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Ruan Wright

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The Elephant in my Room
By Ruan Wright
Monday, December 10, 2007

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what is the elephant,and why?

First published online at

The Elephant in my Room 500 words

... So I asked for an elephant. I didn’t think they’d really get me one, but that’s what it’s like around here; they can’t tell the difference between truth and fiction. Hollowood! (sic)
Yeah, I am a star but ... an elephant! I mean, I just thought of something outrageous, off the top of my head, for a laugh, you know. I mean, look at it! Ellie. I guess it’s a girl. That’s something.
I’m gonna need someone to muck her out, though. My God, that’s one pile of crap she just dumped! Eeeew, Georgie, call someone!
Big ears, big trunk, big ass – reminds me of that useless maid I had a while back. What was she? Puerto Rican? Well, I don’t hold that against her; but she did keep knocking things over. You remember? I think she drank. But when she broke the Lalique – well, she had to go. I mean, it was a Lalique. Yeah, well, so she did say she was sorry, and it was insured but ... ‘sorry’ doesn’t resurrect art. It was one of a kind, for Chris’sake.
But this elephant, now she’s a star. She’s trained, you can tell. Standing so steady on that red and gold stool they put in her enclosure. Balancing that little blue ball on her head and on her ass.
Look! Aww.
Hey, I just realized! This is my enclosure! My room! She’s enclosed in my enclosure. Go figure. Well, at least she can’t get near the glassware. Or can she? That trunk, they say it’s like a finger, with lips on the end. Imagine. Wow, you’d love it if I had lips on my fingers, wouldn’t you Georgie?
Hey, cut it out! Not now! I’m on in half an hour.
Here, Ellie, have a peanut.
Aww, she has such long eyelashes. Look! Aww, she looks sad. Those can’t be tears, can they? Do elephants cry? I heard they can pine themselves to death. They have these close social groups and all the females take care of the little ones. And I heard they mourn their dead and stay by the sick to comfort them.
Oh, yeah, and it was in the paper just the other day – yes, I read the papers! When I get the chance. Not just for the reviews! Whaddya think, I’m dumb or something? Anyway, they did this test with a huge mirror to see if an elephant could recognize itself. What did they call it ... to see if they were ... self-aware ... apparently only chimps, humans and, maybe, dolphins are. Well this elephant – ‘Happy’ they called her – she looked in the mirror and used the image to find a red dot they’d painted on her head. Smart girl.
Here, Ellie-Wellie, have another peanut. There’s a good girl.
Hey, Georgie, bring me that red lipstick, will you? And that mirror. I have to get ready. And tell ‘em to lose the elephant; she stinks. Tell ‘em I want Champagne on tap instead.

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Reviewed by Charlie 12/10/2007
A hoot. --Big fan of Ellie-Wellie's. But years of mucking out the cow stalls tells me you're right to lose her. Good luck with the show! Gotta T e a r myself away from you... (rip!) Love the 'Singin' in the Rain' line. --Charlie

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