This is kind of a funny Fantasy in Old England. This will make you laugh very hard!!! I think?
In a land far, far away in a time long ago lived a Knight named Sir Kelley. He was proclaimed the greatest dragon slayer in all of England and Ireland. Heads of dragons, slain by Sir Kelley, hung in the great hall. His bravery was unmatched in all the land and he had a good heart and pure Soul. He never lied, cheated or stole. Sir Kelley had everything a man could want right down to the latest invention of a remote control. This consisted of a long stick with a soft leather padded end used to prod the serfs to do the things he had wanted done.
The one thing and the most important thing that Sir Kelley did not have was being loved by a beautiful maiden. He searched high and low for that one true maiden, but still and yet he had not found her.
There’s one thing that few people knew. Sir Kelley as brave as he was, wasn’t the brightest torch in the cave. He was constantly doing something wrong. For instance; one day he took the wrong turn while riding his Mother’s horse. Taking only one more step, the horse immediately sunk up to its withers in the mud. Sir Kelley went to work trying to pull and push the poor horse from the mud, to no avail. His sword proved useless in this endeavor thus he had to go back to the palace, which took more than a day, to get his remote control and then find the serfs. To prod back to the poor stuck horse. The serfs were celebrating the fact that Sir Kelley had promised to be gone several days. They could stay at home and nurse the bruises from Sir Kelley’s constant poking while serfing. Sir Kelley found all his serfs and they started out on the trek to free the horse. When they arrived they found the horse was stuck in a channel. Sir Kelley was delighted at this fact and immediately began channel serfing. This irritated the serfs and slowed the digging down as they constantly had to change positions.
One day Sir. Kelley was out on a hunt and found himself many miles from the castle. His stomach was beginning to growl and it was starting to get dark. He knew He would never make it back to the castle in time for dinner. He thought for a minute and remembered He was close to his aunt’s cottage. She lived far away from the castle because she was not too fond of the English King. He set off down the road and came upon a sign that read, “This way to Tawny O’Hara’s house, English beware.” He always thought this odd as she lived in England.
“If I put my horse in high gear I could make her house by nightfall.” He thought to himself.
However the horse thought, “If this twit tries to shift my tail again I’m going back to the mud.”
He knew that his aunt didn’t have the latest remote controls like he did, so the
Food would not be cooked as fast, but her food was always good anyway. She did have high speed parchment so she had some new technology the castle offered. For most people out this far, it took weeks to get a parchment, but my aunt’s parchments only took a day.
He finally arrived at his aunt’s house just as the sun was setting, and fell off his horse, as was his normal dismount, and led it into the garage. He thought to himself that he should get the local smithy in the morning to check out his horse’s transmission. Every time he tried to shift the horse turned around and headed towards the mud channel.
Sir Kelley could smell an Irish stew cooking as he began to open the door. Then he heard a growl at his feet and turned to see a small poison dragon standing at the side of her steps. Now, as you probably already know, dragons come in many different sizes and shapes throughout the land. Some breathe fire, some are poison; but they are all very mean and vindictive. He quickly drew his sword and with one quick wave of his wrist he took the dragons head off.
Sir Kelley’s sword was one of the sharpest of all the Knights in the kingdom as it was made by a French black Smith named Gillette. He was always spouting off about some kind of thing he was making to shave your face. Sir Kelley told him he was talking nonsense. But he may have a point. Pardon the pun. He did have the sharpest blades anywhere and you could possibly shave your face with them……
Anyway back to the story.
He buried the dragon so his aunt’s dogs would not try and eat it. Poison dragons are poisonous no matter if they bite or you eat them. Sir Kelley found this out the hard way and spent a long time in the castle infirmary.
He began to open the door of the cottage just as his aunt let her dogs
out to go pee. They ran to meet him like they always do and they searched
him for a treat. He told them, “Oh my I have no treat for you my friends. “ But they knew he was lying as he always brought them treats because they are such good dogs. They protect his aunt when he was not around. They pushed his hand around and searched every pocket but nothing was to be found. They sat back stared at him with that cocked head puzzled look dogs get. He laughed and then told them, “Okay, I give up!” Then he pulled two large pieces of jerky from inside his vest. Oscar the largest Great Dane bowed and let Panda approach him first, like the gentleman that Oscar is. Panda is a very beautiful white Great Dane with black patches and the most beautiful blue eyes a dog could ever have. And she knew it. Panda ran off to eat her jerky and Oscar ran and almost tackled Sir Kelley. They wrestled about for a joyful moment and then Sir Kelley said, “Your such a good boy Oscar! “And a gentleman to the end.” Once he gave Oscar his
Jerky, Oscar ran off with slobbers hanging from his mouth to find Panda and join
Once again Sir Kelley ventured to enter his aunt’s cottage and the aroma of the Irish stew hit him again. His mouth was watering from the smell. He walked in and right away she yells “Wipe your feet!” he smiled because he knows he is home at last. He wipes his feet and tells her “God bless all in this house” and proceeds to sit down at a table by the fireplace. Right away she questions him, “Have you no manners boyo? Sir Kelley looked at her with a confused expression, not unlike his normal everyday look. “Living with the King has made you soft and filthy like him.” Sir Kelley laughs and heads for the door. He had forgotten to wash his face and hands in the washing tub provided outside. The Irish are a very clean people. He washed, rinsed and dried himself and once again went into the cottage.
