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Beverly Mahone

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Books
· How to Get on the News Without Committing Murder

· Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie

· Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age


Short Stories
· Lies Women Tell: Because Mommy Said So

· Sexual Intimacy and Lying

· The Truth Hurts or Does It?

· The Differences Between Sarah Palin's Daughter and Mine

· Secrets and Lies

· Don't Read Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie If...

· Career Advice I Never Forgot

· The Road Map of Life for College Students

· What a Difference College Makes

· My Real Life College Road Trip Part II


Articles
· How My Book Has Remained on the Amazon Best Seller's List for 3 Weeks

· Twitter Feud, My New Ebook and Kathy Ireland

· How to Shine With a Press Release

· Baby Boomer Women and Media Lies

· Social Media May Be Hazardous to Your Health

· It's My Party I'll Cry If I Want To

· Top 10 Baby Boomer Presidential-Elect Songs

· How to Go from Green to Red Hot as a Radio Host

· Dead Host Talking

· How to Become a Good Radio Host


Poetry
· My Baby Boomer Valentine

· Beautiful Moms

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News
· How to Get on the News Without Committing Murder Hits Number One on Amazon

· New Ebook on How to Get Publicity Makes Amazon Best Seller List

· How to Get on the News Without Committing Murder

· New Ebook about the Lies Women Tell Goes into Third Week on the Amazon Best

· New Card Game Designed for Mature Women

· Newly Released Book Climbs to Number 2 on Amazon

· Trayvon Martin Death Subject of Beverly Mahone's Radio Show

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Diary of a Mad Baby Boomer
By Beverly Mahone
Posted: Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Last edited: Tuesday, March 25, 2008
This short story is rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Recent stories by Beverly Mahone
· Lies Women Tell: Because Mommy Said So
· Sexual Intimacy and Lying
· The Truth Hurts or Does It?
· The Differences Between Sarah Palin's Daughter and Mine
· Secrets and Lies
· Don't Read Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie If...
· Career Advice I Never Forgot
           >> View all 63
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 44 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give this workout thing a try.

               Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 44 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:  Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:  I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:  Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.  Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:  I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:  Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:  I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
 

Web Site: www.boomerdivanation.com  

Reader Reviews for "Diary of a Mad Baby Boomer"


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Reviewed by Elaine Smith 12/20/2010
Bev, my new ezine needs great humor writers. If you'd like to send something for one time electronic publication, email laughingtrapezezine.gmail.com. Thanks! Elaine
Reviewed by Julie Donner Andersen 8/15/2008
This is great and makes me laugh....every time I read it. I've had this sent to me in e-mail many, many times, but never with an author's name on it. Beverly, if this is yours, someone has pirated it and is sending it through e-mail!

Julie
Reviewed by Stefanie Moss 5/6/2008
That's funny...that's how I feel about WORKING at my job at times LOL!
Reviewed by Flying Fox Ted L Glines 3/25/2008
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This one is precious. You had me laughing through the whole final half. Good stuff, Beverly!

Ted


Books by
Beverly Mahone



Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age

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Amazon, more..




How to Get on the News Without Committing Murder

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Signed copy!
Amazon, more..




Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie

Buy Options
Kindle, Amazon, more..



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