“Mommy you are always so sad.”
“I know Mechela.”
“I miss you being happy. You weren’t even happy when I could walk with my frame?”
“I’m sorry Mechela.”
“Are you sad because your legs don’t work anymore.”
“You told me that just because my legs didn’t work right it didn’t mean I couldn’t live a good and happy life. Why can’t you be happy?”
“Mechela you don’t understand.”
“You are always mad or sad Mommy.”
“Mechela I am sorry but I need to be left alone.”
“You always want to be left alone.” Mechela muttered under her breath.
“Don’t talk to me that way Mechela.”
“I just wanted to talk to my Mommy, but your mean so I am going to talk to Aunt Isha.”
Anna did not even attempt to comfort her daughter. It was getting bad, when even Mechela was seeing that her Mother was giving up. I didn’t know how we were going to get through this is Anna did not stop out of it. Laying in her bed all day was not going to change the facts. She had lost her ability to walk, but she was allowing it to become a death sentence.
Lord what am I going to do to get through to my sister? I can’t let her keep hurting Mechela like this. She wants to be a good Mother, and she can be, chair or not, if she makes the effort. No one can live her life for her nor can they change what happened, but things can improve.
“Anna you need to snap out of this. I know you are hurting, but you have no right to hurt your daughter because you are hurting. Mechela just wants her Mother, and you are brushing her off as if she does not matter.”
“Marishka I do not need your lectures.”
“Anna you need something.”
“I wish I had died.”
“You didn’t obviously God kept you here for a reason, now please try to snap out of this, and stop taking your own hurts out on your daughter. She just wants her Mother back, we all miss you Anna the way you were before.”
“I won’t ever be the same. I was paralyzed Marishka. Don’t you understand?”
“You do remember who you are talking to right? I know things change for you physically, but it does not have to mark the end.”
“For me it is.”
“Anna do you think you are the only whose been through hell? We all have, but we give our troubles to the Lord and move on, maybe it doesn’t happen overnight, but I am not about to let everything that has happened ruin my life. Why should you?”
“Because I am not as strong as you.”
“That’s bull, my strength comes from the Lord, if you give your troubles to him, you might feel yourself released.”
Lord am I talking to a wall here, am I reaching her is any of this doing any good? I don’t know if I am reaching her or not Lord, but I am trying. Continue to guide me in this, give me the words I need to say. And the strength Lord. I feel like talking to Anna at times is like hitting my head against the wall, the only point it serves is to give me a headache. But who am I to question you Lord, if you want me to continue to reach out to Anna and do what I can to help her I will Lord.
“I’m glad you believe that.”
“Anna I think deep down you do too, but your letting the fear overwhelm you. You are letting it define you. You need to stop doing that.”
“I don’t know how to stop I don’t know how to do anything anymore Marishka. I need help with everything.”
“If you worked at it you wouldn’t. Do you really think lying in bed constantly is going to change things, make them better for you? You need to try and do things, or you will never get stronger. If you want your independence back, locking yourself away from the world is not going to give it to you.”
“I don’t want to hear your lectures.”
“Then stop blaming your daughter for everything. The way you are treating her that is exactly what you are doing. She is not the reason you are paralyzed.”
After I left Anna’s room praying she would at least think about what I was saying. I went into my own room took my Bible off the Bureau and began reading James 1:
1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,
To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations:
Trials and Temptations
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Listening and Doing
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
I knew the Lord had led me to read Chapter one in James to give me the encouragement I needed. I prayed that I would be able to talk to Anna about the chapter and the message in it, but at the moment I would be better off just leaving her with her thoughts. I needed to tend to Mechela anyway. She was hurting and she did not really understand why her Mom was treating her the way she was. The fact was I did not fully understand it myself. Mechela deserved better. She deserved her Mother, not someone who just shut her out because she was hurting. I did what I could, but I was not Mechela’s Mother, I was her aunt.
Lord Anna is hurting I know, but she does not have to hurt Mechela in the process. Mechela has seen enough pain in her young life. She needs a Mother who is there for her, who is happy when she takes her first step with the aids of a walker or crutches. We are all so proud of her, but it’s almost as if Anna does not care. I know Anna better than that she does care deeply about her daughter or she wouldn’t have fought so hard for her, but she does not know how to deal with her own weakness Lord. I guess in a way Sophia and I are like that to, but we try not to take it out on our kids. I am not sure if Anna is doing this intentionally. I don’t really think she is, but she is hurting Mechela and I felt I needed to say something. I know she is upset with me, and thinks I am expecting too much out of her, but the truth is Lord I feel she is expecting to little of herself. Lord I love you and I thank you for listening to me. I know I am rambling here, but I know you know my heart to Lord and I am grateful for that.