This feels so pointless, tiny babies can sit up and I am struggling to do this. I am not sure if things will ever get any better?No matter how many times I closed my eyes and wanted to wake up from this dream I could not, because it wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t a nightmare something I could just wake up from this was something I was living. I could not pretend this was the plot to one of my novels, because it was far from that. This was my life, and the Lord was telling me the plotline was never really done, and I did not have the control of this, the way I did of the characters in my book. I could not wake up and find this was some sort of nightmare, because it was not.
I woke up feeling helpless. I did not want to feel sorry for myself or feel like I was wallowing in self pity, but it seemed my emotions kept going back to that. I needed to move on, but I did not know how.
My world had gone from bright blue skies to gray skies and I wasn’t sure how I could handle it.
I had to move on though I knew Leanna was right I could not give up before even trying and that was exactly what I was doing.
I did not want to just crawl into a hole and let myself die, I knew that. Yet it seemed like I was doing just that, crawling in a hole and dying.
Lord I need strength, I need courage. I feel so helpless. I don’t do well depending on others for what I have been doing for myself from the time I was a tiny child.Each morning when I woke up I realized just how helpless I felt, it was getting to the point that I hated waking up. In my dreams, I could run, I could walk, my life had not been turned upside down, but here I was laying in a hospital bed paralyzed.
Paralyzed! It was still hard to phantom. I was having a hard time understanding a lot of this.
My whole world had changed in a matter of seconds.
I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that in just a matter of seconds everything could change. And it didn’t always go back to normal in a matter of minutes, the way it did in movies. In fact it never did.
Instead you often had to learn to live with a new normal, whatever that meant.
I was not sure of much of anything at the moment. My life had been turned upside down and I was not sure if I would ever be able to turn it around.
Don’t give up hope!The mantra kept playing in my ears, but why was I doing just that? At least if felt like I was giving up hope. Leanna was right about one thing for sure I could not give up hope before I even started fighting. I had to remember God had control of my life, but was letting myself slip away from him.
My faith had carried me through a lot in my life, but nothing like this. This was not like having a book you worked hard on rejected. I was having to face a new way of living life. It wasn’t something I could “fix” by rewriting a plot, or fixing a few errors, this was more serious than that. I was going to have to face life in a chair, and at the moment I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to do that.
Don’t give up! Lean on me!“Chey it may not seem like it now, but you are going to get through this.”
Why was I having so much trouble leaning on the Lord? Why could I not see the wonderful things he had done in my life?
“I wish I could have as much faith in myself as you do in me Leanna.”
“I have faith in you, because you know when to lean on the Lord, and because the Lord made you a strong individual. You are stronger than even you realize.”
“Well at the moment I feel as helpless as an infant.”
“Cheyene if you work on it, it will get better, you will become more independent.”
“I won’t walk again.”
“If God wants you to walk again, you will. But no matter what you are going to get through this.”
“I want to believe that Leanna, I really do, but right now I am not sure I can.”
“Chey, put your mind to it and you will.”
“I’m trying Leanna, do you really think I want to be so down on life?”
“No I don’t Chey, and I don’t expect it to be easy for you either, but you are a fighter, and I know you can fight harder than you have been.”
“I really wish I believed that.”
“Chey your not trying, how do you know how things are going to go if you don’t try?”
Leanna had a point there. Though I really did not want to admit at the moment. I was to upset, and angry, not so much at her, but at the situation.