E.D. is a fate worse than death. Of course it isn’t something you just bring up in casual conversation, of course not. It isn’t something most men will acknowledge easily. Men will try everything before going to a doctor, or discussing it with anyone. How can a man hide it though? I mean, it should be an easy thing to do….you know hide it. After all it isn’t like your names flashing on a neon message board or posted on the internet somewhere. It’s just between you and your spouse…unless you’ve been to a doctor, but what if you haven’t told your spouse. Look, something’s a man tries to keep to himself, especially E.D. It isn’t easy, I tried and this is my story.
Erectile Dysfunction or the limp noodle, after all is a disorder that will remove a mans pride sending him onto a whirlwind of desperation unlike no other. All of my life my ability to perform with my mate topped my list of pleasures. As a youth I could truthfully hold my chest high while boasting of Albert’s size, length and girth. Also, it seemed time had no bounds on my ability to perform all night, or countless times during a night or day. It was simply something I took for granted.
Albert is the name I gave it. Most men I know give their swinging, ah…genitals a name. My father called his Hank, never asked him why. My brother called his Rosebud. In the military I knew a guy who called his Buford. When you’re in a barracks full of Marines the conversations can sometimes be comical. Most names represented how the Marine used it or how he wished it were used. Some of the names were, Bush Whacker, Virgin Buster, Slighter, Filler, Stroke, Deep Throat, Big Ben, Swamp Monster, and so on. Me, I didn’t have one until that night. Up until my military days I was a virgin, with nothing more than a peek at my dads Playboy magazine. My mother beat my bottom for that by the way, and a kiss from Susan Humphreys. What a gal I’ll never forget her and that first kiss. But, as far as anything else it never happened, I mean not for a lack of wanting…I was just really shy, really. So, needless to say naming was never an option until now. Now, in this room full of Marines I had to give a name or lose face. I thought about it then remembered that kiss, it was at Al’s Hamburgers. So, I knighted mine, Sir Albert. All the guys chuckled, and laughed,
Alas, time does take its toll. Gradually, as I grew older my abilities slowly dissipated. My endurance was the first to go. After a go in the morning I was finished for the day. Over the next few months it went to several days. My girth slowly faded, my Albert just lay there soft to the touch. Embarrassed is hardily a word I would use to describe my feelings. I roll over telling my wife I just had lots on my mind, maybe tomorrow. My excuses ranged from a hangover, headache, to feeling ill. She was getting curious, I was getting desperate.
First, I checked with a friend of mine who can get anything…Viagra topped my list. My friend advised against it - his advice was to eat right, exercise, take vitamin E, and to eat oysters. Knowing him as a jokester I laughed and went with my first instincts, Viagra.
If any of you have ever taken Viagra you will have no doubt read all the warning labels…after all this is medicine for your Albert. They tell you it may cause prolong erections (but that’s why you’re taking it…right), headaches, nausea, restlessness…etc. Like most men, I read the warnings paying little attention to them, after all those things never happen to me. I read the directions with the recommended dosage ignoring them popping five or six in my mouth just before bedtime – reckless is my middle name. I was a man on a mission ready to spread the legs of life and plant the seeds of civilization for the next generation…It was my resurrection.
We went to bed with the usual formalities, a kiss, a smile and then the pleasant, “good night dear.” Deep inside me I could feel it stir, as the pills, no doubt, were having their way. My wife next to me reading as normal had no idea what awaited her. My thoughts rolled back to times gone by when she was putty in my arms, a love machine making our night of madness unforgettable, filled with passion and lust.
As these thoughts rolled through my mind Albert came to life. A solider was no more erect than he, his purpose true , his mission clear.
My wife lay on her side with her back to me reading quietly. I rolled toward her placing my hand on her hip. I nuzzled my nose between her shoulder and neck, and began kissing her neck ever so softly. She moaned slightly before patting my hand. I pulled her close to me pressing Albert against her. Her hand reached down feeling Albert then she moaned again before rolling toward me. Our eyes met in a brilliance of past moments. I kissed her long and deep. She smiled.
“Honey,” she said with a steady gaze into my eyes, “Of all the times you get frisky…I can’t.”
