I saw Star laying in the hospital bed, and I felt helpless. I had not been able to stop them from having to amputate. Even after her Father was gone it seemed somehow he managed to bring her fear, to make her afraid of what was happening to her, and now this. I could not help but wonder how Star had made it this far. With all she had been through, it was amazing she was with us, but I was certainly glad she was. Star was my little sister, adopted or not it did not matter.
Lord she has been through so much, how much can one person go through before they break? She’s only thirteen Lord, and she has experienced more than some will in eight decades of life. It saddens me to think about it, but that’s the way it is.“Why is this happening to me Hope?” Star asked after she had woken up. Mom had run to the Cafeteria to get some Coffee and to talk with Dad.
“Am I really so bad that I am being punished like this?”
“Star this is not punishment.”
“Hope it feels like my entire life has been punishment.” Star said sadly. “Now they have taken my leg as well.”
“Star you are going to get through this.”
“I am not so sure Hope, I feel like I have had everything taken from me, piece by piece, it’s being taken from me.”
Lord she is without Hope, help her to see that there is Hope in this situation.“Star it is not some kind of punishment, you have done nothing wrong.”
“I feel that way though.”
I felt bad for Star, my sister laying in a hospital bed unsure of what was happening to her and why. Feeling as if she was being tortured, abused once again, when in fact they were only trying to help her to save her. The fact was I wondered if she wanted saving though, at times it seemed like she wanted to curl up and die, a sad way for a thirteen year old to feel. A sad way for anyone to feel.
Lord she can not get through this alone. No one can get through these things alone, but in some ways it feels that is exactly what she is trying to do but Lord you can show her you love her that you are going to help her through this.“Star this doesn’t have to be the end, you lost your leg, but you are alive, you are only thirteen you have a lot of living left to do.”
“It feels like the end to me sometimes. I don’t know how I am supposed to go on.”
“Star people can live life with one leg.”
“Hope I know that, it is the scars, the other scars, the scars that are from my heart that I can not bare.”
“Star you do not have to do this on your own. God is with you, and we want to help you through this.”
“I do not know Hope, I am scared. I am scared. I do not want to be scared, I want to be strong.”
“Star you are one of the strongest people I know, I am proud that you are my little sister.”
“I do not feel very brave, I feel scared, every time I close my eyes I see his face. My Father haunts me even from the grave.”
“He can not hurt you anymore though Star.”
“I know that but he still scares me.”
I could not begin to imagine what it must like to fear you Father in such a way, even after he was dead, he haunted Star, but he was no longer her Father, he never truly was. He was a monster. I did not know the man, but I knew Star, and I saw the scars, inside, and I was starting to see the one’s she had tried to hide too. I was starting to see beyond what she was hiding.
Lord help me reach out to Star to be a good sister to her. I do not want Star to feel as if she is alone and I know sometimes she feels exactly that way. I want Star to know that she is free from the monsters of her past, that she is safe with us. I am sorry she is having to go through all of this, but please show her that does not diminish your love for her, or the fact that we love her.“I am sorry you had to go through all of this Star.”
“It is not your fault.”
“Star you do not see that you are a strong person, you survived through things that many would not have survived.”
“Sometimes I wonder why I did not die, perhaps it would have been better if I had died.”
“Star God had a reason for keeping you here, and you are safe with us now.”
“I know that but sometimes the fear makes me unable to understand that.”
Lord thank you in advance for giving me the strength to help her Star through this. I know that I can help her but I can not do that without your help and your blessing Lord, Thank you for everything. I love you and I praise you.“Star we love you and we are going to do everything in our power to help you. You are the little sister, I have spent my life praying for, and now I am blessed with that. I want to do everything I can to help you through this.”
“I don’t know.” Was all I could say. I wanted to give Star more than that, but I could not. I could not give her the answers I did not have myself nor could I take back what was happening to her.