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Brittany Renée

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Secrets, Secrets
By Brittany Renée
Thursday, January 10, 2008

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Story-a-Day with a minimum of 500 words. Searching for my "niche" to write my first novel :) Constructive criticism on plot, characters, dialogue, story... anything - is HIGHLY appreciated and welcomed!
First attempt at a story... *bites nails*

Small ice chunks fell down her throat as she snorted her margarita through a laugh. Celebrating their third wedding anniversary in a luxurious fashion that was so unlike them, Lily was having the time of her life. Across the bar from her was her husband, Wallace, who was obviously testing his alcohol level by jarring down drink after drink. His eyes met hers flirtatiously with effort to focus, and she could feel her false eyelashes tickle her skin as she giggled and winked back. Nobody ever told her that life could be this much fun at thirty-two. Here she was with the man of every woman’s impossible dreams who loved her far past any words or acts of love could define. Standing at a hut in Jamaica, flirting across the bar with her husband as if they were in love in their teens.
The music played loudly in the background near the floor laid out to create a dance floor for the beach-goers, townies, and travelers. Despite the sweltering heat that was only tolerable if you took a few dunks in the sea every ten minutes during the day, night proved to be quite chilly. You would never have guessed though with the bikini top clad women roaming and dancing about, clearly quite bubbly from the first few hours’ worth of drinks. Men even began to dance and mock Jamaican moves as the drums kept a steady rhythm, and the women laughed heartily as their husbands became new men.
Was life always a picture-perfect memory like this? For three glorious and fast-paced years, Lily was the president of cloud nine. After a few months of never returning back to earth, she felt that she’d watched enough people come and go on her little cloud that she could claim presidency. And she did.
Even though the humid and salty sea air fickly brushed up against the crowd in this cold night, Lily’s thoughts began to travel back to a time that wasn’t so carefree; a time that was as dark as this Jamaican night, but the mood was its polar opposite. Shivers crawled all over her newly tanned skin, and it wasn’t from the breeze passing through.
As she looked back at Al, as she fondly called her husband, she saw the glow of his smile break the darkness of her thoughts. His hips were now swaying side to side so stiffly, she couldn’t help but giggle at this strange sight. Apparently now very intoxicated, Al “danced” over to his wife and cuddled her into his arms. Now moving to the beat of the music together, he led her over to the dance floor, one arm around her and one hand around his glass. A sight any of his employees would pay a good dollar to see, she was sure!
That night the darkness only bore itself from the sky, and it was well lit by the glow of the happy crowd and the sparkling stars. Tonight was their night to celebrate, and if she was able to keep her secret for three years, she could keep it from her mind for one night.

       Web Site: Brittany Renee

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Reviewed by Regis Auffray 1/11/2008
Nicely done, Brittany. You have captured my attention. Thank you. Love and peace,

Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 1/11/2008
Not bad for your first story, Brittany; very well penned! BRAVA!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :D
Reviewed by Jeff Mason 1/11/2008
The secret was that the anti-depressants she had been taking since age 30 were making everything in her life seem extremely rosy. In her world, since age 30, she felt no sadness or pain; for seeing through drug-induced eyes blurred her harsh reality. And the reality was that she was in love with Nick, her tennis coach for the past year. She never understood this "fatal attraction," for she knew that she loved her husband deeply...

Okay, I'm just goofing around. I really did like your characterizations. As you move along, you should give the characters more depth and description (physical as well as psychological descriptors - moods, hair color, eyes - things like that). Make them as multi-dimensional as possible. Currently, you have been somewhat descriptive, but is Lily tall, with dark hair and a penchant for being the 'sensible' one? Is Wallace well-built and typically the "life of the party?" You're on the right track, and I love what you've done so far; but also make it more intriguing - make us WANT to know what the secret might be - tantalize us with some more details - make them slightly vague, with juicy "leading" tid-bits. -- Jeff
Reviewed by Felix Perry 1/11/2008
Interesting opening story, the hints of the secret could be a little clearer or introduced a little earlier in the chapter. The descriptive phrases are great though although some may need a little more elaboration...
Example: Presidencey of cloud the phrase but what does it mean in relation to the watching of the tourists for months

Also if this is to be ashort story the secret should be revealed a little more...why was there relationship secret...was he waiting for divorce, promotion or taking ownership of the company etc.

Other than that it is a great write and I think it has lots of potential.

Lool forward to reading more of your work Britt

Reviewed by Michelle Kidwell Power In The Pen 1/10/2008
Wow I wish my first attempt were that good, it seems to me you are doing great with this, I hope to read more of your short stories
God Bless

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