Join Free! | Login    
   Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!


Featured Authors:  Deborah Frontiera, iDouglas Skopp, iAlan Cook, iTuchy (Carl) Palmieri, iAllen Smith, iJay Onwukwe, iDr. Stanley Crawford, i

  Home > Humor > Stories
Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Micki Peluso

· + Follow Me
· Contact Me
· Sponsor Me!
· Books
· Articles
· Poetry
· News
· Events
· Stories
· Blog
· 100 Titles
· 255 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
Member Since: Feb, 2008

Micki Peluso, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.

Featured Book
The Electric Pet
by Nina Anderson

Are we compromising our pet's organ functions through the water we are giving them? This book describes the basic supplement needed by our animals to keep them healthy...  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members

Books by Micki Peluso
By Micki Peluso
Monday, September 29, 2008

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

Share    Print  Save   Follow

Recent stories by Micki Peluso
· Views from a Hospital Room
· Lifelong Friends
· Lifelong Friends
· The Day of Reckoning
· My Contra-cultural Marriage and Religious Chaos
· A Christmas Family Portrait
· Out of Touch
           >> View all 41

This is a hysterical story, ala "Bombeck" style f a woman who just can't handle electrical appliances--they seem to really hate her!!


It is a fact of life that all the mechanical lemons of the world end up in my home. I have reason to believe that there is a collective intelligence among electrical appliances that prey on unobtrusive women like myself.

I became suspicious of deliberate sabotage after moving into my first home, with all its modern conveniences. The vacuum cleaner, for instance, only ran in reverse. I never complained, until the day I vacuumed myself out the front door, which had an automatic lock. Three hours later, my husband came home from work and let me in. He tried to convince me the belt was on backwards, but I was reluctant to believe him.

The kitchen appliances were hardest on me, perhaps because I relied on them the most. The blender had twenty-five speeds, and all of them did the same thing - mixed everything together and spewed it across the kitchen. The coffee maker was particularly cruel. I set the timer for 7 A.M. and never got my coffee until 7 P.M. I was impressed with the pot-scrubbing dishwasher, until I realized that it washed only what it felt I needed, grinding the rest into an unrecognizable mess. My sixteen piece china setting was reduced to four in that many weeks. Fortunately, I gave small dinner parties. I gave up completely on the electric can opener. If I wasn't a fresh food fadist, I might have starved to death.

The microwave oven sat smugly on the counter, daring me to try it. The first and only time I used it to defrost a bagel, it flashed HI at me. I never knew what that meant, but it seemed anobvious ploy to intimidate me, reminding me of my neighbor's talking refrigerator. Every time she broke her diet, it told herhusband. They're divorced now.

My well-meaning husband bought me a miniature vacuum, knowing my problems with the upright. It ignored the crumbs on the rug, but greedily sucked up the freshwater pearls that hung from my neck, before it coughed and died. I considered getting an outside job in self-defense. I don't want to tell you what my electric toothbrush did. It was too horrible for words.

I also owned one of the notorious sock-eating washing machines. Mine returned the socks, but only after I threw the survivors away. The machine was a rogue, bent on vibrating itself out of the laundry room, and dragging the hot water tank with it. I had no idea where it planned on going.

When my mother-in-law gave me a whirlpool for my bathtub, I screamed in terror, ran into to my bedroom and hid. The woman never forgave me for marrying her son. I wasn't safe, even there. The air-conditioner tried to freeze me to death in my sleep.

Only my faithful sheepdog shared my aversion to appliances. My husband brought home a set of electric dog grooming scissors, which didn't please either the dog or myself. When I turned them on, they jumped out of my hands and attacked the poor animal, who howled, took off down the street and spent the next two days with neighbors.

Even the iron turned on me, spitting every time I tried to fill it with water, giving me a healthy jolt when I shook it to make it stop. It scorched two out of every three shirts, getting especially steamed up over silk.

