I wake up from a dream, a dream in which I can walk. It wasn’t that long ago, that dream was a reality.
I have to live with this reality not, the reality of being shot, by some crazed fan, some stalker.
Who knew Christian Mystery authors had stalkers?
I guess there are a lot of things you do not know or do not realize until the moment comes and reality hits you square in the face.
This chair, this life, is my reality now, but I am not about to let it stop me from writing.
Some creep with a gun, and a silencer is not going to ruin my life.
He or she may try, but I am not going to relinquish that kind of control over them.
I struggle some moments with the reality that happened, the measure of independence I lost. But I am going to keep the faith, I am going to regain my independence, and Lord willing I will walk again. If not then I will still live my life, I’ll just live it sitting down. It’s not all that bad, at least I am trying to convince myself it’s not.
What scares me more than not being able to walk, is the fact that people are going to treat me differently. I have seen it before, people talking to someone differently, because they happen to have a disability. I know in life we all have disabilities of some sort, no two of us are the same, thank God. When the disability is more noticeable some people tend to think being in a chair gives them the right to treat you like your idiot. I am not an idiot. The Spinal Cord Injury has not lessened my ability to think any, thank God for that.
Although lately some of the thoughts had been scary, very scary.
I worry to, I guess worrying overly much is a sin of sort, give it over to God right, that’s what we as Christians do, but I can’t help it. I am worrying about what life will bring me when I am going to get released, and what life will entail when I get home.
There is no denying that some things will be different.
I have to think on the positive though.
I am still going to write, in fact as soon as I get out of the hospital I am going to do my best to reschedule that book signing. I feel it is something I need to do. I am not going to let this monster ruin my life and stop me from living. I want to live ,my life to the best of my ability. Even if now I am living it from this chair.
Lord I am going to need strength to get through this, I am going to get through this Lord with your help.I’m learning to “adjust” I guess, but it has only been a couple of weeks, and in what will likely be a lifelong battle.
How does one come to terms with being shot and paralyzed by some shadowy figure?
I wonder if I will ever be able to sleep in my house again.
I loved that house, before, worked hard for it, but now its tainted with my own blood.
With my own nightmares.
Still I don’t want to let some shadowy figure take that away from me.
I worked hard for that house, and if anyone thinks writing books isn’t work I beg to differ.
Writing is often a thankless job, but it is not a lazy persons way out as I have heard some say.
You can not be lazy and write, that just doesn’t mesh.
Not if you want to make something of yourself anyway.
Lord take these fears of going home away from me. I know that when its time to go home that will be a victory, but I am afraid, afraid of the memories, afraid of the blood.I never knew that writing mysteries would come at such a high price.
There was so much blood.
I write mysteries blood is part of what I write about, but when it’s my own blood Lord, when it goes beyond the page, that is terrifying.
I never knew it would cost me my ability to walk, but this shadowy figure, this man, or monster I do not know is not going to stop me.
I am writing even in the hospital, telling my story, my laptop is here with me, keeping me sane, keeping me connected in a way to the world beyond these hospital walls.
This hospital I will be leaving soon.
I am nervous, but anxious at the same time. Ready to go home, but I know I have a ways to go.
I am going to make it though, and I will get home.
I am not going to give up. I want to show others that if I can get through this, they can.
I write to help others, to reach them for Christ in the form of fiction, but now I can reach them for Christ, by showing them just how much I can overcome. If I can do this, anyone can.
My dreams do not have to be crushed, they are not crushed.
I am still living my life, I am telling my story, even if its not turning out the way I planned.
But since when does life turn out the way you plan anyway?
Right now I need to focus on my faith though, and my strength, my faith is where I find my strength and that is what is going to see me through I know that. I thank God for that.
I thank God that I am alive too, because I knew I could very much be dead. God had a reason for keeping me here obviously.
I am blessed despite everything I know that. I have to look at life that way or I will be wrapped up by the sorrow.