I have been having a very hard time these past several weeks (okay, months).
I have been pounding the pavement every day, in the hope of finding any kind of employment, but to no avail. I remained jobless ... that was, until just a few days ago. It looks like the scenario might very well change: I may have a job sooner than I think!
I walked in to an auto parts store, where I filled out a job application. I guess the guy at the front desk could see the desperation in my eyes, that I was looking for work, as he scheduled an interview for me. He said I seemed to show promise and determination.
The interview is at four thirty this afternoon.
My wife is very proud of me for not giving up hope. You know something? I am very proud of myself, too. :)
I've also been wrestling with my innermost feelings about God. Maybe God isn't as bad as I've made Him out to be. In fact, my wife tells me that He cares about what I've been going through and even though I've been very ugly and nasty to Him ever since my life fell apart, God still loves me and He has never left me ... no, not even once!
I am finally beginning to see that all of the problems I had were ones I'd brought upon myself and instead of 'fessing up like a man, I pinned all my anger/blame/frustrations on God. I didn't want to have anything to do with Him.
Wrong thing to do.
I paid a heavy price; it was like God was punishing me for acting like such a selfish, conceited asshole.
Guess I deserved it. And now I suddenly felt guilty. Very guilty. I felt like the world's worst sinner. I felt unclean. Dirty.
If I get this job at the auto parts store, I'm gonna get right down on my knees tonight and beg God to forgive me for being such a fool. I'm gonna "set things right" with God and try to follow Him, as I should have done all along.
If this goes well, I might even go to church with the little woman on Wednesday night and go down front and ask Christ to come into my heart. I've not gotten anywhere on my own: what could possibly happen if I ask Jesus to come into my life? Life has gotta be better than the one I've lived so far ...
And if I get this job at the auto place, I am gonna do the best I can and give God all the glory and praise!
Say some heavy duty prayers for me ... I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks in advance, and God: thanks for not giving up on me and giving me another chance to redeem myself!
~To be continued.~