different person. He needed help and the more I tried to help the more intense his anger became.
I did not want to be a victim in the newspapers. I love him I always will, but he has to learn how to live, some of us have to make our own mistakes I did. I know God is with him and so I am letting God do His work. I know there will be a day when I won’t have to give my son to God everyday because I know he is with God. I won’t have to remind myself to give him to God. For now I do because it helps me. As I grow I believe letting go will be done I don’t have to remind God. I do this to remind myself. God hears us. God is part of us as I believe and in that case I do not have to keep repeating it to Him. In the mean time I feel comfortable this way.
June 2003 I received a letter from court welfare that they opened the case. They closed it for a year, said I did not owe money now they re-opened it and I owe child support. They have ordered my son to live with my mother. He is being abused and I am paying welfare. I feel like I am paying for him to be abused. I am not able to just sit and watch this happen. I believe there is a difference in letting go when you cannot help but I do not believe in just letting someone get abused. I lived that hell and I cannot just sit and watch my son go though that. Yes he chose to live with her. She is mentally abusive. I do not have any proof of physical or sexual abuse. Although I do know my mother and I know what she is capable of doing.
I have been in a deep depression. I stopped writing and almost gave up on this book. I am not giving up. I am going to spread this message and hope that other children do not end up like my son or I did. I have written letters to the courts and welfare. I also have written letters to the Governor, Mr Bush, Newspapers, talk shows, etc. I am not going to just watch the court system try to take money and let our children get abused. I cannot change it alone but we can.
I have gotten a group together and we sent letters to get this message out to plant a seed. For years and years abuse has been taboo. People do not want to talk about it and express their feelings. I know because I did not want to talk about what happened to me. The danger in hiding and not talking about it is those who have been abused feel like they’re abnormal and do not belong, some commit suicide. I do not want to see another child be abused. Yes, I know it has been going on for years and years. It will continue to go on for years and years because people go on their own will and do not care about others. They push the love of God away, do not act on the positive, they act on their pride, ego and anger. I feel that is why we have rape, incest, domestic violence and so fourth. It makes me so furious how an adult can take and rob an innocent child like that.
Update June of 2010
I have been notified that chld support payments are over.
It is a relief my son now is 22 years old I still have not seen him
I am leaving him in God's hands.
I know if we are to meet again it will happen.
God knows what is best.
As for my adoptive mother, I would have rather have had a mother who cared and wanted the best for me not my death. I would like my mother to learn how to love herself so she can experience loving others. I cannot be a doormat anymore so I have to stay away from her. It is none of my business what she does because I have given her to God. I realize we cannot choose our families but we can choose our friends. At the same time, I think we do choose our families as an experience in this life. I am not sure, but I am sure of one thing, I am loved by God. God loves us all. I realize more and more that nothing matters of what I have done or what was done to me. Because God is within all of us, in the end we will all be one with God. We will understand why we experienced what we did and why we chose the things we did. I realize more and more that God was there when I was a child. I just was unable to see and feel the love. God can and does give us the love that we feel we have missed out on. We just have to be open to see and feel the Love.
My friend “Earth Angel” has spread her love. Earth Angel you are a shining example of God’s love. You have proven the doctors wrong, you have lived past the six months, and it has been about eleven months now. I am blessed to know you. Soon you will receive your Emmy for living life. Now you can relax and go with God and be one. I heard someone say, “It is not how we die, it is how we live. There is no death, we go on to another experience.” Earth Angel you have shown me how to live and you’re showing me how to pass on to another experience.
I will be sad when you pass over, that is my humanness, my selfishness and I will miss you. At the same time I am joyful to know you, and know you will be at home and at peace. I do know that you Earth Angel, will be in peace, you will be smiling over me and be my Angel in my pocket. You have always told me to put you in my pocket when I am hurting and you will walk with me. Earth Angel you will always be in my heart. I love you.
