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Einstein, Mis-Statements and Amusements-2
By Lonnie Hicks
Posted: Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Last edited: Thursday, October 10, 2013
This short story is rated "G" by the Author.
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           >> View all 439
Science Can Be Very Very Funny (All statements below are sincerely factitious)


Einstein fell out of love with his wife Mileva and blamed it on gravity.

The scientist heard he had won a Nobel prize and said  "Dynamite!"

If electricity and magnetism are the same thing why can't I taze somebody with my refridgerator magnet?

The scientist was asked "What is so scientific about the scientific method?" He said " I don't know I have to study that."

Einstein was asked if he was sure about quantum mechanics. He said he wasn't sure because they couldn't fix his car.

If a scientist doesn't know the answer  he says he is uncertain. If he wants to be famous he says he has invented the Uncertainty Principle.

Leonard Susskind is a holgram

SuperSymmetry is a comic book hero.

If Quarks live inside protons where are the ducks?

Einstein was late for dinner and he told his wife that he was on time in a parallel universe. She asked "In that universe did you wear socks, comb your hair and fix your own dinner?"

"To hell with scientific truth" said the Scientist , "my career and my tenue are at stake here."

The scientist got research money to research the researching done by other researchers about research.

Einstein kept leaving earth and coming back younger than his wife and driving a red Porche.

Einstein was measuring the fabric of space and dropped a sitich.

The reason light bends around a star is because God has a lightening fast curve ball.

There is no God said Hawking and God said there is no Hawking.

Last year the scientist said what had been revealed as scientific truth  had now been revealed to have been wrong. This is the HOM methodogy which stands for Hit Or Miss.

If Dark Energy is making the Universe expand how many calories is that and does it come in sweet and semi-Sweet?

If the Universe is expanding, who is blowing up the balloon?

The Theory of Inflation is the idea that scientific theories of inflation are inflated.

If there are an infinite number of universes and an infinite number of me there must also be an infinite number of snickers bars which explains why the multiverse is expanding and everyone in it.

The Collider at Cern started up and scientists were thrown into another parallel universe and petitioned for grant money to prove the existence of this universe, and got it.

He said to the scientist that he had read the scientist's latest book and found it to be value-free, that is, it had nothing of value in it.

Hubble said he had found a red shift but he was referring to Russia's political positioning during World War One.

If the sun is a giant nuclear reactor we need to know if GE made it like the ones in Japan.

In a parallel universe is it easier to parallel park?

The scientist said we only deal with "How" and never with "Why' which means we only go to Indian motels and never to the "Y"

Einstein's Theory of Relatives is to never be home when they call.

Einstein said that he was getting  younger the faster the train was moving toward him and running away as it drew nearer.

I found out that since time depends upon the position of the observer I sat by the finish line to ensure my horse would win.

The scientist discovered that he could win a Nobel prize if he invented a new particle which did not exist and he could get grant money to find it. 

Einstein was asked if he had a watch and he said "I don't have the time unless I am standing still."

Light lay down on the couch for her mental health because the scientist told her she was a wave or a particle depending upon where the scientist put his finger.

The closet thing we have on earth to a black hole is Wall Street.

Physics is the study of Nobel Prizes.

The scientist said "we don't know anything until we blow it up and then examine the pieces". Sort of like the US government.

Since many scientists connsider numbers as the only thing that is real, reality becomes false and can be ignored.

The WIMP is a poorly understood particle with specks of sand on its face.

The scientist sat back after publishing his new theory satisfied because he would have his Nobel Prize and be dead before anyone could prove him wrong.

If the Universe is infinite I just need to ask who did the count?

E=C2 M is the speed at which chocolate travels to the hip area.

Every scientist says that of course he could be right in his new theory.

The problem with math-based reality is that it makes reality infinite and therefore not measureable.

The problem with an infinite universe it that it has no borders and therefore immigration is a real problem.

In a black hole I could have the longest arm in the world and I could wrap it around the earth and hit myself in the back of the head.

If time is malleable, like taffy, then is it also edible?

In physics there is a law of the conservation of matter and energy, and fully explains the existence of the geek couch potato.

Traveling at the speed of light  for human beings is only possible by cute female scientists trying to get away from male scientists.

A new theory is defined as something which threatens someone else's livelyhood.

Apes are decended from Darwin but they try  to hide it.

Ideology is a serious disease resulting from a prolonged exposure to idiots.

Scientific Truth is a serious disease resulting from a prolonged exposure to Scientific Ideology.

The easiest way to prove that reality exists is to kick a rock and if it hurts your toe, then reality exists.

 If there are an infinite numbers of universes this means that if I die in this universe in those other universes I maybe did not die.  So, now I need bus fare to get there.

If there are miniature parallel universes inches from my face what happens if I sneeze?

 If some of the atoms in my body or my wife's body could have come from Alexander the Great, does this mean that Alexander the Great is the father of my child?

 If Orion's belt snaps, there's trouble

Anyone who thinks there nothing that can exceed the speed of light has not driven in LA

The idea that electrons can be in two places at the same time was invented by a cheating husband and his girlfriend, that's why they call it "entanglement"

A worm hole can be used for fishing--along with an internet.

If I can leave the earth and come back younger than when I left, am I light years behind in the rent?

Any one that thinks there are no straight lines in nature was in the wrong hasn't been to the movies lately.

Tesla invented Edison

Tesla invented Marconi

Tesla invented the 20th century

Einstein found out about light as an exact description of his wallet right after expenses.

A nuclear reaction is an explosion which occurs when the wife asks for a divorce

Any one that thinks dinosaurs are extinct has not visited hollywood movie execs.

If you are driving at the speed of light and the cop catches up to you, that cop is a Martian.

If the Universe is electric, as Hannes Alfven claims, where is the plug?

If there are six months of daylight in Alaska, does that mean the birth-rate drops?

If there many versions of me in many different universes, can one of them be tapped for a loan?

 While there is free-fall, the landing is very expensive.

 Einstein says that as I approach the speed of light, mass becomes infinite. Got to give up chasing those fast moving snickers bars.

A Super Nova is the successor to the Chevy Nova

When a comet comes into the solar system it also does showers and bathtubs.

True science never rejects ideas simply because they might be wrong.
That is the purpose of experimentation. Math insists that equasions be correct and therefore we are cut off from experimentation and observation.

Einstein said he stopped combing his hair because it came out--and he didn't even know it was gay.

Einstein said I enjoyed being wrong, it felt new and exciting.

 (All statements made in good Chicago-style humor.)













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Reviewed by Annabel Sheila 6/23/2011
Funny.....amazing how the human mind works...especially the geniuses!

Reviewed by J Howard 6/22/2011
well...some i got and then...some were just head of me..or behind me i suppose that would depend on... my relative place in time and space, eh?
thanks for sharing,

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