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How NOT to murder your spouse Part Two
By Elad Nostaw
Monday, July 29, 2002
Act Three (The Trial)
"Let me outa here!" The eight inch Elad screamed from behind the bars. "I'm innocent, I tell ya!"
The cops in the other room snickered as he said that.
"Hey Joe! Go get Elad. He's wanted in court," said the sergeant.
As the tall policeman entered the jail, he took Elad by his tiny collar, picked him up and then moved him to the next room. They had a small chair waiting for him. After a few minutes he was escorted in and handcuffed to a paper weight on the defendants table where his lawyer awaited him. He was forced to sit on several thick books in order to view the proceedings. Earlier, to no avail, his defense attorney had objected to this spectacle as cruel and unusual punishment stating "Forcing the Defendant to be displayed in this manner would prejudice the jury." He was over ruled by the judge and the trial made headlines.
Outside, a media circus had ensued. The crowd was unruly and the population of Luckyville had increased by 30 fold for what was termed the "Trial Of The Century." Barbecues were held in his honor as the poor Elad was expected to be found guilty, sentenced to die and fried in the electric chair all within a mere week. Elad's only hope lay in the fact that his lawyer, Johnny "I could sell ice cubes to Eskimos" Cocharan, had lots of experience in defending psychotic dwarves. Only months before, he had rescued "Mighty Moe, The Don of the Dwarf Underworld, from certain death by establishing that the electric chair provided five times the voltage required to kill a dwarf humanely. For this, the govt. provided $5 billion dollars as a grant to Hector Illuminate to determine the harmful effects of 20,000 volts on a dwarf body. That bought another 5 years in the appeals process to Mighty Moe's case. In the end, they reduced the sentence of the Don to 5 years due to the fact that a dwarf only lives 1/5 as long. With good behavior, he'll be out in a year.
"Hear ye, oh hear ye. The 5th circuit court is now in progress. The Honorable Judge Lucas Ito presiding: Hang 'em high and let 'em swing. All stand! God Bless The Great State of Texas."
The crowd stood as the judge entered and "The Yellow Rose of Texas" was played.
"All seated." The bailiff cried.
"Elad Nostaw! How do you plead?" asked the Judge.
He pleads 'Innocent by reason of insanity, your honor!" stated the Defense.
"Yeah, I'm innocent! I'm the devil and I don't need to kill anyone. They always kill themselves...." stated Elad with impunity.
"You see, your honor. He's obviously insane!" The defense offered up.
"I am not. I'm the devil. Untie my hands and I'll prove it to you!" said Elad.
"Don't do it your honor. He bit one person already and while handcuffed. Think about what he could have done if he had those cuffs off," said the jailer.
"Your honor, we'd like to add 437 more charges. We think he's a serial killer," added the DA.
"Let me see the list of charges......Hmmmmm.......why some of these happened in the 1890's. How could he have done those? the judge asked.
"He claims he's the devil your honor. If he gets to claim that, I'm pinning every charge open on my books against him." The DA answered back.
"Request denied but you can add in the ones that involved human sacrifice." The Judge responded.
"Hey, You can't do that, Judge" The defense protested. "There's no evidence he was even around then.
"Do you have any other motions for the defense before the trial begins?" asked the judge.
"Your honor...if it pleases the court...I'd like to declare a mistrial. In no uncertain terms, can Elad get a fair trial here. He is insane and not fit to stand trial. Not one jury has ever accepted the insanity plea in the state of Texas and he is on trial for murdering 1% of the towns population. How can that be fair? Everyone here is probably a relative." The defense protested.
Slam, Slam went the gavel!
"Shaddup sir! You are out of order. If I hear an outburst like that again, I'll sentence you to 30 days in the hoosecal. Now sit your carpet-baggin ass back in your seat and be quiet until it's your turn!" Cried the judge in a firm voice. "Bailiff, call the first witness."
The DA stands and calls Big Mike.
As Big Mike enters the witness booth the bailiff says: "Place your hand on the bible and repeat after me....Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
Big Mike places his hand on the bible (Fingers crossed) and says "I do!"
"Your honor...I object. He had his fingers crossed!" objected the defense attorney.
"You sir are trying my patience. Bailiff, silence that man," answered the judge.
The bailiff duct taped Johnny's mouth shut but not before he silently protested by mumbling.
"Proceed Mr. Prosecuting Attorney," states the judge.
"Big Mike can you describe what happened to you on November the 8th of last year at 8 A.M?" Asked the DA.
"On November the 8th?" asked Big Mike.
