“How am I supposed to make it through this?” Arriana asked. “They say I get to go home soon, but truthfully I am scared, I am going to go home to a broken and changed life.”
“Arianna you are not going to have to go through this alone, I am here for you.”
“I know Gabrielle and I am grateful, but you can’t live through the pain for me.”
“But I can hold your hand through it.”
“A lifeless hand.”
“Arianna you’re still the same person on the inside you were before the accident.”
Arianna was not only battling the accident, but battling with the fact that our parents had left us, the drink and the drugs in their minds were more important than we were, and that was hard to swallow. I was determined though to show Arianna that though our parents might have left I never would.
I wanted to tell my sister everything was going to be okay, I wanted to wave some kind of magic wand and have things go back to the way they were before, but that was not going to happen. All I could do was be their for Arianna and pray that she would get through this, pray that we would both get through this, I knew things would change when she got home, she would rely more on me than she ever had, but I did not feel the need to put her care in the hands of others, I would have to hire help of course, but I was going to learn to do for Arianna as well. I never wanted her to feel as if she was being abandoned again.
I found myself fighting feelings of anger and bitterness towards my parents for the fact that they were not here for Arianna, my sister needed them now more than she ever had before, the truth of the matter was we both needed them, but they were gone, left us without a clue to where they were going.
I wanted to have faith, wanted to believe that things would turn out as they should, but that was hard when I found myself fighting the feelings of confusion and anger, as my sister lay paralyzed in a hospital bed, a prisoner in her own body.
“Arianna please don’t give up, I need you.”
“Gabriella what can I do for you?”
“You can be my little sister, you can learn to love life again.”
“I’m a prisoner completely dependent on others.”
“I know and I am sorry for that, I would take your place if I could, believe me I would, but I can’t, and I can’t know what you are feeling, but I want you to know that you are my sister and I love you.”
“I love you too Gabriella and I know you want to help me, but I am so lost.”
“Arianna I feel that way myself, I feel like we are orphaned.”
“I can’t believe they just left us.”
“Me either. I could really use a Mom and Dad about now.” Arianna said with tear brimmed eyes.
“I know Arianna, and I wish I could say they were going to come back, but I can’t help.”
“I miss the time before they were drinking, before they were doing drugs, when they would take us out for ice cream after church on Sundays.”
I wanted to give my sister other promises, tell her that in time our parents would come back to us, that they’d stop drinking, stop doing drugs, but the truth was I could not make promises that I knew I could not keep, our parents were gone and they may never come back into our lives. I had to live with that reality, and all that it implied. I think in some ways though it was harder for Arianna, because she was dealing with the accident and the fact that she could not move, she had always been independent, and now she was having to depend on others for everything.
My sister deserved to have parents who cared about her, parents who would pray her through this tragedy in her life, but neither of us had that. I was the only parent figure she had and it just didn’t make sense because I was not much older than she was, still I was glad I could be part of her life, glad we had each other.
Lord I am trying hard to lean on you, and trying to help Arianna see the importance of her doing the same. I know we can not get through this without you.“Gabriella I don’t want you thinking that I don’t appreciate everything you do for me because I do, and I am glad that I have you, without you I could not get through this.”
“I don’t think that Arianna, I know you love me, and that you are hurting.”
“Thank you for understanding.”
I felt that I should be doing more for Arianna, but I really did not know what more I could do. I certainly could not take on my sisters pain for her, but if I could I would have, and she knew that. I loved my sister, she was all I had, and I was all she had, with our parents gone to who knew where, we needed one another in more ways than we could even count.
Help me to help Arianna through this Lord, this is not a battle we can go through without you.“I’ve had my faith tested Gabriella, and I am not sure I can pass this test.”
“Arianna you are going to get through this, I really believe that.”
“I wish I could believe it, the way you do.”
“Arianna I am going to pray that you get through this, and that you get your faith back.”
“How can a loving Father let this happen?”
“I don’t have the answers Arianna, but I do know that he is a loving Father, and that he wants you to reach out to him.”
I truthfully did not know if I was reaching out to my sister or not, but I did know that I had to continue to pray for her, to show her that I was not going to leave her to fight this battle alone. We needed each other, and I was not about to abandon Arianna, not when she needed me the most, when I needed her the most.