Can’t? Can’t, what does that mean….Can’t! Why I mean….her words cut through me for an instant because after all this time of rolling away from her, she can’t! I didn’t say anything as the words sunk in, but then I thought about it…how ironic. I smiled at her not deterred because I knew now that Viagra worked. There will be another time. I smiled at her warmly, kissing her again. She patted my hand again, then patted Albert, “When you “can” we will have a rocking good time,” I told her.
She smiled and rolled back over reading her book. I rolled back onto my side with a brilliant smile on my face knowing that there was a tomorrow and Albert would once again be as before, full of girth.
However, as I lay there something occurred to me…Albert was still erect and getting harder by the minute. So hard in fact I thought poor Albert would burst. I turned on my left side away from Dianne so she couldn’t see me clinching my teeth has sharp slashes of pain streaked through my groin. A Images of hot dog cooked to long in the microwave with its sides split and insides all turned out flashed through my mind. Poor Albert, oh poor me! I jumped out of bed, my wife staring at me as I rushed to the bathroom.
“What’s the matter,” she asks.
“Oh, nothing…I have a sudden urge for more of your casserole,” I said as I rushed out of bedroom, then down the hall.
“With that bulge in your pajamas I would think something else,” she yelled as I darted into the hall bathroom.
I closed the door, pulled down my pajamas looking at Albert. He had never been so big, so full, so dog gone hard. He ached like he was about to implode. Visions of the hot dog flashed in front of me again. The instructions, I had to find the instructions…I began digging through the bathroom trashcan. I found it with floss sticking to it. Dark stains from an unidentifiable substance hid the words I desperately tried to read. It was useless. I threw the paper in the trashcan. Albert though throbbed in convulsions sending burst of pain to regions normally associated with pleasure. Tears swelled as I held back the urge to yell.
I splashed water on my face, tried to think happy thoughts, I even stroked Sir Albert hoping he’d relax, but no this only aroused him. I wouldn’t think it was possible for him get harder, but he did. The skin tightened around him like shrink-wrap, veins protruded adding dark lines of color, as Albert’s himself seemed to be screaming at me for help. His skin began to turn dark pink. I held him with both hands as I stumble about knocking over the trashcan, then stomp about as if the floor were on fire.
“Honey, are you Alright in there,” Dianne asks as she knocks on the bathroom door.
Inhaling and trying to sound normal I squeak as pleasantly as possible, “Yes, just fine.”
I didn’t hear anything for a moment, then she says, “With all that noise you’d think you were in lots of pain moaning and all.” I didn’t answer, but rather bit down on a washcloth. She remained silent then I heard her walk away.
I’m not sure what to do…desperate, I run cold water over a washcloth and wrap it around Albert. The cloth does not cover Albert completely, but hangs over his head draping down about half his length. The coolness felt soothing granting me a bit of relief. I sit down on the closed toilet with the towel hanging around the still throbbing Albert, albeit the throbbing was lessening. I sat on the toilet with my robe dangling down at my sides and this washcloth lying over Albert like a shroud.
The door opens and it is my wife. She stands there for a moment staring at me, her eyes steadfast on the washcloth. Speechless, she closes the door and then I hear giggle as she hurries away.
I sat motionless for the longest time wondering what to do. Albert was still erect, I felt sore. I decide to go onto bed and try to deal with it the best I could. As I sat down on the bed my wife giggled, then she rolled over to me.
“You know, I thought you were cheating on me. That’s why you didn’t want anything to do with me for the past several months, that is until tonight and I saw you in there…Harriet told me all about her husband and Viagra,” she giggled some more, “he took way to much and suffered horribly. You didn’t do that….did you?” Then she laughed.
I stood up pulling Albert’s shroud off him, “No…no, I wouldn’t do that. This thing always looks like this.”
She smiled then tossed the bottle of Viagra on the bed in front of me, “I found these in your dresser as I put away your socks,” she smiled. “You could have told me you know, I would have understood. You can’t image the things going through my head as to why you were avoiding me.”
“I’m sorry dear, really I am,” I whine.
