Being at home was not an easy adjustment for Star, or for any of us really, not at first. After the amputation she felt like she was worthless and did not deserve to live, but I knew it was more than the amputation that made her feel that way, it was the hell she went through before she came to us.
I could not imagine the life Star had lived before she came to us, just the fragments of stories and the fear and pain in her eyes spoke of a hell unlike anything I could imagine. I had lived a good life, I knew that now but my thirteen year old sister had been through hell, shed been tortured abused, and raped by the very people who were supposed to love her. She had Mothered her own Fathers child. Just the thought brought shivers down my spine.
Lord I am at a loss to help Star through this. I want to reach out to my sister, I want her to see the person she truly is, but Lord how do I do that?“Star what happened to you does not change the person you are.”
“I do not know who I am Hope, I really do not, I never got the chance, everything was taken from me and now I must face life without my leg.”
“Star its not the end of the world, you lost your leg but you can accomplish anything you set your mind to it.”
“I do not know what I can do Hope, I feel like everything has been taken from me.”
“Star you can have happiness again, the past and what happened to you does not have to effect who you become in a negative way, but maybe in a way you can use it to help others.”
“I can not even help myself Hope, how can I help others?”
Star was so hurt and so down on herself, I wondered if she would ever see her worth, her value, I wondered if she would ever be able to turn her heart to the Lord, and see how much better life was when you believed.
Leaving the hospital was not going to be easy for Star I understood that, but the day had come. She would have to learn to adjust to life at home with only one leg, but more than that she was going to have to get used to being around Dad. She still did not trust him, the fact was she did not trust most of us, and I did not know how to even begin reaching to her. Star needed help, but she was shutting herself off to everyone’s offers and I just did not know what to do.
Lord help me to help Star through this. She can not do this on her own but with you Lord I know she can overcome everything that has been put in her path. She’s stronger than she realizes Lord to have survived all she survived she has to be.I was doing everything in my power to help Star, but sometimes I felt like I was not doing enough that somehow I should be doing a better job reaching out to her. The truth was though I was beginning to question my ability to do just that.
Adjusting to life at home again was not going to be easy. Star felt like less of a person after the amputation and I could not convince her that she had not changed that in fact she was the same person she had always been. Loosing her leg did not make her less of a person, but she grew up being made to believe any type of disability made you less of a person, she grew up treated like an animal simply because she had been born a girl.
My poor sister, had been through hell before she came to us. I do not know what is going to happen to her Lord, but I know she needs you. I am not sure that she knows that yet, or is ready to admit it though.
“Star this is not some kind of punishment for what happened to you. God does not blame you for what others did to you.”
“I feel as if this is some kind of punishment, I must have done something wrong to deserve being treated as I did.”
“What could you have done as a little child?”
“I was dirty and defiled. I Mothered my Fathers child.”
“He forced himself on you Star, it was not your fault. You were only a little girl. “
She’s still only a little girl Lord, but she has been through more than most adults will ever experience. She has been through the unimaginable Lord, and I do not know how to reach out to her. You are going to have to lead me, I know she is my sister for a reason, that she was sent to us for a reason, but I am still having trouble reaching her. I can not do this on my own Lord.“And now I have lost my leg, how can I not feel God is punishing me.”
“Star you have lost your leg yes, but you are alive, you are going to get through this, many amputees live full and happy lives. Perhaps you can use what happened to you to reach out to others.”
“Hope I can not even help my self, how can I help others.”
“Star in time you will get stronger. You will grow.”
“I feel as if I can not grow anymore.”
“Star you will grow, and in time I think you will see your need for the Lord.”
“Where was this loving God when I was raped, when I was beaten, when I had pieces of glass stuck in my privates? Where was this loving God then?”
“It was evil that let this happened not God.”
“With such evil how am I supposed to believe in your loving God? All I have known is hurt and heartbreak. Until I came to be in this family I thought everyone in this world was mean and hateful. I could not believe in the goodness of people, even when I was rescues from the Hell I had trouble believing. I still do Hope, but I see you’re a good person, and I am glad we are sisters, I just do not think I deserve to be part of a family.”
“Star you deserve that and a lot more, and God wants this for you. I wish you could see that.”
“Maybe in time Hope, but right now I can not. Right now I feel lost and scared.”
“Star things will get better in time, you will heal, but the memories are not going to go away overnight you will learn to look at the good things in life though. I have to believe that.”
“I do not know if I can Hope as much as I want to, I do not know if I can.”