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The Secret Diary of Adrian Cat
By Stuart - - Macfarlane
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Rated "G" by the Author.
Extracts from "The Secret Diary of Adrian Cat" by stuart & Linda Macfarlane. Great adventure book for adults and teens.
Sunday March 2nd
Today I had an intellectual day - Snowball would be impressed (if we were speaking).
Wrote a poem entitled DesideCata. I am thinking of becoming a cat laureate!
Stroll placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in a long tranquil nap. As far as possible, without being in any way humble, be on good terms with all creatures – with the obvious exception of dogs. Meow your desires loudly and clearly and occasionally listen to others, even your human, for she may be calling you for dinner. Avoid the company of fleas, they are vexations to both spirit and body. Enjoy your achievements – particularly wallpaper lovingly scratched and pieces of string thoroughly chased. Keep interest in your career, there will always be a need for good mousers in the changing fortunes of time. Be yourself; especially do not feign affection – except when you need a warm lap to sleep on. Neither be cynical about the love of cream, for through your charmed and enchanted existence it is as perennial as the grass it comes from.Take kindly the council of the years and rejoice in the fact that you have nine lives. Nurture arrogance of spirit to shield you from sudden misfortune such as getting stuck up a tree. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born out of getting less than twenty hours sleep in a day. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself and groom yourself frequently. You are a cat of the universe, so much greater than humans and dogs; you have a right to be served. And even though you may sleep through most of it, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. With all its snacks, adventures and peaceful dreams, it is truly a beautiful world. Be content. Continue to be happy.
Thursday March 6th
(Anniversary of the Battle of Stirling Bridge - when the Scottish-Fold cat army thrashed the invading English Poodles.)
7:20 am Created my plan to be the first cat to climb Everest.Today : Climb the poplar tree in the garden.Tomorrow : Climb the biggest oak tree in the park.Next day : Climb the huge hill beyond the woods.Next, next day : Climb Everest - though if the journey takes more than a few hours I may need to postpone this to the next, next, next day.
11:20 pm I began my ascent of the poplar at 7:30 am precisely. I am obviously gifted with a natural talent for mountaineering for I reached the top in just four minutes. It appears that Everest would not be such a great challenge after all. The view from the top of the tree was exceptional - I could see right along the alley to the bins. There were two cats at the bins but from this height they looked just like mice. (Or they might have been mice that looked like cats looking like mice.) It was around 7:37 am that the whole mountain climbing idea took a nose dive, for it became apparent that although I was an outstanding climber I was absolutely useless at unclimbing. In other words I was STUCK. For the first hour I acted like a cat who was enjoying the view from the top of a high tree. For the next hour I acted like a cat who was tolerating the view from the top of a very high tree. After that I acted like a cat who was terrified of the view from the top of an extremely high tree. I meowed at the top of my voice, “Help! Help! Help!” Brutus stopped chasing his tail and laughed so hard that he peed all down his legs. Lucky appeared from under the hedge and Brat stopped crashing toy cars and began to giggle. Even Brat-2, who was in his pram looked up and blew bubbles in amusement. It seemed the whole world had turned up to enjoy my embarrassment. But no one did anything to help. I meowed again and again and again. At last Skirt come out of the house - she would know what to do.“Silly Pussy,” she said, “come down at once.”Well that was as useful as telling a decapitated mouse to avoid dining at mouse traps! My fear and my embarrassment fought with each other to decide what to do next. My fear won and I continued meowing at the top of my voice. Trousers came out of the house and neighboring humans stared from windows. “Addy up a tree,” said Brat helpfully.Trousers brought a stepladder and placed it by the tree. He climbed up but couldn’t reach me. Just when it looked like I would be stuck forever a big red fire engine arrived and, as the whole universe looked on, I was unceremoniously rescued.
11:55 pm I am curled up in my worry blanket while my dignity goes off on a long trip to purgatory. I am reconsidering my plans for I don’t know if they have a fire engine large enough to get me down from Everest. I may content myself with being the first cat ever to climb the poplar tree in my garden.
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