“Heather, what’s the matter?” Becka ran in asking, after hearing a crash, and seeing me on the floor.
“I fell.” I said crying. “I couldn’t get myself back up.”
“Heather are you okay?”
“ I think so.” I said. “At least physically.”
“It’s going to be okay.” Becka assured me. “You’re going to get through this.
“I wish I could believe that right now, but it’s hard.”
“Heather its okay to be weak sometimes, it’s okay to need someone.”
“I’ve heard that before.” I said, “But my life has been changed, and right now I am angry, angry that this happened, angry that I have to face this.”
“I know you are Heather, that’s normal, when we loose something or someone it hurts.”
“I lost the ability to walk, and I had a career that required me to be prepared to get up and run.”
“Heather I love you like a sister, but I am going to tell you flat out you’re legs were not what made you a good Agent, it was your head and your heart, a lot of people can run, but that doesn’t mean they would make a good agent.”
“I know Becka, but I need my legs to do this job, and now I can’t walk, my world’s been turned upside down. I can’t even get myself back into the chair after a fall.” I said, feeling the tears starting to flow once again.
“Heather you are going to get your independence back, its only been ten weeks since the accident, give it time.”
“I’m trying Becka, I really am, but I am so impatient.”
“Heather I know. You are like a sister to me, I know you well.”
“I’m sorry Becka, I’ve been pushing those I care about the most away, and I need you guys now more than ever.” I said, still feeling humiliated as my best friend helped me back into the chair.
“Heather it’s okay, I know that this has to be hard for you, I am not taking this personally, and neither is Eric.”
“I know you aren’t but I still feel bad for treating you and Eric the way I have. I’ve been treating everyone that way, look at the way I snapped at Doctor Emily.”
“You didn’t know, none of us did.”
“Still that gives me no right to snap at her the way I did.”
“She forgave you Heather, forgive yourself.”
I knew Becka was right, I was having trouble forgiving myself. I was holding on to past mistakes and not letting them go, holding on to them wasn’t doing me any good. I needed to let go of the guilt I felt for the things I had done wrong in the past, and get out of the mindset that I was being punished for some past sins.
Becka left the room, reading herself for work. I was going to be left alone for the first time, and I was scared like a child, but I did not want to prevent Becka from doing what she needed to do. I was scared, but I was going to have to face time alone, I was going to have to face living with what happened to me, and sometimes I surrounded myself with people and noise so much so, that it was like I was trying to distract myself from facing myself, I wasn’t allowing myself time to come to terms with this.
“Are you sure you are going to be okay?’ Becka asked, before getting her things gathered up.
“Becka go ahead and go, I’ll be okay, I am not going to pull any more stunts.”
“What were you trying to do?”
“I was trying to stand up. Trying to walk.”
“I’m sorry Heather, but please don’t try that again, not without someone here to help you.”
“I don’t know, I guess I was just hoping that the doctors were wrong, but I am only fooling myself.”
“If it’s the Lord’s will, you will walk again, I truly believe that Heather.”
“What if it’s not the Lord’s will.”
“He will still use you, he will still love you.”
“Thanks Becka, I appreciate everything you are doing for me, and I know you are right.”
“Are you sure you are going to be okay alone for awhile?”
“I am going to have to face it sometime, I can’t completely depend on someone for the rest of my life.”
“If you need me call.” Becka said.
“I might need you now.” I said shamefully, looking down at my lap, feeling ashamed because I had wet myself.
“Heather you don’t have to be embarrassed.”
“I’m more than embarrassed I am humiliated.” I said, feeling like a small child.
“We’ll get you cleaned up, nobody else will know.” Becka promised.
“Will I really get better? Will I really learn to completely care for myself?”
“You will Heather, I believe that, but if you want me to stay I will. Eric was more than willing to give me more time off.”
“I am glad he wasn’t here, I would be even more humiliated. How can he want me I am like a small child?”
“He’s told you a hundred times over he loves you nothing will change that. I know you are hurting and have questions but you need to stop questioning Eric’s love for you, and you need to know that we are here for you, it’s okay to be weak sometimes.”
“Thank you Becka.”
“For not talking to me like I was a little kid, for helping me feel more comfortable with myself, for helping me clean up, for being like a sister to me.”
“You’re welcome, we are sisters in God’s eyes, and we have been friends for a long time, nothing is going to change that. I want you here, and I want to help you in anyway I can. I still feel bad that this happened to you.”
“It’s not your fault, you are not the one that shot me.”
“I know, but I should have had your back.”
“Becka you are still carrying around the guilt for that?”
“Yeah I guess I am.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know in my head, but my heart tells me I should have done more to help my best friend, my sister.”
“Becka this wasn’t your fault.”
“I know.” She said picking up her ringing cell phone from the table. “If you are sure you are going to be okay, I need to head off now, something is going down.”
“Has the Innocence thief struck again?”
“Yeah I think so.”
“I will, Eric is coming over to take you out to dinner after work today.”
“I’m not sure I am ready for that.”
“You’ve got to eat.” Becka said, walking out the door.