"Yes, November the 8th." Stated The DA again.
"Well, my wife and I were having sex and she was trying out her new vibrator on me." He stated smiling.
"Excuse me, Judge....errr November the 9th Big Mike." He said looking over his dates once again.
"Oh...That's the date I came home and found my wife dead. And that little guy there" He points to Elad "was covered in blood and Pizza Sauce. In my kitchen were six other bodies, and he used my new craftsman sledge hammer to kill them all." States Big Mike.
The DA holds up the sledge hammer which is 5 times taller than the small Elad and out weighs him by 14 pounds. The jury looks it over and one even uses it to mimic bashing someone and then looks at the short of stature Elad in disgust. The judge then excused Big Mike as the Defense cannot mount a case due to the fact that his mumbling didn't make sense.
The next witness for the prosecuting attorney is a forensic scientist. He rises and trips entering the witness booth as a pint bottle of whiskey slides across the floor falling from his pocket.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God!" states the bailiff.
"I...did......I will......I errr.....do!" He says stuttering over the courts loud speaker.
"What did you find at 3232 Westmoreland Lane on November 9th," asks the DA
"Well, six bodies. They had all been hit on the head and deducing from the pizza splatters it either had to be someone tall....or a dwarf standing on a chair. We found six chairs in the kitchen and from that we were able to determine that a dwarf could have done it. Later we found pizza sauce splatters on the defendant and with the use of DNA sampling conducted on the sauces we were able find out that they must have originated in a plant in New Jersey someplace," said the forensic expert.
"New Jersey?" said the judge. "Get a rope!"
"Wait, your honor...there's more," added the DA
"Do tell....then proceed," added the judge.
"What else did you find?" The DA asked the forensic expert.
"We found tiny fingerprints on the handle of the sledge hammer," expressed the forensic expert.
Look at big Mike!" The DA directed the jury.
As the jury looks his way, Big Mike places his Tiny Little Hands below the table but the damage is done. From his size they will never guess he has tiny hands. They then look at Elad, who's hands are cuffed to a paper weight on the top of the table that he is incapable of moving. Shocks from the jury reverberate about the room. Even the press is disgusted and Elad, now frightened, turns pale as the newspaper reporters photograph him at his worst.
"I'm innocent" Elad claims leaping up on the table and yanking up and down on the cuffs holding him bound. "I was just trying to do him a favor."
"Bailiff, restrain that dwarf!" the judge screams.
The Jury leaves their box and no sooner than the door had closed behind the last one, than it opened again with all twelve jurors filing back through the door.
"Guilty, your honor!" cries the jury foreman.
"Hey that's not fair" screamed Elad. "They weren't even gone 5 seconds! I want an appeal. I want a stay of execution. I want to talk to the governor............ and his wife too. Elad honks the horn on the table before him imitating Harpo Marx."
"Elad Nostaw. You have defiled the State of Texas' laws and the Governor's wife. It is the determination of this court that you be held without bond and until such time as we can cut the legs off our electric chair to accommodate you better. Then you will be taken to the Town Square where not only will we electrocute you until dead, but we will publicly broadcast the execution." Said the Judge.
"God bless the great state of Texas. OK now everyone is free to go. There will be an electrocution reception in the break room at Five PM."
Elad is hauled off protesting his innocence!
"I'm Innocent. Honest I am." He said.
Once back in the jail amongst his fellow inmates, Elad relaxes. It's a sad day for him and Bubba in the cell next to him, breaks out his harmonica and begins playing a blues song. Elad, dances a little tap dance as the music fills the cells about him. A small tear almost forms on his cheek just before it bursts into steam.
Meanwhile, in the judges chamber, a party is going on.
"Hey Judge. We just found some evidence that might acquit Elad." said an honest cop.
"What is it?" asked the judge.
"A bloody glove we found four miles away in a garbage dump. It has Big Mikes name stitched in it. It seems Big Mike's wife liked doing that kind of thing to him. He even has Big Mike stitched into his underwear." replied the cop.
"Well, bury it! Replied the Judge. "The town wants an electrocution and I'm not depriving them of it. I have an election coming up, for Christ sakes."
Meanwhile not too far away in a jail, Elad dances awaiting his electrocution. He starts singing along with Bubba's music. Elad can't cry and so Bubba cries for him. All of the other death row inmates cry for him. They weep for Elad!
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|Reviewed by Donna Maris
|hahahahah. johnny cochran? and he loses a case that involved a glove? LMFAO.
Im sure if there was a race card- it has to do with a car race, right? really lmao.- DM