I have my moments when I still struggle with the trauma of my past, when the nightmares of the hell I endured as a child still haunt me.
The people who were supposed to love me, did everything, but I was treated worse than the pigs my Father raised. I was no matter to him, except a toy to be used and abused. He’s gone now, they are all dead and I have a wonderful family was given a second chance. And I found Christ, so things have improved, that does not mean I forget what happened to me, the fear that I faced as a child. The fear that ultimately made me afraid to speak of the infection that set in my leg when I was settled with my new family in America, therefore I ended up loosing that leg, but I found something much more important I found Christ, and I found myself.
I am no longer a scared little girl I am now a young woman of nineteen, whose moved on with her life with the love and support of my sister and my parents. My true parents, not the ones who gave birth to me, but the one’s who nourish me and helped me see that there was more to life than abuse. A child does not deserve the kind of treatment I had, I understand that now, because Mom, Dad and Hope have helped me to see that.
Most importantly God has shown me what true love is, and that is not something my birth family had. They could not really be called a family though, because a family does not hurt a child the way I was hurt. It’s not something that any child deserves.
I still wonder too about the child I gave birth to, when I was but a child of nine and a half years myself she’d be about nine now. I hope and pray she never endured the things I endured as a child. That someone out there is loving my daughter the way she deserves to be loved.
I am praying too that people stop using Allah as an excuse to do evil. I no longer worship Allah, I suppose I never really did, I gave my heart to Christ though, but no religion should condone such violence to a child. Not even a dog deserves the treatment I got.
Yet sadly some have it even worse than I did. I understand that now, but I did not as a child. How could I? I was afraid to even think for myself.
I am so glad I am no longer a scared, abused little girl in a remote Afghani village, but I am an American young woman studying journalism and creativity writing at college.
Something I would not have been afffored had Jesus not led me to America, and to my Mom and Dad. I know that now.
I am no longer so terrified of men. I suppose their will always be some sort of fear their but it no longer paralyzes me as it once did. I still question whether or not I will marry and have a family of my own, because the scars of abuse run deep, and I would not want to see a child hurt.
I want a family don’t get me wrong, I want a husband and a children, but I am still so afraid to have an intimate relationship with a man.
What will he say on our wedding night? When he sees the scars for the first time, will he find me repulsive?
I guess I need to give that to God, because it is not a healthy fear I know.
I still need to let some things go, but at least now I am not afraid of my own shadow, and not cursing a God I do not even know. I have given my heart to the very God I cursed, because I know now that Jesus stands for love in a way no other can.
Just as I know forgiveness is part of the package, and I have forgiven the monsters who did this to me? They are paying for their sins in eternity. I am still here, trying to make something of my life, trying to show the world just how far I have come.
Trying to make Mom, Dad and Hope proud and I know they are because they tell me they are constantly. I never knew such praise before I came to America, now I understand that this is the way it should be.
I understand a lot of things now, that perhaps I did not understand before.