My heart's been torn out. Thrown onto the cold concrete below, and stomped on. A penetrating stomp from the bottom of her shoe.

Tonight's the first night in God knows how long that I've sat in my closet to think. It's the first night in that same amount of time I've thought about death. I just want to reach up and grab my throat. I want to grab it, and not let go until I can't move. Can't breathe.

My world has flipped. What used to be a heart melting is now being frozen and mutilated. Ripped. I think that's the only word to describe it. It feels like my chest has been torn in two, reached in, and my heart has been ripped.

I never understood why people say that the heart is the symbol of emotion. I used to laugh - How could an organ which pumps blood be used to express feelings? It's just a muscle, why does this ignorant society say it's the sign of love?

I guess tonight I know. It must've happened a hell of along time ago, but it had to have happened, none the less. Some man, or perhaps even a woman, was destroyed in the very same manner that I am.

Ripped into a million little specks of dust, scattered through the endless seas of hate, lust, despise, loathing, hurt, fire, sorrow, grief, and even the sea of feeling in which little butterflies are torched by some freak with a Molotov cocktail and a flamethrower.
Torn out of existence, and blind sided by the harsh whack of reality. The very blow dealt when you're thrown off your pedestal of fake emotions. The same thing you experience when you realize, at the age of four, that the monkeys aren't playing, but actually are killing each other.

It's like watching a horror movie for the first time, in the dark, alone, and your dad comes up behind you, grabs you, and starts screaming the bad guy's trademark line: "What's your favorite scary movie?" But this pain, this...this...this...abyss of life, this pain is a thousand times worse.

This pain, you must understand, it burns so much that you can't even feel it. It burns so hot that it feels cold...absent. This pain destroys your entire healthy state of mind in five words: "I don't love you anymore."