Then he hears his aunt’s booming voice, “Wipe your feet!”
He laughs to himself and says again, “God Bless all in this house.” He sat down and she smiles and asks him where he had been keeping himself lately; and then chastises him for not coming to see her more often. “But aunty, I was out 3 days ago.” Sir Kelley said. He was hoping she was only joking and not gone idle brained. She filled his bowl with stew. Cutting a large slab of fresh baked bread and smearing lots of butter on it she told him to eat because he was skinny as a stick.
While he was eating she asked him if he had read the latest parchment. He had to tell her no as he had been rather occupied the last few days. Not wanting to tell her the whole truth as to where he had been.
She handed the parchment to him saying, “Well, you need to! That Kevin Connolly is the funniest Parchment writer in all the land.”
There lived in a village in a land that was only far away; a parchment writer named Kevin Connolly. He was proclaimed by the King as the best parchment writer in all the land. Kevin never claimed this title, as some of the King’s proclamations eluded him somehow. However, Kevin could make a cow taking a shite the funniest story you ever read and the top story of the day.
Sir Kelley asked what has Kevin had written now?
She smiled and sighed, “There seems there is a princess that was kidnapped and is now being held captive in a tower in Italy by a dragon. “
“Aw that Kevin sure can spin a yarn.” Sir Kelley said between gulps of hot stew.
“No.” His aunt said, “This is not a story. “
Sir Kelley paused a moment from shoving stew and bread into his mouth. Actually he had to pause to chew some of it up so he could swallow. “If this is the truth,” He thought. “This could be my lucky chance to win a fair maiden’s hand.” He swallowed and a smiled crossed his face. “It is true that I am the best dragon slayer in all the land!” He stretched out his hand to take the parchment his Aunt was reading. “Let me see the parchment so I can read the details.“ She grudgingly handed the parchment over to him. The front page had a picture of the fair maiden. She was very beautiful and her name was Jenifer. His heart swooned from just one look and he thought to himself, “I must have this fair maiden as my true love!” He read further down the page and it told of the dragon that guarded her. The dragon’s name was Wulfstan Crumble.
Wulfstan Crumble was the most ferocious dragon in the entire world and the smartest. He could talk like a human and loved puzzles and rhymes. However, his most favorite thing to do besides eat people was play chess. Sir Kelley had been searching most of his career as dragon slayer for this particular dragon. It would be Sir Kelley’s most prized head to hang in the great hall. He grew excited about this and consumed all the stew and bread before he knew it.
After dinner and he had cleared and washed the dishes, at his aunts demand, they sat by the fire place and drank coffee and talk of the news of the day. She prattled away about her simple life and he feigned attention. But he was really thinking about who he could get to form the party of men that would be perfect for the trip to Italy.
“Let’s see” He thinks to himself, “I will need Antony Amative because he knows the land. And he knows the language.” The fact is Antony Amative speaks many languages as he had offended a witch and she had turned him into a toad. He went everywhere trying to find a fair maiden to kiss him and learned many dialects during this search. Fair maidens being in such short supply this took a few years. Finally he found one and now he is married to her. She constantly wants him to turn back as apparently he kissed better as a toad than as a man.
“I really should take Kevin Connolly then he could document my heroic slaying of Wufstan Crumble for the history books.“ He nods at something his aunt is saying. Since she insists he agrees with every word this was easy. “Yes of course Kevin could write this adventure to be far more interesting then the historians. I would also need a great cook to feed all these men Hmm. “ His belly full it was hard to think about food. “It most certainly would have to be T. L. O' Neal is the best Irish cook in the land, and everyone loves his cat Rusty, who goes every where with T.L.” He decided not to share this with his aunt as she believes she to be the best cook in the land. “Not to mention T.L.’s always quick with joke or to light up your smoke. Now for some archers, two should be enough.”
Just then his aunt asked him a question. “Oh yes I do agree with you on that.” Sir Kelley said quickly. That seemed to satisfy her and he went back to his plans.
“Matthew Marquis, a French man from the north, has a good eye; although he only shoots people in the heart and spleen. That could be a problem as no one really knows where a dragon’s spleen is or if they actually have one. Maybe T.L will be able to sort that out, as he is also the butcher for all the land.”
Then there is Gary Holden one of England’s best archers and maybe the best in all the land. Sir Kelley knew how Gary got this distinction. One day Gary was looking at a bow to buy from the local bow maker and didn’t know it was loaded. He let go of the string just as a dragon carrying another fair maiden, flew by. The arrow hit the dragon and dropped the maiden. She was so thankful that she married Gary and they lived happily for awhile.“ Sir Kelley thought that after carrying out the trash for years Gary might be willing to go just for the break.” Sir Kelley thought. “The rest will come to me tomorrow on my way back to the castle.” He came back from his planning and noticed his aunt had fallen asleep by the fire. He kissed his aunt on the cheek and headed off to bed.
© 2007 Kelley Frost
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