Taking my feet out of my slip-on Uggs and into tight boots, I slowly prepare my mind for the wind in my face, seatbelts and a torent of shuffling people, looking eye-to-eye, not forgetting my sunglasses and lipstick, we are out the door. Grocery shopping time and go with my most tolerant of men. I promised I would get out this time. So, once buckled in, I'm half-way there. The sweating and chills escalate into a torrent of anxiety. Walking down the aisle of sodas and beernuts was just one aisle from the frozen food section. I shivered. The end of the line went fast – ahh relief. Sick no more. Home James. I survived without further ado. My favorite food, cereal, and back into pjs, the remote, iced tea and e-cig in hand and I'm home where I belong.
I said nothing until I did 4 more xanax (knowing I only needed 2) but I had to laugh because he believed me, and accepted it. Feeling hilarious for just a few brief seconds made my entire body surrender and accept. From rags to riches to rags again in 45 seconds, enroute emotional waves. Ugg time, all the time. I am not totally secure without my pajamas on and near my bed. The two quiet cockatiel birds are chirping. They want to back to their nest. We all have nests. It's the best place, like the womb again. Hanging out on the pillows isn't as exciting as pedal to the metal in the livingroom where my husband is rocking out and rambling on to another kin. Time for the wild bird's "stick" for the new baby I am training. It's like now I can grip her and plop her down on my chest so fast and start petting she doesn't have a choice and is getting tired of whining. I win. I'm taming her; and my athen one sits up on my head, such a cuddly cockatiel who sleeps with me. Then....bed. Dreams of flying are my favorite.....then I have to pee (twice a night - what a hassle), 10 hours later....
The starbucks challenge. There is always someone in the group at town hall that yells “I cant’ taste the difference”. I took the test and got it wrong.
Just to sit here in this little tiny cupboard of a studio/apartment and be grateful for the big and little stuffed animals, my dusty clip-laden lamp on the corner of my black second-hand 3-coat black spray painted desk that I sit at on a wonderful desk chair made for an executive secretary that I got from my daughter. Then there is our coffee table I picked out (refinishing project) my husband meticuously did the sanding of the $40 coffee table down to its original oak making our world a little more refined and we rock.
The birds rock too as they sit, one in each corner of the bed under the high ceiling fan set on slow as they chit-chat back and forth to each other while CSI is on low. This is life at its best. Just to sit in my space with stuffed animals all around, regardless of my dentures uneven fit and my grinding of teeth. Music-less. Another story! It’s all good and comforting to feel well again and have peace of mind. Uggs all the way. No commitments, like a boat without a rudder. Just floating around biding the time.
On one side let the world see. Let them see the shadows on the walls and feathers in their niches billowing in the breeze of the fan. On the other hand, let no one see anything from the inside out, from the point of view of the fly on the wall. All of a sudden, I trip into the kitchen to a bite of ripe pear skinned and waiting on the napkin for the last hour. It tasted so good, it’s a wonder I wait to devour such a burst of life to the tastebuds, instead cravings of sugar and flour.
I just got a bite of a pear shoved into my ambient out-of-body vessel, that I so seamlessly possess. After receiving it so politely on the outside and so irritated on the inside I discovered again what orgasm of the tastebuds can do for you. As for losing weight, my tastebuds are the key to me shrinking physically in the future, manana on the brain. The 4th dimension is so tempting, but here I am. Oh, and don’t throw away the bottle caps because they are reward points. Look down as you walk, honey. It’s amazing what you will find with your eyes on your feet as you shuffle down the street. It looks rather odd but there is a purpose to every reason under heaven.
Feeling like a soaring beam of light in a chair is a wonderment to my chomping dentures that are coming loose again. Time for reinstallation. They suck. I am so grateful to be grateful and have a body today. That's an oxymoron so I called my oldest friend but her answer was down. My eyes are seeing double again. I hate when that happens. Maybe I should lay my head down, then sometimes....blip. I wake up after 4 hours of sleeping. I couldn't be farther away, and helplessly, unable to stay awake, like I got mickied or something. It happens even when I am following doctors orders.
Slowly coming around and rising to the occasion of living again I swig my Arizona Ceylon Iced Tea for $.99. Instead of going to the local corner store for about 5 cans of such and such, I decided I want what I want when I want it. And I ALWAYS want Ceylon Tea (in a tall can and a Starbucks long green straw - stockpiled now by the case) and a long slow drag off my cherry/Camel tasting black e-cig (electronic smokeless cigarette). It's sharp looking with stainless filters and a blue light that lights up with a hit. I'm "vaping". That's cool. Vaping. There must be a better term than that but a chat line lingered too long about much ado about nothing, but I did get the phrase from an e-cig forum. It's the vape, dude.....pause for a few slow pulls, ....8:18pm on 2/20/2011. Reality check.....move that bodaie.
It is time for a pair of glasses that actually work at the computer. Or is it glasses I need? Another break, or TV...that's the ticket. Perhaps a couple of crystal prisms 3" round with triangular sections might be cool hanging down from my bangs for a different perspective. I gave all my granddaughters 2 of them each (one green and one clear) for Christmas to play with and forgot to get us a pair. Later.... I feel like being in a prism "naturally", then browse the facets as if snapshots of the rainblow turning round and round.
In the kitchen, my man is djusting the balance of the rockin' music to get the gut down again. Boom roppotoppo ho - rappatappa bing bing - o dio du dah - shikha dio dah dah. and shit.
I must stop now and further my ideas for later. In 10 days we are moving from a downtown old Victorian house with car jacks holding up the foundation (scarrrryy shifting noises) into a 2 bedroom little house on 6 acres behind the owners house. Our doors and windows are opposite one another so we shant see them much. I'm packing - was packing - my man is painting and my birds are waiting for me on my pillow. PJs, my favorite uniform. It sounds great but my knees don't want to move me anywhere right now. Lengthy visits to the computer gets me stuck in position so I have to yell out (my rare verbal expression that is involuntary, at best).
Pain killers her I come. Xanax and a muscle relaxer along with that and I'm good for the night. I hate that I love pills, especially when slipping into a mini-coma many times on purpose. They are very attractive and provide depths of sleep I crave as a result of leaving my body in a ray of light (another story - Ray of Light). I loved it but now that I have stumbled onto this website, such a reasonable outlet for my clostrophobic thoughts, perhaps I will find solace from writing just to write. Like this "thought or two" tonight. Goodeeevvvennniinnnngggggg. Follow the directions tonight Donnatella. Yes ma'am. Sweet Dreams to all. It's a gift, dreams. I'm so ready so one, two, three....Standing up (yelp) but here I go.
End of Solving Episodes