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Michelle R Kidwell Power In The Pen

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Somewhere Deep Inside: Part Two (Chloe's Story Continues)
By Michelle R Kidwell Power In The Pen
Monday, September 12, 2011

Rated "PG" by the Author.

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Why can't I just make it stop?





10:19 P.M PST

I have done it again let this condition destroy my life once again.

My irrational compulsive decision, the way I run my mouth saying things that I know I will regret.

Why do I continue to go through this?

Why can't I just make it stop?

When I forget to take my meds its worse ten times worse, but the meds they don't always help either.

I hate this condition.  I hate the fact that I say things that I can never take back.

I have lost more friends than I can count.

I hate admitting I have this condition, the label it brings and I lie to others saying there is nothing wrong with me.

When it is only obvious that there is.

The only solace i find is in this journal, lately even my faith has been tested.

I have done things I am not even sure God can forgive.

I have lost the people dearest to me, because I let this condition have more control than I have.

Bipolar...I hate this condition...It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Lord knows I have made a few enemies due to the things I have said when I am in one of my manic word, when all self control when all filtering is gone.

I just wish at times I would shut up.

That's why I prefer to keep to myself.

Not let anyone in, because I am bound to hurt them if I let them in.


Bipolar disorder

Manic depression; Bipolar affective disorder

Last reviewed: March 29, 2011.

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Bipolar disorder affects men and women equally. It usually starts between ages 15 - 25. The exact cause is unknown, but it occurs more often in relatives of people with bipolar disorder.

Types of bipolar disorder:

  • People with bipolar disorder type I have had at least one manic episode and periods of major depression. In the past, bipolar disorder type I was called manic depression.

  • People with bipolar disorder type II have never had full mania. Instead they experience periods of high energy levels and impulsiveness that are not as extreme as mania (called hypomania). These periods alternate with episodes of depression.

  • A mild form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia involves less severe mood swings. People with this form alternate between hypomania and mild depression. People with bipolar disorder type II or cyclothymia may be wrongly diagnosed as having depression.

In most people with bipolar disorder, there is no clear cause for the manic or depressive episodes. The following may trigger a manic episode in people with bipolar disorder:

  • Life changes such as childbirth

  • Medications such as antidepressants or steroids

  • Periods of sleeplessness

  • Recreational drug use


The manic phase may last from days to months. It can include the following symptoms:

  • Easily distracted

  • Little need for sleep

  • Poor judgment

  • Poor temper control

  • Reckless behavior and lack of self control

    • Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use

    • Poor judgment

    • Sex with many partners (promiscuity)

    • Spending sprees


  • Very elevated mood

    • Excess activity (hyperactivity)

    • Increased energy

    • Racing thoughts

    • Talking a lot

    • Very high self-esteem (false beliefs about self or abilities)


  • Very involved in activities

  • Very upset (agitated or irritated)

These symptoms of mania occur with bipolar disorder I. In people with bipolar disorder II, the symptoms of mania are similar but less intense.

The depressed phase of both types of bipolar disorder includes the following symptoms:

  • Daily low mood or sadness

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions

  • Eating problems

    • Loss of appetite and weight loss

    • Overeating and weight gain


  • Fatigue or lack of energy

  • Feeling worthless, hopeless, or guilty

  • Loss of pleasure in activities once enjoyed

  • Loss of self-esteem

  • Thoughts of death and suicide

  • Trouble getting to sleep or sleeping too much

  • Pulling away from friends or activities that were once enjoyed

There is a high risk of suicide with bipolar disorder. Patients may abuse alcohol or other substances, which can make the symptoms and suicide risk worse.

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Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 9/13/2011
Powerful story, Michelle; well done!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend, Karen Lynn. :(

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