“Cheyenne you still believe God has a plan for you don’t you?”
“I don’t know what I believe anymore Leanna. I mean deep down I know he has a plan for me, but right now I am struggling. Will this ever get any easier?”
“Chey I’m not in your shoes, but I do believe the Lord will help you through this.”
“I wish I felt as certain of that, as you do at the moment.”
“Cheyenne don’t give up. I know I keep telling you that, but I don’t want to see you giving up before you even really start fighting. I know the good Lord has something better than that planned for you.”
Lord I know she’s right! I can’t keep feeling like giving up, but I am so angry, I am so mad at the world right now. I don’t mean to be going off on those I care about, but lately that’s exactly what I feel like doing.“I know I shouldn’t give up Leanna, I don’t want to, but I really don’t know what I am supposed to do. My whole world is turned upside down.”
“You can still live your dreams, you want to be a novelist, you will soon have two books published. You can still write.”
“I haven’t been able to write since this happened. It’s like the creativity was sucked right out of me.”
“Have you really tried Cheyenne?”
She had me there. The truth was I really had not tried, but I had not felt motivated to try either. I was just trying to focus on one minute to the next, trying to get through the therapy sessions that frustrated me, and facing the fact that barring a miracle I would never walk again while on this earth.
Lord they say you never give us more than we can handle, but right now I am not really feeling like I am handling this to well. How am I supposed to handle this? This isn’t something I can fix.
No matter how many times I closed my eyes and then prayed to wake up it did not happen. I was still paralyzed, lying in a hospital bed, so dependent on others for the most basic of needs. I was told I’d get stronger and that I would become more independent, but that could not come soon enough for me.
I did not do needing help to well. The truth was at times I could be downright stubborn about it. When people tried to help I tried to push away. Why did I do that?
“I didn’t think so Cheyenne, just try, put pen to paper and start writing. You might be surprised what comes from that. Didn’t you once tell me that writing was a lot like therapy for you, that it helped you make sense of things you might not otherwise understand?”
“Yeah I told you that once, but things are different now, I wasn’t lying in a hospital bed, paralyzed then.”
“Chey the harder you work the sooner you will be out of that hospital bed.”
“I’m scared of that too.”
“Chey I am going to help you through this, but you have to help yourself too.”
“I know Leanna, but I wish I didn’t need help.”
“We all need help from time to time, so you can let go of that superwoman façade now.”
“Leanna I just don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore.”
“You can start by putting your trust in the Lord. He wants to help you through this, but you are constantly battling with him.”
My best friend knew me to well.“I wish it were as easy as you make it sound Leanna.”
“You have no idea what I am going through Leanna.”
“Your right Chey, I don’t, but how am I supposed to know anything if you keep pushing me away. I want to help you. I can’t be there for you, if you don’t let me.”
“I’m sorry Leanna, I know you are trying to help. I don’t mean to be so mad all the time, but I just can’t help it.”
“Chey its okay, I’m not taking it personally, but others might.”
“I know and I feel bad, I don’t want to be this way.”
“Cheyenne I keep telling you, you need to give it to the Lord.”
“I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work.”
“Have you really tried?”
“Yes I have.”
“Chey you are talking to me.”
“Okay, I guess I could try harder.”
Once again Leanna made good points. I was glad that she was trying to help me through this. I knew I had a good friend in her, but I had been having trouble showing her my appreciation, because I was so wrapped up in what had happened to me. The accident had changed so much and I was trouble dealing with it.
Would I ever feel normal again?“Chey that’s all anyone can ask of you.”
Did being able to walk have to define normal?
“I’m sorry Leanna.”
“For being so hateful lately. I appreciate that you are trying to help me. I don’t want you to think I don’t.”
“It’s okay Chey, I know you are upset and having to deal with a lot. You have the right to be upset, but don’t let what happened define you.”
“I’m trying not to Leanna, but I hate the idea of needing help through this.”
“Chey there are worse things than asking for help when you need it.”
“I know, your right.”
Lord help me through this! I can’t do this alone I know that now, and I am sorry that I have been so miserable to everyone. I know this was an accident, and we can not place blame but this is hard, I am trying to come to terms with this. And I am going to need all the help I can to do that.