I was doing my best to reach out to Star, to show my sister that despite everything we loved her. What she went through before she came to us was not her fault, and loosing her leg did not change the person she was. She was not less of a person for what she had been through if anything she had become stronger for having survived it. I wanted her to see that, but sometimes it seemed she either refused to see that or just had a hard time believing it. I did not know for certain the only thing I knew for certain was that Star did not deserve to be treated badly.
Lord I want to reach out to her, I want to do what is best for her, but how can I when she wants to close herself off? Star wants to reach out, I really feel that, but she seems to be afraid to. I do not know what to do to help her through this.“Star is learning to trust you Hope, I am starting to see that, but I wish she would not be so afraid of Dad and I. Especially your Dad.”
“Mom her Father did horrible things to her, I think it’s going to be awhile before she can learn to trust any many, even a man as great as Dad.”
“I wish things had been different for her.”
“Me too Mom. I wish she had not gone through all she did, but she is with us now, and all we can do is pray and reach out to her. And pray she does not always push us away.”
Star was still in the hospital would be for at least another week, then her recovery would begin at home. I wondered how she was going to do when she got home. She was afraid already, and I could tell she hated needed help for anything, but in time she would learn to walk with a prosthetic leg if that was what she wanted. I wanted her to see, we all wanted her to see that she was the same person. That this was not some kind of punishment from a God who did not love her. That was not how God worked and we were all thankful for that.
Lord help Star through this, and help us to be able to help her. Help her heal not only from the physical scars, but the scars that run far deeper than that. Star deserves to know that she is loved and cared for, she does not need to worry all the time about the ghosts of her past, help her to overcome all she needs to overcome Lord, and please show me, and Mom and Dad how to best reach out to her.“Star we are not going to hurt you, you have to understand that, we love you. I know you are scared, and I understand why you feel that way, but we are not the one’s who hurt you in the past.”
“I know that Hope, but it is still hard for me, so very hard. I struggle with trusting, I can not even trust the God you lean so heavily on. I wish I did, I wish I could, but at this time I can not. To many bed things have happened to me, I just do not know what trust is. I am slowly learning to trust you, but I have not reached that with our parents yet. I really do not even feel a connection at this time, I just want to distance myself.”
“Star does that really help?”
“No I know it does not, but I need to put the shields up, so I do not get hurt.”
“Star you are going to hurt yourself more by shutting everyone out.”
“I do not know Hope, if I do not let anyone in, then how can I get hurt?”
“And how can you feel love?”
This conversation was not one I should be having with a thirteen year old, my thirteen year old sister, but Star was much older in many ways, and she had been through many that lived to old age. She had seen things and been through things that no human being should ever have to go through, or animal even for that matter. Star deserved better, no one deserved to be treated like that.
Lord help me to help Star, the best way I can. I know that I can not do this without you. I can not achieve anything without you, so I am asking that you show me what I need to do to be the best person I can be, I thank you and I praise you for all I have been given, and I ask that you continue with you blessings.“I do not know if I know what love is Hope. I want to know, I know in my heart I should know, but the things that happened to me, they were horrible. I do not understand why this happened to me. Was I really so bad?” What did I do to deserve to be hurt like I was, and now to loose my leg? It feels like I am being punished and I do not understand why.”
“Star that is not how God works.”
“I do not know how God works.”
“God is love, he does not wish to hurt us the way you were hurt, especially not an innocent little child.”
“That is not what I learned as a child. I was told I was bad, and I was evil, that I deserved to be treated worse than a dog.”
“Star that was evil men not God.”
“Why did God let this happen?”