Maybe it was because I was sexually abused from at least the age of fourteen and down through my younger years (the earliest I remember is five) by not one but five different people who were supposed to be looked at as family (it is a secret that will be taken to my grave if I haven’t already told you); or maybe because I felt unloved and wanted attention. Maybe because I didn’t feel good about myself because I was told that I looked like a duck and called butter ball when I hit puberty and started developing breast, hips and a big butt; Maybe it was because I watched my grandfather get so drunk that he would fall down the steps (thank God he got delivered from alcohol a demon that played all sides of my family-yep a generational curse). Or maybe because I had created jealousy of my little brother because he always got the new in style clothes and I always had to share my clothes with my mother (until I got old enough to buy them for myself); Maybe it was because I was always being compared to other cousins and had to share barrettes and hair do’s. Maybe it was just because I had to take a bath in the same bath water that my mother did right after she got out of the tub; Or maybe it was because I felt that my mother hated the fact that I was born, ruined her life and caused her to miss out on so much of her own life; Maybe it was because I always felt like I was just taking up space in this world since I always felt like a second class citizen squatting; or maybe because I cried myself to sleep and contemplated suicide only for my brother to talk me out of OD’n on pills and/or slitting my wrist; Maybe it was just because my father never came around and didn’t want me; and my stepfather physically abused my mother, eventually giving me my first black eye and nose bleed; Or just maybe because the guy who I gave my virginity to (not really even knowing I was a virgin or how to be one because of the sexual abuse), made me feel embarrassed because he said that I was “tight”, and not in the good slang way.
Whatever it was… When I jumped into getting married I saw it as a way of escape, yet I didn’t realize how serious of a situation I was getting into. I had gotten married when I shouldn’t have…too soon and not in God’s biblical order for my life. Although, if I hadn’t, I might not have written this book
-or gained a real testimony, or learned my purpose in life.
From the verbal, mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse, I became an even more damaged woman. The devil had already left his bags in my life and I suppressed issues. Issues that would mess up just about every romantic relationship that I would be in and cause me to attract the wrong type of man to me and settle for them and their issues.
I had become a woman who became afraid to be alone because of the dependency developed by my ex __________ (husband, supposed to be husband, thought to be husband –you fill in the blanks).
It scared off guys no matter how good or bad for me they were. Tyler Perry said it best-“some people are in your life for a season and some for a lifetime”. I sometimes wonder how many potential lifetimes, I had pushed away and conversely how many seasons I kept around way too long.
I had people at churches where I attended ignore situations at hand, and even my family thought that I was the CRAZY one in my marriage. The more I cried out, the more the devil had pulled the covers over their eyes-everyone’s eyes-even mine and pretty much caused me to want to leave this world sooner than God had planned for me to- again.
I once heard someone say that the devil will use someone close to you to hurt you…and that’s what I always found to be true . The more I thought about it, the more I had to get my mind reconditioned. I had to work harder than most not to totally lose my mind.
Thanks be to God who had my life’s purpose in His hands and gave me time to realize Him and His purpose for me. I see now that I had to go through an abusive marriage and the situations that occurred from it because of all of the people God has sent my way since this has happened. I was like the woman in the Bible who had the issue of blood and had to press her way through a crowd of people to see Jesus. My blood issue was life and my crowd was life’s circumstances. Yet, Jesus was there all along and welcomed me into His loving arms, time and time again.
WOW! Over a four and a half year time span, I had been homeless, evicted from almost every residence I had called home --three different places, four if you count my cousin’s house (indirectly); used for the little bit of money that I did come across; hungry; smoking cigarettes and “blacks”, weed, and drinking; felt lonely and like I didn’t fit in; I contemplated suicide; I was depressed, felt worthless; disrespected, angry, violent, desperate, called vulnerable and gullible I experienced three house raids within six months in 2005 (still not totally sure why). I had to deal with shyster types of landlords, lost two cars, been in debt, been to visit people in and out of prisons, cried off and on, I felt like I was in a whirlwind. I came within feet of a dead body just off the machines in the hospital not in a casket and I lived in a house with not one but two cremated bodies in a box. I attracted men who really didn’t care about me and often lied saying that they loved and cared about me and to top it all off, I was unattached from a church so I church hop’d and I could say so much more but…
Just to become a completely whole woman now….
Thank you God!