I thought that eventually my friends and family would accept the fact that appliances despised me. But no, they just kept buying me more. I threw the electric eyebrow tweezers away as soon as I unwrapped it. The possibilities of the pain it could have inflicted were limitless. I didn't particularly appreciate the weed trimmer I received for Easter, either. It tore across my once lush, green lawn with a mind of its own. After ripping up six feet of sod, it headed for the flower bed, where it neatly decapitated my tulips, roses, and the little ceramic elf that was supposed to bring good luck. In a final splurge of fury, it wrapped around my Dogwood stripling, and strangled itself to death. I sighed and walked back into the house, ignoring the startled looks of my overly inquisitive neighbors.

Don't try and tell me that my appliances weren't vicious. The electric garage door slammed down on me when I was half way into the garage. I swear I never touched the remote control button. Even my car had it in for me. It was a new model with a lot of buttons; entirely too many buttons. All I needed or wanted was OFF and ON. The first time I drove it, windshield wipers danced wildly on a sunny day. The temperature inside the car had to be over a hundred degrees, and messages flashed all around me; fasten seatbelt, close door, get gas, water, oil, etc. I never was able to figure out how to get into the trunk of that car. It suffered a major nervous breakdown on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, and had to be towed away; supposedly because I poured water into the hole where the oil went.

It was rumored from time to time that I was abusive to my appliances. There was absolutely no truth to that. If the vacuum hadn't rebelliously pulled away from me, it wouldn't have fallen down the stairs. And if the food processor hadn't choked on a carrot, I wouldn't have stuck the wooden spatula between the blades and...well, you get the picture. I certainly had nothing to do with the washer's escape attempts. The manual stated quite clearly that the machine could handle two king size pillows, which should equal six regular size pillows. The only time I may have been a touch abusive was when I kicked the refrigerator to make it stop humming. And it worked, although the automatic ice-maker spurted fifty pounds of ice cubes at me in retalliation. No, it wasn't me that was abusive. Appliances hated me.

Initially, I harbored no animosity towards modern conveniences. After generations of roughing it, the human race deserved a little help. I just resented mechanisms that tried to outsmart me.

The computer was good at that. It chewed up discs like fourteen year old boys at a pizza party. To humble me, it flashed SYNTAX ERROR, STOP, and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING, refusing me access to any of my programs. Eventually, I discovered the secret of control--and unplugged it.

Themost recent present I received was an digital calculator. It not only added, subtracted and did calculus, it also called the IRS. I knew then, my days were numbered.

       Web Site: A Writer's Journey

Want to review or comment on this short story?
Click here to login!

Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!

Reviewed by Regis Auffray 12/11/2011
Thank you for the laughs, Micki. I hope you are experiencing more "peaceful" relations with your appliances and such these days. Love and best wishes,

Reviewed by Erin Collins 9/29/2008
Micki, you ARE better than Erma! This had me rolling on the floor!!!!!
Too funny!

Love you!
Erin Collins
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 9/29/2008
Funny story; Erma Bombeck, eat your heart out!! LOL Well done!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :D

Popular Humor Stories
1. Better Late Than Never. ...
2. Duped Net: The Big Brawl
3. Poetic Injustice
4. Nude-Night-Naughty 6
5. The DMV Funnies
6. A Reluctant Father Christmas
7. A Man and His Dog
8. Rose is dead
9. Dealing With The Children. ...
10. Byron Luckipaw, the cat who established th

The Dead Winter Mountain Murders - Part Zero: The Runaway by Mark Sutton

Do serial killers wear loud, hand-knitted jumpers with pictures of fluffy kittens sewn into them? Are they sometimes obsessed with trains? And buses? Is it normal for a serial kill..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

A Large Double-Double Please by Sharon Lockwood

A Large Double-Double Please is a melting pot of ideas and funny anecdotes spun around every aspect of coffee in an attempt to bring two worlds together - the public and the server..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us

Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.