Become a Fan
Catch Me If You Can
By Katie Gabrielle
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
A week in the life of one "kool" kat...
OKAY, OKAY. So hang me. I killed the bird. For pity's sake, I'm a Cat.It's practically my job to go creeping round the garden after sweet little teensy-weensy birdy-pies that can hardly fly from one hedge to another. So what am I supposed to do when one of the poor feathery little flutterballs just about throws itself into my mouth? I mean, it practically landed on my paws. It could have hurt me.
Okay, Okay. So I mangled it. I emphasize. Is that any reason for Ellie to cry in my fur so hard I almost drown, and squeeze me so hard I almost choke?
'Oh Tuffy!,' She says, all sniffles and red eyes and piles of wet
tissues. 'Oh, Tuffy. How could you do that?' How could I do that? I'm a Cat! How did I know there was going to be such a giant great fuss, with Ellie's mother rushing off to fetch sheets of old newspaper, and Ellie's father filling a bucket with soapy water? Okay, okay. So maybe I shouldn't have dragged it in and left it on the carpet. And maybe the stains won't come out, ever.
So hang me.
I QUITE ENJOYED the little funeral. I don't think they really wanted me to come, but, after all, it's just as much my garden as theirs. In fact, I spend a whole lot more time in it than they do. I'm the only one in the family who uses it properly. Not that they're grateful. You ought to hear them.
"That cat is ruining my flower beds. There are hardly any of the petunias left."
"I'd barely planted the lobelias before it was lying on top of them,squashing them flat."
"I do wish it wouldn't dig holes in the anemones."
Moan, moan, moan, moan. I don't know why they bother to keep a cat,since all they ever seem to do is complain.
CARL IS MY OWNER and he sucks eggs. He sits on his lazy ass all day long collecting unemployment checks. Why doesn't he get a job! Yesterday, his wife left him for the mailman. She was a great cook, but the mailman had a better package. I'm lucky if he remembers to put my food out once a week. No wonder I am a killer cat. Yeah, he's home today, sitting on the front stoop drinking beer and talking to the neighbor about absolutely nothing. He has the brain of a flea. I am the brains and Carl is the butt end. Hey, I'm a Cat. Why the hell should I care?
I'M HUNGRY! Time to jump over this “electric fence” that Carl set up to prevent me from roaming into the night. That's a good one! My cat friends gather around and we take turns jumping over the fence while the ‘juice' is on. No one got zapped yet.
We like to laugh at Carl, the butthead.
Ah, I smell rabbit! It's down the street, so I'll take a flying
leap over this ‘electric fence'. There is a quarter moon tonight and I see a pair of headlights just ahead of me. I'll hurry and hide under this new red Mercedes.
The rabbit sees me now, stands up straight, and
freezes. I pounce but miss. Rabbit and I race round and round the block. She gives me a run for my money, but when she runs into the recycling bin.
Munch! Stupid critters.
ELLIE IS A SPOILED BRAT. I am sitting on the window seat and I am not moving. Carl loves to spoil his little daughter. He is reaching in the closet and bringing out yet another present for this little girl. Can't buy love? Carl does. Candy and presents.
Ellie is jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Surprise! Surprise! How many gifts is this brat going to get? Let's see, what is it this time? Malibu Barbie and Ken in their Malibu Mansion. How original. Barbie and Ken are now swimming in their Malibu pool, wearing their Malibu clothes, and jumping out of their Malibu windows. Let's play Godzilla. I'll be Godzilla and this is Tokyo.
I'll pounce on the Malibu Mansion and kidnap Malibu Barbie.
I call Malibu Ken and ask for a Malibu ransom.
Gee, Sorry Ken.
Not enough money.
Want fries with that?
OOPS! IT'S THE CAT POLICE! Wait, there's a knock on the door, quick, hide under the couch while I watch Carl sweat it out with the boys in blue.
"I have received several complaints about your cat roaming the streets at night and tearing up flower gardens and killing small animals. This is your third warning. We are going to have to take you cat.”
“ I paid over three grand for my brand spankin' new electric fence and it's working, I tell you, its working!"
“No, It isn't working. Just look at this petition all of
your neighbors have signed. They want your cat hung out to dry!"
Carl scratches his head.
"Do something, you stumphead!!.
Save me!! I don't want to be a witness at my own lynching!!"
"I still say it's a case of mistaken identity.”, Carl shouts to the Cat police.
"Mistaken identity?” answers the Cat police officer. Let's take a walk, around your back yard. And you don't have to shout, I am right here."
Carl and the Cat Police Officer walk out of the back door and into the yard. I follow closely but hide behind the kitchen curtains to watch. Mr Cat Police has found the evidence! He is in the middle of the yard where they discover freshly dug up earth. He digs up hampsters, rabbit remains, birds, mice, Malibu play money, bits and pieces of Malibu Barbie and Ken scattered all over the garden. ...It's not a pretty picture......
I hang my head in shame. I'm going up the river for sure.
My last meow.......
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU could have a cat lynching on a Sunday The whole neighborhood is out. Carl is crying!
I have never seen Carl cry before.
"Say something, you big dope! I don't want to die!!!"
"Carl didn't feed me. Look at him!! Why don't you lynch him? He is the one that led me to this life of crime!!!"
As I walk the last block of my short cat life to the noose on the Dutch Elm tree, suddenly I see a something good running down the street. I spring into action and chase after it. The whole neighborhood is chasing me.
Catch me if you can, I have nine lives!!
I'm one "hep" kat, baby!!!
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|Reviewed by Lois Christensen
|Yes indeedy I loved this one. Am an animal loveer and glad he got away. Must survive on their own if thy owner does not treat it right and feed it right. So enjoyable a write and glad I got to read it. Very hectic week for that cat.|
|Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
|Yep, he's one cool kittycat! Loved this one; very well done! :)
(((HUGS))) and much love, your Texas friend, Karen Lynn. :D