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My Personal Hell
By Shiloh Darke
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Rated "R" by the Author.
This is the story of something that happened to me. It wasn't a nice thing, but I came away from it stronger. And was given something that is very special to me because of it.
When I was 19, I was assaulted in a way that changed my life forever. A man broke into my house and raped me. It was the worst night of my life... And it lasted for over 6 hours. He tied me face down on my bed. He went through my underwear. He went through my clothes. He amused himself with my body, and he terrified me with this small, short, sharp knife. He used it to make various cuts on my arms, shoulders, hips, and legs. Nothing life threatening. Just painful and scary.
I remember feeling like I was going to die. He would leave the bedroom where I was prisoner and move through my house, breaking my china in the kitchen. Smashing pictures and posters in the livingroom. In essence, he made a point to let me know that for once in my life, I had NO CONTROL over what was happening to me. The breaking of my spirit didn't come from that, however. It came from seeing him kick my cat.
Penelope was a cat I had since I was about 17. (I still have her now) I'm 35. She was pregnant when he kicked her. She was as big as possible and waddled like a duck. She didn't understand that he was someone that was NOT our friend. He moved too calmly. He spent his time in my home like a man of leisure who had all the time in the world. I couldn't alert her to my panic because he had told me that if I made any sounds, he would slit my throat.
I saw her go to him to greet him, and he kicked her. She went flying up into the nearest wall, and I just knew she was dead. At that moment, I wanted to die as well. I closed my eyes and refused to respond to his taunting after that. He had killed my cat, or at least I had thought, and he might as well just kill me and get it over with. If he would kill her, he would kill me too, right?
Hours later when he left, I laid in the bed, bruised, sore and miserable, and wished I could just die. A stranger, who I did not know what he even really looked like had just stolen any trust in humanity that I had ever had. It was then that I found out that my cat wasn't dead. She jumped up on the bed with me and moved to lay beside me.
It was her coming to me that snapped me out of my nightmare. It was knowing that despite the fact that she had been hurt bad enough to miscarry one of her kittens, she still was more concerned with me than her own pain that made me get up, and get cleaned up and pull myself together.
I know that my reaction to that day of my life was wrong. I know I should have had the guts to go to the cops. Go to the hospital. But all I wanted to do was disappear. So, I kept the entire experience to myself. I locked it deep down inside and refused to tell anyone about it.
Did you know that God has a way of making you face up to the things you'd never want to know? I didn't. But he really does just know how to make you come out of hiding and tell things you don't want to. Things I never wanted to tell anyone... Until four weeks later when I realized I was pregnant.
I was near suicidal. I was nineteen years old! I had my entire life ahead of me! I wanted to date! I wanted to go out with friends! I wanted to travel! I wanted to work on my God damn singing career. I didn't want to change dirty diapers and get a real job to support a baby! Especially a child that was a product of a rape.
My family has always been VERY Pro life. But my grandmother, when I finally summoned the courage to talk to her offered to pay for an abortion if that was what I wanted. So, I made the appointment.
Now, I haven't posted the story about my near death experience yet. I will add it soon. To make a long story short, I was given the tour of heaven and held the little girls hand as I was reunited with family members that had died.
My memory of that little girl are very astute. She had dark brown hair, green eyes, and the most precious smile in the world. Well, the night before I was supposed to go in to have my abortion, she came to me in a dream, and held my hand again.
She kissed my cheek and told me she knew I was scared. But then she said the most amazing words to me, and I woke with them echoing in my head. "But mommie, I thought you wanted me?"
I woke up, curled in a fetal position, crying like a baby. In that instant I knew that the beautiful child I had told everyone about when I had come back from death was the soul that had chosen me to be her mother.
Kayli is my Angel. Everything that the rapist had taken from me suddenly seemed unimportant. You see, God gave her to me in exchange for what I lost that night. She wasn't the product of the rape. She was my reward for surviving it. And now, 14 years later, she still is.
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|Reviewed by Jade Eckert
I, too, decided to survive. Your story moved me. It took me a long time to realize bad things happen to good people. Most of the stories I write include parts of my life that I could never write as non fiction. Kudo's to you. As my sister once told me, 'Keep on, keepin' on.' Words I live by.
Thanks for sharing,
Jade- who knows it must have taken guts, and a lot of them, to share.
|Reviewed by Kody Boye
|Shiloh, this is truly an inspiration story, and I am glad you wrote it. Such a terrible thing to have happened to you.
You are truly a strong person for surviving it, and an even stronger person to be able to write about it.