Leaving the hospital was not going to be easy for Star I understood that, but the day had come. She would have to learn to adjust to life at home with only one leg, but more than that she was going to have to get used to being around Dad. She still did not trust him, the fact was she did not trust most of us, and I did not know how to even begin reaching to her. Star needed help, but she was shutting herself off to everyone’s offers and I just did not know what to do.
Lord help me to help Star through this. She can not do this on her own but with you Lord I know she can overcome everything that has been put in her path. She’s stronger than she realizes Lord to have survived all she survived she has to be.I was doing everything in my power to help Star, but sometimes I felt like I was not doing enough that somehow I should be doing a better job reaching out to her. The truth was though I was beginning to question my ability to do just that.
Star was so closed in to the world around her, but I understood it was her way of dealing with things. If she shut herself out she would not get hurt, but the fact was she was hurting. And she was having to deal with what happened to her in the past as well as the amputation. I knew she was hurting it showed despite the way she was trying to hide it. I wished she would make it easier for us to reach out to her.
Lord help me to help Star, and help Star to deal with this, help her to see too that our Dad is not the evil person her birth Father was, show her that she is safe now. I appreciate your help Lord, and I love you.I was doing everything in my power to help Star, and yet I was feeling like I was failing. Deep down I knew I should not feel this way, but I was and I honestly did not know how to deal with it. I felt I should somehow be making things easier for Star, but how could I? She was not only facing what happened to her in the past, and the monsters from that, but she was also facing the amputation. All because she had been to afraid to tell us that she was hurting, that she was not feeling well. I could not understand that kind of fear at first, but now I was starting to understand more.
It was almost as if Star was slowly losing herself. Perhaps she already had, but it was time that she see who she really was. I wanted my sister to have a better opinion of herself and I wanted to wipe the pain of what happened to her in the past out but I could not do that. I had to believe that God was going to help me to reach to her though. Certainly Mom and Dad were given Star for a reason, I was given the sister I had prayed for, for years, though I certainly had not bargained for all the sadness that surrounded her.
I was not going to be able to take Stars pain away from her, nor could I give her, her leg back, but I could help her through all that she was enduring. I could be a listening ear if she needed to talk. It didn’t seem she did that often, but when she did, she usually turned to me and I was grateful for that. At least she was reaching out to someone though I prayed she would open up to Mom and Dad as well.
Lord thank you for sending us Star, even though we have our questions and it hurts us to see her hurting we know that you brought her into our lives for a reason. I know you are here with us Lord, even when it feels like we are running our head into a wall trying to reach to Star you are here for us.
I just wished it did not seem that Star had to deal with so much trouble. I wished she knew of God’s love for her, but it seemed that she was rejecting that very thing right now, because she felt she was not worthy or because of all that had happened to her in life. Perhaps it was both reasons. One thing I did know for sure what that Star did not deserve to be hurting the way she was. She did not deserve to be treated the way she had been treated by her family. Star certainly deserved better than that, no one deserved to be treated the way Star had been. A little child or anyone for that matter should not have to deal with the things she had dealt with.
Lord Star has had so much sadness in her life, she deserve happiness. She deserves to know she is loved. No one deserves to be raped and mutilated the way she was Lord. She was only a little girl.I still could not get the images of the horrors Star had told me about out of my mind, and yet I knew there were still more some so dark she was afraid to even speak of them.
What could be darker than what she had already told me? I could not imagine what would be worse than that which I already knew from what she had told me, yet I knew that she had not told me everything. I was afraid of even hearing what else had happened to her, but if she wanted to talk I was going to be there to listen.
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“I don’t always understand why God lets some things to happen.” I admitted to Mom. “But I guess that’s part of faith, we believe and love despite the troubles.”