I was always good at ignoring things that hurt me, mentally or physically I was able to take the pain and pretend it was not happening. I was good at putting a wall up to protect myself from the verbal abuse and sexual abuse that was happening to me when I was a child.
I have always been good at living in a fantasy world. That is all I really knew, was to make a world of my own to be safe in.
I had two imaginary sisters I named them Tammy and Missy, I knew they were not real people, I imagined them being my sisters I would talk to them not so much out loud but in my mind. They were in my life off and on when I felt I needed them I imagined them and there they were. I felt safe with them.
Today when I think back I believe those imaginary sisters was God helping me deal because I would talk to them and let my feelings out to them and cry and take deep breaths in and out and they would help me calm down. I had them talk to me in my mind I knew what they were saying to me like a mother would to their children that is how I had them talk to me. So I know God was working in my life back then I just was not open to see it.
I also had a best friend a girl friend and her family used to take care of me, it was a blessing I did not know then at the time, but now I look back and I know it was a blessing.
The family loved me, and taught me what a real family is like. When I was with my best friends family I was away from the emotional abuse and sexual abuse, so I was safe and I felt safe with them.
As I grew older I got into alcohol and drugs and that helped me stick in my fantasy world. I hated who I was and I hated who I became. I did not care if I lived or died.
Than one day the alcohol and drugs stopped working and I got into a lot of misery I was desperate and I got help.
I thank God for this help. God gave me the gift of desperation then all the pain came and I was feeling I wanted to run but I knew that’s what I did my whole life so I did not run I made myself except what is going on the truth of me and my actions and I asked for help and listened and took the action to help myself.
That was when I really started to learn how to live in this word. I found out that I was living in a fantasy world and I had to face myself, face to face in the mirror. I did not like it but that was what started me on my new journey in life.
Today I am sober I have a peace that I never had before and it is all because of the love and faith I have in the Spirit God. God is in and through everything on this earth I believe that God works through people and when I get my ego and pride out of the way, my human self out of the way then there is God.
I share more about this in my chapters in my book called:
“Thank You God One Lady’s Journey Within”
Chapters 1-21 all are here on this website to read at your leisure
© January 16, 2008 Denise Contreras
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