As I am writing this last paragraph, it is July 21, 2001. I received news that my Earth Angel has received her Emmy and gone home. She is now one with God. At the time of her passing, about 2:30 AM, I experienced her coming to me in a dream. I talked to her, she told me she loved me and she was ok. I told her that I love her. I will miss her. I know she is only a thought away.
As for my dog, Angel He is my angel dog. He gives me unconditional love. I never had a dog and now I have a special one.
Update June 2010
Angel passed away he was 14 years old
he had heart problems, seizures and could not walk well or eat.
My husband Phil is doing well. He has shown me a love I have never had. He loves me for me and lets me be myself. Phil, here is something I wrote in the year 2002 for you. I would like to share with you and everyone who reads this.
Phil, you have not only been my friend, my partner.and my lover; You have been my teacher. Since the day we met my whole life has changed. You have shown me what a true friend is. You have shown me through your actions what a gentleman really is. With your Love you have helped me Love. God gave you a gift. You are using that gift with every one you touch, through your actions and through your words. I watch you. I see your actions. I hear your words. I see the God in you working through you. You have gone through a lot in life.
You have seen a lot in life. Because of what you have been though in your life, you are an example to many people. You changed the negatives in your life to positives. You taught me to be positive. You showed me that life is what I make it. You have loved me, for me. You have let me make mistakes with out judging me. You have been strong when I was weak. You have been with me through thick and thin. You were there when I was not. You have helped me become the lady I have always wanted to be You truly are my best friend and my lover. You are a gift from God. You are one of my teachers.
I thank God for you being in my life. We’re blessed;
Phil, you are a gift from God.
I love you Phil.
God has loved me until I could love myself. God has sent me Angels to walk with me, to carry me to pick me up when I am down and to send me Love. I have seen God’s Love through people such as my Earth Angel I wrote about, and my husband Phil. Nancy and Conrad you have been with me loving me until I could love myself, you still are loving me. I thank God for you two in my life.
I see God in nature, animals. I see God with in everything. All I have to do is look around and I see God. Look in the mirror, there is God within you. Smell the flowers, feel the sun, then you feel God’s warmth upon you. Hear the music of God, see the dance of God, let yourself be loved. You deserve it. You do not have to earn it. You have it within. We are God’s children; we have His Love within us. Just be and let it come to you. Be yourself, enjoy being you. No one can take your place; you are a unique child of God. We are all His children and if we were to treat each other as if we were all connected then the world would be of Love. We are made from Love so lets express the love. God is all and let’s spread the love of God.
We all have love within us so let’s spread our love and talents with each other. Let’s re-create a new us. Each day is a new beginning all we have is this moment so enjoy it. It is all Love. Everyone is the place where God is, however I would rather choose to be the place where God shines through. And so it is.
A lot of things have been changing in my life. More acceptance and more experiences I have been going through. In March 26th 2004 I went to see a specialist. Because I was going through a lot of pain and was not waking well. I was in a wheel chair off and on. The Specialist let me ask questions and listened to me. He did say, I might have Lupus and he told me what tests to get.
In March 26th 2004 was when I was diagnosed with FMS, FMS is “Fibromyalgia” I already thought I had the symptoms from what other people who have FMS “Fibromyalgia” but now it is reality. I know it is FMS. Actually I feel relived now that I know I am not crazy. I have had pain for a long time. I just ignored it. I thought I was going nuts. I hurt all the time and it would trade places. I thought what the heck is going on. I cried all the time. It was depressing. I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and freaking out in my head thinking this is not real.
I did not have insurance and I thought the pain was from my weight because I am over weight. I also blamed my pain from being beaten for years from my ex husband. I left him in 1995, I believe it triggered FMS but I did not know what my pain was from for years until March of 2004.
In 1999 the pain got worse after having gallbladder surgery. It seemed my whole body became in much more pain. Each day I was feeling worse it seemed. I was put on state disability for one year in 1999 because of my knee. I was also on state disability in 1995 for my knees.
