Listening to the few tales of the Hell that Star went through when she was younger was hard to listen to. I could not even begin to fathom what she must be feeling inside, the hell she must be going through everyday. If I had been through all Star had been I did not know that I would have been able to survive. My sister did not know it, or did not see it, but she was stronger than she realized.
God had sent her to us for a reason. I knew the Lord wanted us to be strong for him, that he wanted us to be Stars family, because we could love her, in a way others could not. I knew Star needed us, and the truth was we needed her too. We had not felt like a full family until Star came along. I had spent the first seventeen years of my life as an only child until the adoption came through and now I was thankful to have a younger sister like Star despite all she had been through, and what she had been through broke my heart.
Lord you are going to have to help me to help Star, show me what I need to do to reach out to her. Give us all the strength she lost so much, and her leg is what she misses the least, I think more than anything she misses her innocence, she feels left out because she was never given the chance to be a child. She was forced to do disgusting and unthinkable things, but Lord I know that you see a strength in her, as do I.“Star we are not here to hurt you, we are your family now, we want to help you.”
“I know Hope, but I am scared, scared like a frightened child. So much has changed. It is going to take awhile for me to be able to trust. I am not sure I ever will be able to.”
“You are opening up to me a little more, perhaps you are slowly learning to trust?”
“Yes I feel safe with you, but I am afraid of our Father still. I am a little afraid of our Mother as well. I do not know why, I know deep down that they are good people. That they would not hurt me, but I struggle with this Hope, I may always struggle with this.”
“Don’t feel you have to close yourself out Star, that you have to go through this alone. We are here for you. I am here for you, if you can not talk to Mom and Dad yet, you can talk to me, but more than that you can talk to God.”
“I do not think a God I do not know will listen to me.”
“Star if you start talking to him, you will get to know him.”
“Hope I know you are trying to help and I am grateful for that, and I am grateful that you are my big sister yet, but I am not ready for this.”
Lord why does she shut down like this whenever I bring you up? She needs to know how much you love her.I watched as Star grabbed her crutches and made her way into her room, but before she could even open the door she tripped. Tears falling from her eyes, finally she looked over to me.
“Hope I need your help.” I knew this was not an easy thing for her to say. In so many ways Star wanted people to think all she needed was to be left alone, but Star did need us. Not just for her physical needs but for her emotional well being as well. Perhaps more so her emotional well being.
As I helped Star up I realized how light she was. It felt more like lifting a girl of seven or eight than a teenage girl. I realized just looking at her there was so much she didn’t tell, like how it must have felt to go to bed hungry. How the pain must have been.
“I’m sorry Hope.”
“What are you sorry for Star?”
“I did not want to bother you, I did not want to fall. I feel like such a child.”
“Star in time you will learn to walk when they fit you with a prosthetic and then I will be struggling to keep up with you.”
“I just wish this had never happened. Any of it.”
“I know Star, and I am sorry it happened. You did not deserve any of this, but you are going to get through this Star. You made it this far, you will make it farther Star. You are stronger than you realize.”
“I do not feel strong at all Hope, I feel like a little child who does not even have both feet to stand on.”
“Star just because you do not have both feet to stand on, does not mean you are not strong or standing strong. Star your strength comes from within, something God-given.”
I was grateful to see that Star was talking to me more now, The Lord was going to use me to help my sister, but this was not going to be quick or easy. I knew that, it was going to take baby steps just like her learning to walk on her prosthetic leg, when it came, would take baby steps. I had to believe that the Lord would help us both through this though, and she would make it, with the help of the Lord. I had to believe that she was opening up more to the Lord, and one day she would grow to trust Mom and Dad, just as she was growing to trust me. But I knew that a large part of it was because the adults in her life had hurt her, before she became part of our family, the family that was supposed to love her had nearly killed her and had nearly killed her Spirit.