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Choco Moody

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Member Since: Dec, 2010

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At least if you ever felt the same
By Choco Moody
Friday, December 10, 2010

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Can you imagine how hard it would be to find out that you are not fit to the place where you actually were borned ?

 Can you imagine if someday you woke up and felt like you are not belong to the place where you have been spending your life for almost 25 years? If someday you have some thought that things which is moving around you are not fit your personalities at all. If somedays you found out that you have been pretending to be someone that is not you for almost your life time and you cannot pretend to be that one anymore. If someday you find out that you are the one who undergo all the facts, what are you going to do ? Will you try to accept that you are having different perceptions or presonalities and continuous your life struggleing in the place ? Or , Will you open your chance and go find the place where would be somewhat suit you better than it is where you are belong right now?

I think I am that one who struggle from it, and I do not blame anyone or anything that make me felt it this way. I woke up one day and found out that maybe I am not belong to where I am anymore. When this notion came into my mind, I was so scared, I do not know if what I though was right but at least I do not felt any comfortable in where I am. Can you imagine how hard it would be to find out that you are not fit to the place where you actually were borned ?

I have been spending my life in a small town with my family. I did not feel any suffers when I was a kid because my parents made everything as comfort as they could for me and my sisters so that I did not feel what it was surround me is so stranges. Besides I was too young to recognized or else I am pretending that I am not different. I had a lot of friends when I was in high school, I could say that it easy for me to have a friend because most of the girls like to hang out with me. It was about girls things; cloths, shoes, bags. I do not deny that I do not like that fashion, but maybe I do not like it that much. If I do not pretending, I would have a chance to spend sometime outside with outdoor activities and I would found it that I like it more than dress up and hang out with some friends at the department store.

I continuous my childhood as normal as everyone did until I had a chance to spend a year in other country and that I felt a big change in my life. People said that it was not easy to live comfortably in other country where they have different culture and different way of living and I have no argue for that either. However, it surprise me that, I did not feel it that way at the time when I was Belgium, the country which is totally different to the country where I had been living for 17 years. I lived with my incredibly lovely host family. They have five children with one of them is handicap. I am really feel thankful for them to have me in their family. I have learn many things from them. They really did treat me as one of their own children. I felt as comfort as I was at home. Besides, I could say that it was in different ways. They taugh me the simply way of living which was not simply and I would not have had known if I was in my own family. They taugh me how to take care of myself.

At that time, I have no idea what am I going to do if I have to go to bangkok alone and I do not think I can do it. Well, at least I do not have to think about it because neverthesless, My parents will not around me to go and will not giving me any reasons why.!! I do not blame them for that reaction, all because they love me and they do not want me to get in to troubles and that is why. At that time, as an early teenager I did not understand them because they never talk to me or at least give me any reasons. I can say that in Thailand in general, this is quite common that children can not make an argue with adult. It will show unrespected manner. Most of the time, when children wanted to share the idea, they will not allow to do it or if they can say what they think, no one would hear it. This is one of the situation that I do not think it is right. It will frame childern's behaviour and Children's perception to be affrid of asking question which I think it is important to be able to ask question if someone do not understand something. It will be better if they be able to ask question they do not understand, not just smile and do not know what to do next.

On the other hand, the first conversation I had with my host family is that, they asked me “ Where would you like to go for the weekend?” I told them “ I wanted to go to Bussel” then they said , I should go during the weekend. They suggested that if I need some accompany then I should make some appointment with some friends. This conversation alerted me the changing in my life. I never go somewhere that far alone and this is worse because I hardly be able to communicate with them in Flimish, the language they use in some part of Belgium. I never though that I would be able to face the situation alone at least my parents will help me if I am with them. It will not be possible this time, I am half of the world far from them. I also have learn so many things apart from that. I have learn to slove the problem, not to ignore it and asking question is one of the thing that help. I have learn to take care of myself before asking someone to help. I have learn that people are different so that judged someone else are not the right thing to do. Be respected in people's though is somthing that one should have. Do not complain so many things in life because that will make things worse. After a while I enjoys my life so much in belgium. Times passed thought so fast, I will have to go back to Thailand soon. Actually, I am so happy that I will be back home soon, people can not imagine how much they miss their own family except when they were far from home that long.

I felt a lot of changing in me after a while since my return. I do not know how to behave to satisfy people around me and myself in the same time. It flustered me the way they want me to behave and the way I think it was the right thing to do. You will not be happy and it is hard to be part of the society that it was not you anymore. You can not acted against every situations that you are not agree, in the same time, it is hard to just accept and igonre it.

Maybe it was not the place that I am struggled for but it is what it is. I will have to figured out the way to handle it. I do not mind to learn new things maybe what I though was wrong. Therefore, If there are two question to answer, “will you try to accept the fact that you are having different perception or presonality and continuous your life struggleing in the place ?” Or , “will you open your chance and go find the place where would be somewhat suit you better than it is where you are belong right now?”. I will firmly go for the second one. You will not know the answer at least you have try.              

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