Now that I have a name for the pain I am relived to know it is not in my head. Many doctors do not believe in FMS. It is not easy to diagnose because there is not a blood tests for FMS. Many times people with FMS are put to the way side, doctors ignore us. Doctors have to believe what we say about the pain, but most don't. Doctors treat us as if were making it up we are not, we live with pain daily. That is why it is so hard for people with FMS. Family, friends and even some doctor’s do not believe that were in as much pain as we say we are.
In August 31, 2004 I was diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I was not surprised because I was told I might have lupus because of the symptoms I was having. FMS has similar symptoms as Lupus but FMS does not affect the kidneys and liver and Lupus can. I am fortunate that my liver and kidneys are good. I am now on medication for lupus.
With my experience living with FMS and now Lupus it seems that FMS and Lupus is just as sneaky as alcoholism is. It gets us when we least expect it. Some times the pain seems to go away then in the next minute or few or hours or days or months and I heard even years it can feel it went away but then it comes back in full force. Lupus is different in the way that it affects the immune system and FMS does not at least not that we know of.
I do not know how long I have had Lupus my doctor thinks I may have had it for years but he cannnot be sure. I still cannot be on my feet long,
I have changed my way of living. I have a hard time walking, I have periods of time I do walk but swimming is what I prefer. I swim in the evenings in the summer time when the sun is down because I cannot take the sun at all. Having Lupus I cannot be in the sun to long if I am I get real sick and it can cause a bad flair that can put me in the hospital.
I used to not care if I lived or died as I was growing up as you have read. Now I want to live and I want others to know they can live happy and healthy with any form of disease and those who have been abused we all can have a life no matter how our life was in the past we all can be happy and healthy it is up to us what we choose what we want to do in our life. All we can do is the best we can and keep a positive attitude.
Some days I can walk better than others. Some days I can do more than others. Some days I can’t do anything but lie down. I meditate. That really helps me feel better mentally and physically.
I am taking it a day at a time as I learned in the 12-step program with alcoholism and drug addiction. I now see what living in the moment means much more now. I enjoy the little things in life much more than before. I do a lot of talking with God. My way of praying is talking to God like I talk to people. I try to sit and be still to hear answers. Breath in and out to get through the pain when I am in flair ups.
Writing helps me to accept and deal with my emotions. Writing is a tool I use often. I know I am not alone. God is always with me, but some days it gets hard to accept what is happening and it is nice to share with friends who are going through similar things. We can love each other and share and put smiles on each other’s faces.
As of 2006 I have been off and on many different medications for Lupus. I am still not in remission. The miracle is that my attitude is changing because of God. I am not the disease of Lupus. I am the I AM of God. God is within me and I have to remember that all of the physical life is an illusion. When I remember that I can deal with my physical condition it is just part of my experience right now.
Another miracle in my life is I found my Birth mom on March 8th 2005
I am blessed from God. I started my search to find my birth mom in 1999 and in around 2001 I gave it to God saying to God “If it is for the highest good for her and I to find my birth mom let it be. I don’t want to interfere in her life.” I left it in God’s hands and now I have my mother in my life.
We met for the first time in March the 13th 2005.
I found out she is Sober since 1992. What a miracle we both are sober and in each others lives. My mom and I talk on the phone often in first year that I found her. I saw her 5 times. We continue to see each other when we can. Thank you God for my mom.
Update May of 2006 I was accepted to get on Social security disability so that has been a big help to have insurance since I am always seeing doctors and in and out of the hospital the last few years. I want to thank you for taking the time to read my journey through life. I was encouraged to write my story in book form many times. I almost gave up, but because of God and Phil and many others on the net I continued to write.
Update January 2010 I was told I am in remission from Lupus. For years I have been saying Affirmations sayings like
" I am whole and complete beautiful child of God."
As of July 2010 being able to walk and out of the wheel chair my husband Phil and I have been traveling. I have not traveled much in my life so this is a wonderful expreince for both of us.
I wish you the best in this journey called life and even more I wish you God,
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Denise Contreras