Lord I am just spending to much time thinking on the things I have lost, and I need to focus on what I still have. I prayed, Becka and Eric were at work, and I had plenty time to think, and plenty of time to pray, I needed to spend more time in prayer and less time feeling sorry for myself.
When I prayed I felt a sense of peace wash over me, telling me that the Lord had heard my prayers. I knew that I was still going to have my moments when I grieved over the fact that I lost my ability to walk, and with that my career as an FBI agent, but I was alive, and the Lord obviously had a reason for keeping me here, that bullet could have easily killed me. I was soon to be married though, and was glad that I did not die, I wanted to have a life with Eric, and I knew part of that was going to be learning to move on past the fact that I was shot, past the fact I could no longer walk. Eric looked past that so why was I having such trouble doing it?
I know that with your help I am going to get through this with you, but I do have my moments when I question, when I wonder why this happened to me, but I know it could have been worse, sometimes it is hard for me to think of it in that term Lord, but I know that with your help I am going to get through this.I was beginning to be thankful that I had a bit of time alone, it gave me a new sense of independence, though I was still struggling in so many ways, just to get somewhat of a normal life back, but it gave me time to pray and reflect more importantly. I was still grieving over the fact that I lost my ability to walk, and I still wanted to go to work, I did not like sitting around the house, but I knew that my world had not ended because I could not walk, I still had a reason to praise him, and I was glad for that.
“Eric wanted me to call you and make sure you were okay.” Becka said.
“I’m doing fine, better than I thought I would be, the Lord has really been speaking some things to my heart. I know I am going to get through this.”
“Heather I am so glad to hear you say that, Eric and I were both really concerned about you.”
“I was letting self pity take over, and I know now that’s not the way. I can not promise I will never have the moments when I wonder why and am angry at God, but I know now that this wasn’t some form of punishment, and I know he doesn’t love me any less.”
“Amen to that Heather. Pray for us a well, we are still trying to get the Innocence Thief off the streets.”
“I’ve been praying for that very thing, and I will continue praying.” I said.
“We’ll be home in a few hours.”
“Okay, I’ll be fine.”
“I am glad to hear you say that.”
“So am I.” I admitted.
I was glad that the Lord was helping me through this, that I was getting out of that pit of despair I had let myself fall into. I was going to get through this, I was going to have a life, even if it was different from the life I had before. I was going to learn to appreciate the smaller things in life in a new way. I was more than grateful for that, more than grateful that the Lord had helped me through the rough spots as he always had, nothing was going to change that fact.
I picked up my Bible and began reading in Isaiah, I found hope in the fortieth chapter, as I read the words, and realized that this earthly body was only temporal, in Heaven I would be given a new body, one that was free of pain, disease, or Paralysis. I was going to have a healthy body when I went to Heaven, not dealing with wheelchairs, or having to relearn to do things in different ways.
Thank you Lord for speaking to my heart, showing me that this situation is only temporal, one day in Heaven I will walk again, and if its your will I will walk while I am on this earth, I have to remember that you still work miracles, but even if I never walk I need to continue to praise you for the things you have done in my life.“I’m going to get through this.” I told myself, determined,. “I am no longer going to let this have control of my life, I need to get the control back.”
I was finally getting comfortable being alone with God again, I was going to get through this, I could have a life again. I was more than thankful for coming to that realization. I could have fallen deeper into the pit of despair but the good Lord was speaking to my heart, showing me that just because I could no longer walk didn’t mean I didn’t have worth, and that I was precious in his eyes, no matter what I could nor could not do. What a blessing having the Lord speak to my heart in that way was.