I don't mean to do it not really, saying the mean things I say, hurting other peoples feelings, thats not the real me. But sometimes I don't know when its going to hit, but there are signs, sometimes I just snap and things fly out of my mouth I would not normally say, and my actions become reckless.
When I am off my medication, or when my medication isn't right, I can appear to be Dr Jekyl and Mrs Hyde in a matter of minutes.
I hurt people who try to help me, not with actions, but with my words, and saying mean hateful things to your dearest friends and family members can be stronger than any fist could ever be.
At times I wonder how anyone can put up with me, I wonder how I can make it day to day, but I have to. And I am really trying not to push people away. I really am not trying to be mean, but I am being mean, and I know that. Even though I deny it, deep down i know it, and it hurts me to be like this. It hurts me more than anyone knows.
When I am manic, I can be a royal b.... and I don't want to be, and I can be reckless. I don't want to do the things I do, I do not want to bring others down because I am having some kind of off moment. I really just want to be myself.
My true st friends despite all my meaness are there for me when I need them. Even though at times I wonder why they stick beside me, my best friend is truly the best and the good Lord knows I give her enough grief, and say things when I'm manic that would otherwise say.
To Be Continued Mara~