AuthorsDen.com   Join Free! | Login    
   Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    eBOOKS new!     BOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    EVENTS    VIDEOS    GOLD    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Dave Cole, iR. Glenn Brown, iBob Mitchley, iSteve Kerr, iStan Law (aka Stanislaw Kapuscinski), iDavid Litwack, iDR FRED BELL, i

  Home > Humor > Stories
Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Beau B Fincher

· + Follow Me
· Contact Me
· Poetry
· Stories
· 6 Titles
· 10 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Oct, 2007

Beau B Fincher, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.


Golden Nerves
By Beau B Fincher
Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Not rated by the Author.

Share    Print  Save   Follow

Recent stories by Beau B Fincher
· The Farm
· Scars
· Garage Door Bullet Holes
· Grouchy Morning
           >> View all 5


If I could have an Extreme Makeover...


EXTREME MAKEOVER

I like my feet, average size with cute pudgy toes.

My legs serve their purpose along with my knees and hips, so Iíll keep those too.

Iíve never had a defined waist until I was pregnant and then you could define it as, bigger than hell! I think Iíll keep the one I have, if thatís ok.

My belly button resembles a deep, dark cave. Maybe I could take one of those things they use to pull the dents out of cars and pull it out just a little.

 My breasts, oh my poor, poor breasts. Weíve been through so much together, being pulled this way and that way while providing food for three healthy babies only to suddenly deflate like a day old party balloon. I want you bigger! Rounder! Farther north! But most of all I want you to remain cancer free, so I think I will just leave you alone, for now.

I like my mouth and nose; they came from my daddy, while my uninspiring hazel eyes that are shaped like small almonds are just like my motherís. They are family traits so I have to keep those.

And my hair! My larger than life naturally curly red, now slowly turning grey, hair! Between the ages of 11 and 29, I burned you, fried you, and soaked you in bleach, then dye, then bleach again. I grew you long, just to chop you all off. I coated you with hairspray, wrapped you in curlers, and ironed you flat with an iron, trying to achieve the perfect look. I am just grateful that you decided to hang around through all of the torture, so I will leave you just as you are, fashioned in springy, red curls.

My wrists are really skinny, my hands rather small, but they match the rest of me so I canít really change them either.

Heart? Beating.

Bowels? Moving.

Lungs? Breathing.

Brain? Functioning near capacity.

Nerves? Thatís it! I would change my nerves!

 Someone shot those years ago and I have been walking around with shot nerves since then. My husband and kids got on my last one already so I could really use some new ones. Ones that are relaxed, laid back, and new in town, without anyone hanging on them. Ones that carry the signals smoothly instead of being jammed up like rush hour traffic. I would also like them made of steel but I would consider gold or platinum.

Nerves would be great!

 Can I get some to go?   
 


Want to review or comment on this short story?
Click here to login!


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!


Reviewed by Poetess of The Soul Sheila G 1/1/2008
YOu are a riot, a countdown of your body parts! Whewwwwww, and nerves I've been there and done that, I think most have. It's surviving and getting back up and believing that will tell it all over again!
Great story and I hope for a better life - From my spirit to yours Beau!
All I had on my mind reading this was you and Wonder Women! Red hair, courage! Ahhh...

Stay Positive! Into the NEW YEAR we have been truly blessed with!
Warm hugs, LIGHT, LOVE and Blessings, Warrior Purple Lady Sweet Sheooxoo
Reviewed by Birdie Jaworski 12/13/2007
Now THAT is an extreme makeover I can get behind! Love this, it's funny, cute, and a story to which every mom can relate. You should submit this to Good Housekeeping or one of the other mags, Beau.

Popular Humor Stories
1. Better Late Than Never. ...
2. Duped Net: The Big Brawl
3. Poetic Injustice
4. Nude-Night-Naughty 6
5. The DMV Funnies
6. A Reluctant Father Christmas
7. A Man and His Dog
8. Rose is dead
9. Dealing With The Children. ...
10. Byron Luckipaw, the cat who established th

Peace on Earth by Paddy Bostock

Peace on earth? Don't bet on it...  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road by Diana Estill

Fifty-five hilarious tales that'll make you want to keep your partner, claim your kin, and hug your dog...  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us


Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
© AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.