“That’s Ok dear,” she says as she looks at Albert with the sort of look a person might have looking at a good steak. “Does it hurt,” she asks while biting her lower lip.
“Yes, it is painful,” I respond with a whimper.
“Now, now climb into bed and I’ll see what I can do,” she suggests.
I’m not sure if it was the look in her eyes, or the drool running from the corner of her mouth that caused me to hesitate. I was in pain that’s for sure and if she could do something that would help, well I was all for that, but Albert hurt, I mean he was really hurting. I climbed in bed slowly as she slowly came near. Then, I jumped out of bed.
“Wait, I’m not sure this is a great idea.” My words were ignored as her approach continued.
Her stare reminded me of Bella Lugosi in one of those old vampire movies. I stood from the bed and began walking out of the bedroom, but she stood, blocking my escape. Now, her look was really scaring me. Her hair flung wildly about her head as if she were being shocked, her smile was long and thin. I backed away from her to the window. I turn, flinging the window open climbing out onto the roof where the cold night air chilled me, but not Albert, he was still standing in the ready. I looked through the open window watching her as she rushed toward me. I slammed the window shut, pressing down on it as she tried to open it.
“Now Dianne…you don’t understand I’m in a lot of pain right now!” I grit my teeth whispering as loudly as possible hoping the neighbors aren’t listening.
She though smiles and pulls harder on the window. I never knew she was so strong. It was all I could do to hold the window in place. My bare feet were slipping on the shingles threatening to send me sliding off the roof. I could see the picture of my corpse on the front page now. I lay on a stretcher with old Albert bulging up like a pole holding up a tent at a military encampment, the headlines would read, “Man found dead after falling off roof, but his Albert is still alive….wife arrested after scuffling with police over Albert.”
I look through the windowpane with tears in my eyes, I moan in muffled wails as Albert is now even worse. While I’ve pushed and tried to maintain a grip he has flopped around and banged against the windowsill.
I’m sure I won’t survive the night.
Dianne backs away from the window. She tells me to come back in, and promises not to try anything, “I understand, really, please just come in…I promise I won’t touch you. I can see you’re in a lot of pain.”
Knowing Dianne, the way I know Dianne I felt I could trust her, but then again she still had the look in her eyes. Being the trusting sort I slowly opened the window.
She backed away toward the bed, “See, I’m leaving you alone,” she says with a half smile, half kind of quirky look that sent a chill down my back.
I step through the window, closing it behind me. She remained true to her word and did not approach.
She sits down on the edge of the bed patting my side of the mattress with this broad smile on her face.
I slowly step around the bed to my side with Albert protruding up from under my pajamas. As I side step I watch her eyes as they follow Albert. As I reach my side of the bed she flings the covers back patting my pillow and giving me this bizarre smile with her eyes wide and full as if in a trance. I open the closet door and leap inside.
“Bill, what in the world are you doing,” she yells, obliviously surprised.
“I can’t trust your going to leave me alone…you…you scare me,” I shout back.
“Oh, honey,” her voice almost a cry.
I felt sorry for her, but didn’t dare open the door. The doorknob does not lock so I stood pulling against it for the longest time. Finally, I heard her rolling around in bed, the glow of the bedroom light disappeared from the foot of the closet door, and all was quiet. I released the knob, sliding down the wall onto a shoe that I tossed to the side and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible. Albert though, still erect and full of life, made sleeping less enjoyable. Somehow I managed to fall asleep. How, I do not know.
Somewhere in the night Albert finally relaxed. His girth vanished leaving him looking like his normal self. His once full stature of overwhelming magnificent was lost in shriveled wrinkles. The soreness remained and as I stood those flashes of pain shrieked through my groin again. I bit my lip avoiding a scream. Opening the closet door I found Dianne was already out of bed and out of the room. As I got ready for work Dianne entered the bedroom.
She smiled looking me over, “So, how is old Albert this morning?”
I turned to her giving her a big kiss, “He is right back to his old self, although it might be days before the soreness is gone.”
“Good,” she smiles picking up the Viagra from the dresser, “I’ll keep these in a safe place until we’re both ready,” she winks.