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The Urn and I - by: Linda Law
By Linda Law
Friday, July 25, 2008
Not rated by the Author.
These words were written during the night several years ago. I don't believe they are my words, as my beloved came to me in a dream, and I wrote it as if he were telling me the words line by line... I don't think of it as a poem, altho written that way...it's more of a story... and it has comforted me time and time again. I believe He wants me to move forward and to do so with his blessings. It's been a long, painful path...
THE URN AND I - by: Linda Law
Fifteen inches tall, cylindrically shaped, Heavy bronze, with a majestic presence. Reduced to seven pounds, encased serenely. Where shall I go? What shall I do?
Over half a century filled with memories. Sad, happy, tragic, joyful, painful and fatal. Filled with more perfection ..in my eyes only. What shall I do? Where shall I go?
I've failed those around me by my disappearance. Seems I am needed, coveted, and relied upon. Speak to me, Listen to me. Will you be strengthened? Where shall I go? What shall I do?
Her lips, her soft eyes, and gentle smile. Kept my heart beating, a joyful beat...like a drum. Tender from the beginning, rare and magical. She was who I needed, wanted and made mine.
Their little feet, running toward my open arms. Courageous and strong, yet they needed me. Mine from the onset, although not really. Daddy, Daddy, please don't leave me.
Moving, always roving, yet always safe and stable. Everything they wanted, needed, came freely from within me. Lovingly, they were free to dream, and I would catch them. Now... where shall I go? What shall I do?
Thought there was so much time to fill the dreams. Reach one, then another; always one in the wings. Hand in hand, Heart and heart, Always one. Tomorrow was always forever away. Forever here to stay. Where shall I go? What shall I do?
No warning, no time to hurry and prepare. What if I did not touch my child, or any of the four. Teaching, guiding, nudging, love was deep inside; always bursting even when I didn't realize. I left them nothing, or did I leave them everyting?
Will they understand that I did not want to leave them. My heart was theirs to keep as theirs remain with me. Pride and hope are merely words that cannot describe. No warning. Where shall I go? What shall I do?
She knows I loved her...love her, always and forever. Yet, she is insecure; afraid and feels so guilty. To love another, to need, to want, how can I hold her? Alone, that is not how my love for her should be. What shall I do? Where shall I go?
No promise to never leave her. I could not keep. Not in the physical sense, but somewhere in between. I need to rest, to find my place among the angels. How can she believe that I would forget her needs. Where shall I go? What can I do?
The shock I saw turn to terror then fatal desperation. Became robotic, so sad, not alive, yet she breathes. Shallow, faintly, as if in death herself..she grieved. She grieves. What can I do? Where shall I go?
No, she cannot see me but I am here..never far away. Just until she can breathe without me...slowly breathe. The ache. The emptiness. She is even angry now. Still. Yet we never shared anger...when I was there. What can I do? Where shall I go?
She cannot release me. Has bottled me like a genie. Perhaps rubbing, wishing, dreaming, hoping...I'll appear again. It cannot happen. Even if I want to touch her again. Yet, I whisper in her ear at night, in daylight..always.. What can I do? Where shall I go?
Innocent and kind, loving and gentle...she believes in HIM. Trusts Him, but doesn't. Keeps me within her touch. First the sofa, by her side, then the mantle, where she can view. Won't leave me as I left her, so in the car...I go with her everywhere. What can I do? Where shall I go?
We travel, we shop, we talk, yet I say nothing. Simply listen. From the mantel, from the car, from the sofa, to the bedroom. How can anyone come into her life if I am under the covers. Snuggled close where she can rub me, and hold me tight. That is when she rests. Where shall I go? What shall I do?
She cries, she sobs, she prays, she believes in miracles. I will appear, she knows I will...if she can just convince me. Give up, she's on her way. She won't last long, I read her mind. On a deathwish, my love is sliding, thinks she'll reach me... What can I do? How can I show her?
One morning she awakens, dreamed about me. Thinks she heard me. Tell her that I love her. Want her to breathe again..this time without me. Sun is shining, phone is ringing, friends are calling, life is beginning. Will she make it. Will she trust me once again, to lead her, keep her safe? What shall I do? Where shall I go?
Laughing on the outside, no one understands, but I know she is fooling. Does not care about a love to hold her, simply needs one to protect her. Her needs are simple. She never wants material, only arms to shield. This is not so difficult. Her choices are many, she is surprised. Where will she go? What will she do?
Inside there is more than anyone can see, as she knows the time is near. A date she has set. She lives, she breathes, but only for one year. Her mind is set, and fear is simply just a memory, the poof he appears. White hair, gentle face, sad eyes, strangers..but are they really? Where will she go? What will she do?
A touch, a look, no words need to be spoken. It is sealed. Their lives were meant to be together now. She made a choice. She has to live. Now my time is growing close, she is almost there. No longer close and snuggled..the container that holds me or so she thinks. Must move, slip to the side, on the floor, near but far..but not too... What will she do?
He is kind. Because he needs her, wants her, will love her. She laughs, and I love that sound. Her eyes are green and bright once again, except when she's alone...then I know. Soon, she will choose, and together she will begin to breathe without me. Where will I go?
I don't want to say goodbye. My love for her is endless. She is faithful, always true , now shame and guilt and fear that I will hurt. Not understand. How can I let her go. She needs for me to let her go now. Embrace him, is what she needs.. and for me to love her is to release her. Althougth I whisper in the wind...always near. Keep her within me and she is free and that is how it must be. As if a bird with wings set free ... from me. Where shall I go? What shall I do? I must tell her.
Be happy my love, and fly with angels. Love another, deeply and forever, as you loved me, when we both flew with angels, openly, deeply and forever. My time is gone, not far from you, just far enough to let you go..it must be so. No guilt. No shame. Simply peace and love and trust. You know what to do? Where to go? It's time to let go.
Please let me go my love, and I shall do the same...on this earth, but not forever. We'll meet again, we'll touch again, and the time will be a promised treasure. Take care my love, and I will watch and keep you safe. From up here on the mantel.
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|Reviewed by Seann Vinyasa-Billson
|I really like this Linda. And I like your name too. Often I get my loved ones coming to see me in my dreams. I have lots of dreams that come true also. Including knowing the exact day my grandfather would pass on because he told me in a dream. All the best to you in your healing and moving forward. Keep shining your light. :) Seann|
|Reviewed by 000 000
Your words are those of a tremendously deep and forever love. Your strength comes from him...and your happiness is important! Thank you for sharing your heart in the way only your words can say. You have reached into your broken heart, and pulled to the paper, true sadness and loneliness.
|Reviewed by David Pennebaker
|How deeply moving and romantic this speaks to me. You are truly blessed to love and still be loved by someone so special. You have a great talent with telling a story from your soul. Your heartfelt words touched me deeply. And not to be glib and funny, but you made a grown man cry.|
|Reviewed by Rose Rideout
|Oh Linda this has taken over my heart, You are indeed a beautiful person and you have loved with your whole heart. I can't feel what you have gone through but my heart feels for you. He will always be a part of you and he will always watch over you but believe me he wants for you to be happy and to continue living life to the fullest.
Thank you Linda for sharing with us.
Newfie Hugs from your friend, Rose