I wanted so much to be able to erase Stars pain, It would be so much easier if that could happen, but of course the Lord did not mean for things to be that easy, but I also understood he did not mean for a little child, a little girl to suffer so much pain. I knew that Sin had entered the world when Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the Gaden of Eden, but I could never believe God wanted a little girl to suffer like that. If I believed that, I could not serve the Loving God I served. Yes he allowed bad things to happen, because we were given free will, but he did not make them happen.
In a way I could understand why Star had the questions she had. Perhaps if I had grown up in the way she had grown up I would have the same questions, the same doubts, but I had been blessed. At one time I had thought life was hard for me when I couldn’t have the latest pair of designer jeans, but I saw things differently now, I saw that in the scheme of things it didn’t matter if you had the newest and the best jeans, what mattered was the way we reached out to others.
Not long ago what happened in third world countries, to far off girls, did not seem to matter to me, but now Star was my sister, and the reality of what some men did to little girls shook me to the very core. I could never understand how anyone could condone such things, but some did, and it was sickening.
I knew God did not mean for little girls to get hurt like that. God did not like seeing his children hurt. It must bring him to tears.
Lord I can not understand why some people would want to be separated from you, why they would decide to spend their lives away from you. I am so glad I have you in my life, but so many either turn away or never have the opportunity to know you.“Star I wish I could say something, do something that would help you believe or trust God more, but I can only show you, by living Christ’s love, and I know I fail at that sometimes. I am only human and sometimes I make mistakes, but Star that does not lessen God’s love.”
“Hope I can not believe in such a loving God right now, because of all the evil that has happened to me. Why would such a loving God, let me be hurt like this? Why would he allow me to feel guilty for something I did not have control over.”
“Star that guilt you are feeling is not from God, its from Satan trying to confuse you.”
I knew Star was only thirteen but in many ways she was much older, but when it came to matters of faith, she was like an infant, dependent on everyone else, to figure out what she believed. I prayed that someday soon she would give her heart to Christ, that she would see that she could put her full trust in him.
Lord I need your help to reach out to Star, I want her to know you and love you, but I can not force her to do that. I just don’t know how I am going to reach her. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle Lord, I can not do this on my own. I need your help. I can not do this without you Lord, nor do I want to.“Hope you do not know how much I want to believe that, but I am struggling. I am struggling so much, where was this loving God when they were raping me, where was he when I was in the hospital having my leg amputated?”
“Star he was there, he let you get through it.”
“But I lost my leg.”
The saddest part was not that Star had lost her leg though, and I knew that, what hurt more was that Star had her childhood taken away from her, her very innocence. All because the man who was supposed to be her Father, her birth Father, treated her worse than a person treats a rabid wild animal.
“Your leg does not define you though Star, just because you are an amputee it does not make you less of a person. God can still use you, if you let him.”
“I do not know, I am not whole. I feel broken.”
“Star you are not broken, you are not defined by your physical body, it is your Spirit that is more important to God.”
“Then why do I feel this God of yours is punishing me for something I do not understand?”
Lord I am trying to answer these questions, I am trying to reach out to her, but I do not know how to do that on my own. I feel like I am failing, even as I pray to you I feel like I am failing. Am I doing something wrong Lord? Or is it just that I am wanting things to happen in my time instead of yours? I do not want to fail at leading my sister to you Lord! I know you brought Star into my life, and allowed this adoption to work out for a reason, I know you meant for us to be sisters, but why am I having such trouble reaching out to my sister? I do not understand Lord. Help me to reach her better, help me to be a better witness Lord.