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Lesa Donovan

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A Life After Near Death
By Lesa Donovan
Friday, October 04, 2002

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The day of August 17th, 2002, started out as any normal day. Little did I know, my life was changed forever. I was talking on the Internet to my friend of a year, Jordan. He was leaving for China in 13 days and I wanted to talk to him as much as possible. Somehow the conversation became lustful. He told me he wanted me to come down to Arizona because he had feelings for me. I was so happy and elated because I felt the same way. After that, my life went from great to just wanting to HAVE a life.
I was breaking all the rules. My dad told me to go to sleep at 11:00 pm, and I almost did. I stayed online after 11:00pm because two interesting people came in the chat room I was in and started telling me about plays, history and literature. They knew I was 14 but treated me like an adult. All I craved in life was to be treated like an adult. At 4:00 am, when I finally got off the Internet, all I felt like was a tired adult. Time passed and I got o know more about both of those people.
I go to know Jordan the most, or at least I thought I did. He seemed like a such a great guy and he knew so much. He taught me about life and how to handle it. Jordan told me about books and cultures of his family. He told me what Mexico was like and the people, places and sights of the world. I told him so much about my life and my family. He knew I trusted him with my whole heart. He knew how to take advantage of me without me knowing it.
As time went on, I started to develop feelings for him, feelings that shouldnít happen. I knew it was wrong. He was 15 and a half years older than me, but it didnít seem that way. He listened to my problems, cared about my life and gave me advice that was to be taken as an adult. The advice that should have been taken was never given to me at all.
I finally told him how I felt and it all went downhill from there. He didnít acknowledge how I felt for weeks, which made me feel worse. He finally acknowledged them the night of August 17th. We had been doing some harmless flirting but that night it was far from harmless.
He knew my feelings on the topic of sex, but somehow, my feelings started to change. He realized that and told me he wanted to be my first. I was so happy because it meant someone cared about me. He knew that I wanted my first time to be special, so he planned a lot of different things that we would do. I was to go down there for a week after I turned 18. He said it was up to me and I could always change my mind as to whether or not I wanted to go down there. He also told me not to tell anyone what we were going to do. He told me that since he was leaving, he could take more chances. That right there should have told me something, but I ignored it.
On August 30th, Jordan left for China. He went there to teach English as a second language in a town called Dalian. He was so excited and couldnít wait to leave. He was a big traveler and wanted to go places in life. I was told the two years would go quickly and that we could be together after that. I was sad and angry he was leaving me at such an important time in my life, but I knew he wanted to go so I wasnít going to stop him. I waited until the next day to tell someone what we were planning. That turned out to be my smartest move.
Something told me that I needed to tell someone what was going on. My heart knew it was wrong and wanted people to know. I told me friend Erik and he became very angry. He was so angry with Jordan for telling me how he felt. Erik said that Jordan was just using me and wanted to hurt me. I was so angry, but yet I believed him. Erik knew by the things Jordan told me, like not telling anyone, saying it my decision and waiting until I was 18. Erik made me realize what Jordan was doing was wrong and that I needed to tell someone more influential. That part turned out to be one of the hardest parts of all.
When trying to decide who was the most influential in my life, it came out to be a surprise. My friend Robert was the answer. He is like a second father to me, and was the second person I met in the chat room the night I met Jordan. When I told Robert online about the plan, he told me to call him because he had something personal to tell me. I was scared out of my mind, but I listened to what he had to say. What he told me is not appropriate for this composition, but I believed every word of it. Robert then told me that I should go to the authorities, but I didnít want to. I didnít want anyone else to know how stupid I was. I just went to school the next day as if nothing happened.
The next day was September 3rd and Jordanís lies were all I could think about. I finally broke down and told Mr. Grundman 2nd hour. He called a detective after I told him the full story. The detective came and talked to me at school. I had to tell the story again, and it didnít get easier. The detective told me that there was nothing the police could do. I was devastated. I had gone through so much and it was all for nothing. The detective told me that he would do all he could and find out the background information on Jordan, but it wasnít likely theyíd find anything. He told me I should try to get on with my life and do I normally do. It was the classic answer, but it didnít mean anything.
From that day on, I felt terrible, and I still do. I just wanted my life back. I want to be carefree, naÔve and have dreams. All my dreams have been crushed because they all revolved around me leaving home. I might not be able to go to Atlanta for college because my parents are too worried. I have to take on a whole new identity, which means changing my screen name every few weeks. Iíve already changed it at least four times, and I still have one year and 10 months to go before he gets back. Iím paranoid all the time and think someone is watching me and waiting for me. Worst of all, I have nightmares. Nightmares about getting kidnapped and getting hurt by Jordan because I told. My support staff has fallen away and I have no one. I craved an adult life, and now all I want is to be a child.

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