Dear Journal~

Ingrid Schoenfeldter here.  Sorry for not writing; health's been nothing but a constant battle.  Hard to keep positive when you don't know from one day to the next how you are going to feel or what ugly symptom is going to manifest itself in my body.

I have been trying like hell to keep an upbeat attitude; some days it is all I can do to keep from crying.  It seems all I ever do anymore is go to therapy appointments or from one doctor to another, searching for answers, regarding my "condition".

I have applied for disability; don't know if I will get it or not.  I've had people tell me that it's hard to get on; some people have been trying for several years to get on it.  I pray I don't have to wait that long; I have bills to pay!!

I've also had people say it's no problem; it didn't take them long to get on it.  I don't know who to believe; I'm left, feeling more confused than ever (and, believe me, it doesn't take much to get me confused!  LOL).

I guess I will have to pray about it, and I am not much of a praying person.  Oh, I believe in God, but I'm not one of these religious nuts who go crazy and try to convert everyone they see!

I should be grateful, though, even in light of my own situation:  while I may end up getting worse in the long run, what I have isn't exactly fatal.  It's nothing like Lew Gerig's disease (don't ask me to spell the medical name for it!!), where you're dead in a few years.  I still have plenty of years left (I hope)!

I will just have to learn to take the changes as they come and go along with it as best as I possibly can.

I have been meaning to write in my journal; in fact, my one doctor at the MD clinic suggested I write in my journal more often than I do, as a way of dealing with suppressed feelings (anger?  bitterness?  indifference?  bargaining?  denial?) about what I am experiencing with my disease.  He said it would be cathartic, and in time, it would allow me to heal from sadness or whatever strong, powerful feelings I am having.

I don't like having this, this disease, but I should count my blessings.  I'm not dying (at least not yet!), and I still can get around, even though I may use my helpers (wheelchair, cane, crutches, leg braces).  I use them for a reason, and I should be grateful that I can still walk some days (or ride on others).

It's better than lying around in bed, asking everyone to help me!

I got a nice letter the other day from Louisiana Sandusky, my friend in America.  I still have to write to her.  I also have to write to Lindsay Bauer, also from America; she has the same thing I do.  I am a terrible letter writer; some of the letters I've gotten are several months old, and I am sure those people are wondering if I'm a dead thing by now!  LOLOLOL

I just don't like writing letters; in fact, I hate writing, period.  I am a horrid speller, and English is still difficult at best; I'm used to writing in Norwegian!  (I'm getting better at English, but I'm most comfortable reading/speaking/writing in my native Norwegian!)

Well, I am going to go now.  I am getting sleepy; no appointments today; it's a lazy day.  Guess I will go back to bed and sleep some more.  Nothing better to do.  I will write in here again soon; until then, this is Ingrid saying bye bye!  Be good, and take care of yourselves!

~Love, your Norwegian friend, Ingrid Schoenfeldter.  :)